Last night I was hanging out with a friend when we started getting intimate. We’re both 21. It was our second time hanging out, and I have known her for quite some time because she was dating a friend for almost a year.
Anyways, we were making out in a pool and she told me she wanted to have sex, and I tried to explain to her that I was super flattered and think she’s attractive, that I usually wait a bit longer because I get sex anxiety and deal with some trauma, and I just prefer to warm up to someone, and would be down in the future if we kept hanging out. She had brought up her own trauma before way more than me so I thought it was cool. She got really quiet and had us immediately go back to her place, and then she suddenly asked me to leave, point blank and super coldly, and she hasn’t texted me since. It hurt pretty bad because this has happened to me a few times before and it feels like nobody wants to associate with a man with pain.
It feels like I’ll never meet someone who’s just willing to wait to have sex and that I’ll be stuck in this cycle of anxiety forever. This has definitely made my sex anxiety worse. I don’t know what to do, I feel hopeless. I feel like giving up.
Edit: I would like to thank everyone for your support, compassion, and kind words. It really means so much to me and it’s going to stick with me forever — thank you so much everyone!!
50 comments
>I’ve only told girls I just want to wait to have sex just a bit longer and always spare the details, but it’s usually met with ghosting.
This right here is all you need to know they weren’t the ones. Holding onto the “right nows” are making you feel this. Age isn’t mentioned but you shouldn’t feel bad because you have problems. Everyone has problems and it’s for the best you don’t associate with people that can’t understand yours. That’s the express lane to manipulation if you allow someone to break your trust and boundaries. Stay strong, man. It’s hard but it’s not impossible.
Sounds like you’re a genuinely good guy. Stay the way you are. The problem is with these emotionally stunted girls you hang out with. No one (male or female) should pressure anyone into having sex.
I’ll also add, having a genuine connection with someone makes for a better experience too. You’ll find the person you’re looking for.
We’re socialized to believe that a woman’s worth is determined by her sexual desirability and that men want sex from women any time any place. This leads to a lot of women feeling *hugely* rejected and worthless when a man turns them down for sex. I’m sorry you’ve been treated that way; it’s incredibly insensitive and unfair. If it’s any consolation, it almost certainly has nothing to do with your disclosure and everything to do with the potential partner’s own insecurity.
I’m 24m and relate. I’m just now feel like I’m fully getting over some sexual trauma from my childhood that usually led to sex anxiety. Honestly what helped me was time itself, and of course working to better all aspects of my mental health, not focusing on the sexual anxiety as much but the cause of it as well as other mental things I’ve struggled with. As time passes, things get better so don’t trip
She acted like a dick imo, didn’t respect your feelings at all just thought of herself and her ego being bruised
Jeez double standards are bs. Most of the time its the male that wants to push sex on the woman. If I was being intimate with a man that wanted to wait a bit longer I would be touched that this person wanted to get to know me more on an emotional, intellectual level. That would make me want him more and respect his decision. For the most part I think most women would side with my opinion. I wouldnt feel discouraged but glad that this person showed that shes bossy and trying to force things on you already so soon into getting to know a person. Keep on keeping on, just be glad that you protected yourself dignity, this is a win believe me :))
I’ve said it several times her, women do not take rejection for sex very well
As someone who experienced sexual assault at a young age, i can tell you i was completely awkward when it came to sex. I turned down so many girls and later women until I found my significant other. I got cheated on by pretty much every major relationship i had prior to my wife. We’ve been happily married for 15 years and our sex is amazing so hang in there. You don’t need to be with a girl who won’t take your feelings into account and only objectifies you. You will find that special someone who will take care of you as a man both emotionally and physically.
You made the right choice to be clear about your boundaries, instead of making the mistake of sleeping with someone like that.
You shouldn’t be hurt or embarrassed, you should be proud of yourself for standing your own grounds and let anyone coerce you to do something that you don’t want to do or not comfortable with. You are a strong person.
>I usually wait a bit longer because I get sex anxiety and deal with some trauma, and I just prefer to warm up to someone, and would be down in the future if we kept hanging out. She had brought up her own trauma before way more than me so I thought it was cool.
I think you may have answered your own question. Perhaps she has her own hangups and let her guard down with you, only to be turned down, so the feeling of rejection was a little more than she could handle.
Not fair of her to put that on you or not explain herself, but it would also be understandable.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this.
I think maybe in a way you’re both victim to society’s pressure. That men feel the need to perform and women feel the need to be desired. It’s the worst.
I hope in the future you find someone who is able to understand you and appreciate you. You are strong and beautiful that you stand by what you need.
