My parents marriage was the biggest example for a relationship that I had growing up and the example wasn’t good. I use my parents marriage as an example of what I don’t want.
I got married in 2020 and unfortunately I’ve let myself fall to the example I had from my mom being a wife. I’m really working on becoming the kind of wife I want to be but with only a couple examples I’m not sure what kind of wife I want to be. So, what does being a wife mean to you and what steps did you take to become what you wanted to become?
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I think a more important question is what does being a wife mean to you? You might not enjoy being the type of wife I am and I might not enjoy the type of wife you want to be. My friends all have very happy marriages and they all look different from each other
What does it matter what it means to us? Tell us what it means to YOU and what you are doing to change your behavior.
Relationships are a two-way street of love, respect, trust, and communication. A healthy relationship is based on those foundations. So they’re also the behavioural foundations I think of when I think about what kind of partner I want to be.
I used to obsess over this question quite a lot until I realized that being a “wife” doesn’t mean *anything* to me personally, at least nothing positive. I’m not saying I am not committed to being a loyal and loving spouse to my partner—I just don’t equate that with any particular definition of being a “wife”. In my experience (as in others can disagree with this all they want, but I’m speaking from my own personal perspective, nothing more) “wives” are female spouses, sure, but unfortunately there’s a lot of other baggage that comes along with the title. Fair or not, it’s a term that is historically associated with subjugation, objectification, sacrifice, obscurity and disempowerment. Even nowadays, it’s hard for me not to hear “wife” and picture a meek, gentle, conflict-averse woman who bases the definition of her relationship to her partner entirely on her gender (more specifically on how her gender contrasts with that of her male partner, i.e. her “femininity”). That’s not me, and it has never felt like me. More importantly, it has nothing to do with being a loyal and loving spouse to my partner. In my mind, “wife” is a category I simply don’t identify with…..so I don’t bother trying! Objectively, I am a partner, a spouse—subjectively I am just me, a female human who happens to love and be devoted to my male partner. As far as I’m concerned, the “wife” title is irrelevant to that.
So if divorcing (pun intended) the word from the feelings behind it helps you get clarity on your relationship to marriage at all, I encourage you to do that and *then* see where you are. You don’t have to identify as a wife to be married, or to be love and be committed to your partner. You are allowed to just be “you”. 🙂
There’s no reason to make this question about gender roles. What does being a spouse/partner mean to you?
For me, being a partner is just that – an equal in a partnership. I share my spouse’s wins and losses. I split the work and share the fun. I take responsibility for my part of the health of the relationship. I deposit my money into our shared accounts. I contribute my part to the mental work of running a household. I’m there to support, and to take my turn at being supported. I try to make my spouse feel loved, appreciated, cared for, desired, and happy. I work to be loyal and honest, and am 100 percent devoted my spouse and our relationship. And I clean the cat boxes.
I’m sure I overlooked a lot of things, but I’m very appreciative my spouse does all these things, and more, for us as well. I’m a lucky man.
I try not to gender it because then I get put in a box with expectations for how I should act based on being a woman. Which is an empty perspective. There’s no basis for it and I wouldn’t (and didnt) marry someone who would put that on me, as it’s usually because they don’t want to do the work and think they can push all the marital responsibilities on me.
I want to be a partner who promotes equity, compassion and support. I want to always have my husbands back and work towards a relationship that nurtures one another and is fulfilling. I want to carry my share of the mental load, and have grace in my marriage and for my partner in not sweating the small shit and looking at the bigger picture.
I most of all want to learn how to love unconditionally, to not have unrealistic expectations for who my partner should be as a human and instead accept him fully. And that doesn’t mean accepting poor treatment or a lack of equity in the household, but rather who he is, his desires and fears, his dreams, and his personhood.
For me it means supporting my husband on the good and bad days, holding him when he’s sad, listening when he’s mad, sharing the load of taking care of the house and yard and garden, planning fun things to do together, checking in on how he’s doing, making him laugh, doing little things that show I’m thinking of him and appreciate him.
A woman I love to spend time with for the rest of my life.
That’s it. We both work, clean the house, take care of the kids, cook, etc. as equals. The only difference is she is a woman and I am a man.
We are partners. We go into everything equally and make decisions together. We respect each other, lift each other up when needed, and have fun together. We just love each other.
There is no reason to assign a gender with how you treat your partner.
Like you my parents had a horrible relationship, I learned a lot from them too.
Being a wife…means I am married to I husband
It means being married, that’s all.
Your relationship gets to be whatever you want it to be. You get to be the architect of your marriage.
It means being a partner in life. Supporting someone through the ups and downs who does the same for you. It means not having to do everything, because someone helps you with it. It means compromise and understanding.
My husband and I each work full time, and we each do things around the house (yes, me more than him, but that’s another story lol). There are times when I keep my mouth shut because I don’t want to fight and it’s more peaceful, and times where I push back when necessary (and he does the same). I don’t have a sex drive, but have 2-3x/week because he has a high sex drive. We have a rule that if one of us asks for a back rub, we get it.
Being a wife is having a best friend. You should have that connection where you can be serious when you need, goofy when you need, and everywhere in between.
The word “wife” feminizes the roll of a female partner to a fault. In my first marriage I loved hearing “wife” when my then-husband said it. It was something I wanted to hear.
I now will be a wife again in a couple of years. However we have chosen Life Partner for each other as to not shoebox it. So to speak.
I’ve realized that my fiancé feels we are two people that are in love with each other and will work on certain rolls together.
My parents had the best relationship and they were my best example. Long story as to why my first marriage failed. However I waited nine years to date again after the divorce.
Wife is a partner. As a husband is a partner. Clear communication and appreciation and affection are imperative to the relationship. With or without the terms of husband and wife. I hope this helped
I’m a wife, yes, but I think in terms of marriage and what my role is next to my husband is simply being a partner. Partner usually means equals, teammates. Everything I’m asked to do is expected of my husband as well because we’ve entered this marriage together. Being a wife, is just being a good, loving and affectionate person, the same as being a husband. Your marriage is defined by what *you* and your *husband* want out of this. What makes you happy? What makes him happy? What are your roles outside of your home and how do those change your marriage? What are your partners emotional, physical and mental needs? Because what your husband needs from you isn’t going to be the same as what mine needs from me. So while you may use your parents marriage as a what to do or not to do example, you can set your own examples. I love my parents and they are still married to each other and they did good and bad things in their marriage, but they are different people who also brought very different traumas to the table and personalities and so on.
So while maybe being a wife is tending to your husband, making dinners and packing lunches and letting them vent to you about work, or whatever else, it’s so much more than that. It’s just about tuning into who your husband is and just being their safe space, their love and sharing all the joys and difficulties of life. Everything in between is up to you