Every single first date is the same. I go out with someone, normally it’s really nice and then we just stop talking for a while while the other person is either playing coy or thinking about how they feel.
It’s fine, I get it, I’m not judging, but it just sucks. Every single time this happens. There’s rarely ever a person who doesn’t do this.
I had an awesome first date yesterday. Easily one of the best I’ve ever had, and when I texted her that I had a good time she waited several hours to reply and we kept the chatting to a minimum for the day. I’m expecting she won’t even answer today, and now I have to play it cool to not seem overly invested.
It sucks. We were texting like nonstop before and I loved talking to her. I wish I could see her again today, but nope. Gotta play this game of waiting it out. It’s just not me. I prefer to go for what I want and not hold back, but that comes off as overly obsessive. It’s not. Just tell me if you don’t want to see me again and let’s hurry this up. I decided whether I liked you during the date, why should it take you so long to think about?
If you’re reading this and you think there’s a hidden rule about playing it cool after a first date, cut it out and just be upfront right after. If you didn’t like the person, you save them a few days of wondering. If you like the person, than hooray you can see them again sooner. I just dislike this cultural norms a lot.
Again, this is just me. I respect it in reality and don’t want to be rude. Just venting about my internal frustration around post first date etiquette.
Edit: yeah no second date. Oh well.
26 comments
Perhaps (and I’m the same) she wants to save communication for the next face to face opportunity because she actually likes you?
Ignore texting frequency, energy and whatever it seems to mean. We’re not all the same in how we communicate and texting is a terrible form of it. Setup the next thing with a definite place and time, and don’t talk until then – pretty normal.
There’s no post first-date etiquette. If anyone is playing coy or aren’t as enthusiastic about you as you are about them post first date, just means there was no click, whatever you may have imagined. I always ask people out the next day, and if it’s not ‘hell yes’, I move on.
Honestly you need to take a step back and analyze yourself because reading this tells me you *are* too invested too early. Yes, it can be anxiety inducing sometimes when you really really like someone and not being sure they feel the same. I’ve had issues with that myself. But you have to accept the reality that not everyone will have mutual feelings.
This is why it’s incredibly important to approach dating with natural indifference – a secondary thing in your life. You need to make sure 90% of your attention is focused on something unrelated to your dating life so you don’t get caught up on one person. I promise it’s easier with better confidence and having most of your attention consumed elsewhere.
There are **definitely** cool down periods that absolutely need to happen between dates and between communication. Too much texting before and after will be too overwhelming for her. Now some women will be texty themselves and that’s fine, even a good sign – just be cordial, responsive but fun and carefree. Other than that, give her the gift of missing you and wondering about you while you continue working towards something in your life, whether it’s career, exercise, some hobby, whatever. Then, after a day or two, you just simply hit her up with a text asking her out again. Simple. But as a man, you should really only be using texting to set up dates at this stage.
This is how it’ll work for the first few dates until you both, hopefully, start forming your own unique bond which will maybe lead to a relationship. And if she doesn’t respond to that text within a day? Well you have your answer – time to take your very valuable time elsewhere because **there is** someone who will value it and you don’t want to miss out on that person.
I didn’t even suspect that this was a thing, but honestly, it is frustrating, I came from a diferent place where dating rules are maybe more simple, if after the first date you like that person you start talking even more,if you don’t you came with the clasic I think thag we can be friends but here is way more complicated, because for some reason people can’t be stray forward with how they feel about the other person, and I start to feel that dating is too much of an unnecessary effort because I don’t want to play it cool, I rather to be open with my emotions
I don’t do the post-first date cool off. I text when I get home that night that I enjoyed my time with them by making it about something they shared with me.
“I had a great time with you tonight, thanks so much for sharing that about [deeper thing she shared]. Looking forward to seeing you again!”
This affirms that I was listening to them and most appreciate when they share deeper stuff with me. Then wait for a reply. Doesn’t matter what the reply is really. If it feels positive to me, I text back plans for a second date.
If they don’t step up and confirm or alter my plan, I assume that’s a dead end and move on. If they do show me they’re serious about moving to a second date, then I start messaging them just like before the first date. Asking questions, sharing dreams, etc.
I can tell just from reading this that you’re a male.
Unfortunately, it’s seen as more of a deficit for men to get excited about shit, to a lot. It’s a turn off to seem too excited or eager
the game is the game bro
What was her response to you saying you had a good time?