That is harsh. I too have trauma, where I absolutely would not and could not just have casual sex with someone I didn’t trust or haven’t gotten to know well yet. That said, I had a woman do the same. I tried to slow things down, and she left almost immediately and never heard from her again. I dodged a bullet though, as she had many wreckless encounters with many people and tested positive for HIV not long after. She likely had it when she was trying to get me to screw her with absolutely no protection. And I was the bad guy because I wasn’t just a wreckless piece of meat lol. I suppose people like that who cannot accept/respect your wishes and trauma wouldn’t make a good partner, romantic or otherwise. There is a lot of trust when it comes to intimacy. It’s a very vulnerable act, on both sides. Some people might be fine just freely having sex with anyone at anytime, and that’s fine, just it’s not for everyone. If we are to accept their choices, they need to respect ours.
It doesn’t make you less of a man to turn her down. Nor does it make you a prude, weak, useless, etc. Men are allowed to have the final say when it comes to their own bodies, mind, emotions, and whatnot. Sex positivity should be a two way street. Accepting others for doing things with consenting partners, and accepting those who don’t, or don’t always, or don’t right away, or don’t from the hours of 3am to 1246pm.
You did nothing wrong, you sound like a great guy! She definitely is not the one.
That’s not cool. Find someone else to chill with.
You shouldn’t be giving yourself to girl like this in the first place. Waiting makes it that much more amazing when it finally happens. Find someone who wants to wait with you for the perfect moment.
>I get sex anxiety and deal with some trauma
By what I’m understanding, if it weren’t for that trauma, you would have gone for it? If yes, have you been to a therapist to try to address and help heal through your underlying trauma? Because at this point, considering you mentioned this kind of thing having happened multiple times, having those anecdotes stacked on top of each other, by the logic of induction we can reach to the conclusion that where you live in might not be a sex-positive place that is instead plagued by the gender norms/expectations that “men are always up and hungry for sex”. And the fact that it has been getting progressively worse with each occurrence means the likelihood of succeeding with each upcoming encounter becomes lower and lower, since different people have different tolerance levels when it comes to acceptance and willing to cooperate with other people’s trauma, and the further to the extreme you get, the less people will be inclined to do that statistically. Considering that I’d recommend putting on hold actively seeking out relationships/sexual encounters until you’ve sorted your trauma in therapy. Because, sadly, it seems like you would have to accommodate to the environment of the place you’re living in, and the circumstances seem exactly inhospitable in that regard. Accommodation in this case being either relieving from your trauma’s weight and making similar future rejection occurrences not (as) painful/traumatic, or once relieved from the trauma (assuming the current unwillingness is caused solely or at least mainly by it) – being up for more casual sex and/or sex without the deep emotional connection already established.
Girls can change their minds suddenly and sometimes they’re not sure why either. This doesn’t make it easier, and it has hurt many men, including me. But you need to try to not take it personal. It is an issue of her with herself and you were just a participant.
This is not to downplay her experience. None of us know what her reasons were that night, what her previous sexual experience had been or what was going through her mind (or heart.) But from my experience, girls can change their mood mid sex and you just have to let it go.
This is about you and your experience and it’s good that you feel these emotions and good that you express them. Shows that you are a good man. You did well wanting to take things slower and now you’ll have to close the experience for yourself. You did the best you know with what you could and knew.
Anything about her is just a guessing game and will not give you any closure. I hope you can let go of the experience and just remember the delight that you have experienced.
Don’t ever let anyone pressure you for sex, I am proud of you for not giving in.
She took you turning her down personal, because of her own insecurities.
You didn’t do anything wrong. And I’m proud of you for making that decision. Women get their feelings and self esteem hurt by sexual rejection. But reverse the gender roles and no one would think twice that you did the right thing.
It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. I know it’s easier said than internalized, but there is nothing wrong with you 🙂 Someone who isn’t willing to wait simply isn’t for you. Sucks this happened, but you are fine, friend.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. You need to stay true to yourself… the right one(s) for you is/are out there.
I’m sorry to hear this. You have every right not to have sex, trauma or no trauma. Assuming you are male I think it could be that men are often perceived to be very interested in sex. Of course that is a stereotype though. I hope you can find better people to hang out with. Honestly I don’t think she’s worth your time at this point, though of course that is entirely your decision.
their are plenty of women who will gladly wait. i was ready early but my wife had us a wait long time. you usually know you got a good one if they’re not trying to dick you down first night
Don’t give up mate – and especially, don’t consider compromising yourself to satisfy someone else’s desires. EVERYONE who hasn’t honoured your request would be someone who will POTENTIALLY hurt you in many other ways down the track.
Intimate relationships are about compromise – and anyone who speaks about their own need for consideration who then goes on to COMPLETELY disregard your own request for consideration is just showing their narcissistic tendencies and letting you know what’s in store for you down the track.
You’re dodging bullets here mate, not failing – and yeah, I know it might seem like you’re being shot at by a whole company’s worth of miniguns … that’s just the way the world is now …
I’m a 51 yo guy, and I have reasons to need to take things slow as well. I’m also a veteran with PTSD and have things related to that that I ask consideration for from people I’m intimate with. I’m offering you some of my own experience telling you this:
NOT asking for your needs to be considered, or forgiving someone who refuses to consider your needs when asked WILL bite you in the ass only a little further down the track.