Ohh dear
I’ve gone out with guys who have suggested what to do for the next date during the date we were on (even a day/time). Also have had guys ask me the next day after a date to see me as well.
I liked the guys who did this so I had no problems saying yes to the future dates and the spontaneous next day dates. Not sure why you think you can’t be open.
I know you’re venting and I know how frustrating this period is (from a woman’s perspective). I know you aren’t looking for advice, but have you ever considered simply texting now and simply saying ‘I had a great date with you on (insert day). Id like to see you again soon. And maybe inserting a date that you’re free on or saying,’ if youd like to as well, let me know when you’re free.’
I never liked the wait after the first date either and if I liked the guy I certainly enjoyed getting a message like this and certainly was never a put off if I was feeling the same.
It also has the bonus of giving you your answer, without waiting around wondering. Just let you condlfidence shine out rather than your anxiety, as anxiety can often be misinterpreted as irritation or frustration. If two people like each other there’s really no need at all to play games with texting. Trust me, I’ve tried both angles and if some one likes you, they still will and the only difference is, it’s not miserable and stressful doing it this way instead.
Wishing you lots of luck and a second date 🙏🏽
Well it sounds like you have enough experience to know not to act obsessive after one single date. I get it, it’s frustrating. Just got to be patient and keep talking to others in the meantime to keep you occupied.
I wait until I get home from the date to text the person but that’s about it. If the vibe is off and our levels of interest don’t match, I just move on.
Lol. On my last date the guy texted me to say he didn’t feel a ‘romantic connection’ 15 MINUTES after the end of the date. He must have still been on the train. I was still in the pub. It made me feel awful, like I’m so unattractive he couldn’t wait to get shot of me. It was the final straw in a run of terrible experiences. I haven’t dated since
You can affirm that you want to keep the conversation going afterwards. There’s nothing wrong with being direct at the end of the date. “I really like you, and I had a great time tonight. I’d love to do this again soon. What do you think?” Life is too damn busy for games and unclear communication.
Thought this was actually gonna be about periods 😂 was confused for a sec
And here I was thinking you were worrying about menstruation after a date…
I’ve always found the “I had a great time” text right after a date to be redundant and too open-ended, almost like you’re unsure if you even wanna see them again and are just trying to be polite. Like you just had the great time, and presumably you told each other at the end of the date how great a time you had, why repeat yourself? I treat it as a time to look forward. My next text is always aimed at keeping that good momentum going, not looking back. And taking time to process how the date went is healthy! You should do the same! Are you taking time to consider if you really like her, or maybe you were just getting wrapped up in the vibes of the evening? I’ve had dozens of dates that were fire, only to reflect back over the next few days and realize we wouldn’t really be a good match.
Maybe she is busy
Sometimes it takes a couple hours, or more, to know how you actually felt about a date. Better to be want and be accurate in your response than positive just because.
Man, super disappointed to find out this post isn’t about menstruation.
You can go your own pace, but it’s not fair to judge your date for not going at the exact same pace in an unspoken way. Just because you know on the first date doesn’t make some worldwide mandate that everyone else needs to have that same level of confidence in their feelings after one date. Especially if you’re dealing with someone who has had more trauma or bad experiences than you. They might need information to feel safe that you don’t have to consider, and that information might feel weird or inappropriate to ask about on the first date. Or they really did like you, but they saw something that felt like a red flag and they’re giving you a second chance to see if it’s actually a problem or not.
I truly believe that when it’s not yes, then it’s a no. Games and doubts are cruel and a sign of insecurity or uncertainty
It’s true that there are these “rules”, no one wants to come off as the creepy, the needy, but…not saying anything after a first date is a bad sign.
Someone did this to me recently (after the second date/hookup) and I called him out. He freaked out and thought I was needy or too much into him. It’s not that. It’s that we see what is happening and why and that is just rude. We have emotions. It’s not love or claiming a person, but ignoring people is rude.
I thought you meant when you get your period right after
Its taken me longer than a few dates to decide if I truly like someone. Sometimes Im just unsure.
So maybe this will help and maybe jot but when I leave a first date (any fate, really) I say “text me when you get home”. It’s half to be like “hey I care” but also opens the door to check in afterwards and give feedback
Don’t text and talk to her everyday. Texting should be only use for setting up a date