You’re OK, and you’re doing just fine the way you’re doing things right now. You may have to do them alone for a little longer and that’s OK – because every moment you’re NOT spending with Miss Wrong, is another opportunity for you to meet Miss Right.
All the best brother.
You’ll meet someone. Girls don’t typically experience rejection.. so brats and immature assholes will get angry instead of trying to understand and respect you. You be you and don’t ever be afraid or ashamed to say no and you’ll meet the right person at the right time who will respect and understand you.
Don’t wreck your brain over it. The reason isn’t that important because you will never really know what that reason was.
how u fumble this hard bro lol. Just relax and have a good time, that’s all you need 🙏
Stay true to yourself. It’s the only way to happiness. When the time is right the right person will show up.
Not that long ago I was having a conversation with some single friends about this kind of thing. My contention is that if you really want to see what kind of woman you’re dating? Turn her down for sex and see how she handles it. It was a theoretical discussion because we don’t advocate playing games with people, but some of their experiences echoed what happened to you.
Whats your pain brother?
I would have so much respect if a guy took the time to explain why he wasn’t ready for more. I can’t imagine treating someone so coldly after they opened up about something so personal. It was cruel and inconsiderate. My advice would be to wait until you feel like you’re really with the right person before you trying sleeping with them because it will do wonders for your anxiety versus feeling pressured to hookup and it leading to you having even more anxiety. Having a deep connection makes intimacy feel so much more comfortable and safe. Men are more than just sex, the right person will recognize and appreciate that.
Sorry this happened to you. It never feels good to realize someone just wanted an orgasm, and their nice words and fun together was just to get what they wanted.
Don’t sweat it my man. All this means is you and her were not a good match. I know it’s frustrating and you may want to go back and do some stuff over to “make” it a match but that would only be putting a square peg in a round hole. Just let it be and move on.
You know there are different levels of relationships (example: F-buddy, FWB, Dating to become more serious). You said she was just in a yearlong relationship. Perhaps she’s not ready to be looking towards another serious partner. It appears she had one level in mind, you had another.
If that’s the case, of course she should have been more clear with you up front so you didn’t invest emotionally in future possibilities and could have made your own choices, saving you from being rejected by surprise.
While not what you anticipated, expected or wanted, perhaps you could look at it as she was attracted to you, just not ready for much more than a casual interaction.
You did the right thing. “Be true to thy own self”
aw dude don’t sweat it, it sounds like you both have incompatible traumas
if you have trauma around having sex too early and the other person has trauma around being rejected or turned down for sex, the situation is just set up for pain and failure
not a slight to either one of you and neither of your faults
I’m just guessing – she could’ve just been a jerk, but my guess is based on the fact that it’s a common source of trauma and anxiety from women because of toxic patriarchal gender stereotypes that harm everyone
You might be demisexual.
I recently concluded I’m demi. I can’t really “get excited” unless I’m more emotionally connected and comfortable with someone first.
I can’t just “be horny” on the spot for a girl unless I know her a bit more.
I would’ve done the same in your spot. If she ain’t into it, her loss. Your boundaries are your boundaries.
Late but I also have really bad sex anxiety from some trauma (I’m a woman tho) and all I can say is if they can’t accept it they aren’t the ones for you. Does it hurt? Hell yes it does, but I personally don’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t respect my boundaries/comfort anyways and if they don’t respect me needing time to know/be comfortable with them, boom, instant red flag and instant no from me anyways. Keep your head up, there are people out there that are perfectly fine waiting!
never ever feel pressured into sex. I’m so proud you held your boundary, I know how hard that is! this girl took herself out, I can’t imagine someone telling me they need more time to warm up to sex with me and getting upset with them. like others have said, she might have been feeling rejected (maybe the first time ever) and projected that feeling onto you. keep your head up king, there’s better things out there
So sorry you experienced this. No one should have to feel bad about this kind of thing. There is no excuse for her behavior
WHAT THE FK?!? Their loss!!
She probably got triggered by something but that is NOT your fault in the slightest and there is nothing wrong with you or the way you choose to intimate. Waiting is totally valid and you should never give up to pressure.
The right girl for you will come around. You stick true to yourself, you deserve a person capable of understanding you, making you comfortable and calm. Anyone who makes you anxious is not right for you.
Next time just go home with her and start with cuddling and don’t take it no further if you don’t want to. But turning a girl down like that is a huge hit to her ego
You are allowed to say no and if someone doesn’t like your explanation that’s really their problem. If they don’t want to be with or around you because you wont have sex for any reason then that’s just manipulation. That being said your explanation of things is a bit confusing because you said you knew this woman for over a year and it’s also your second time “hanging out” So it sounds like she was possibly felt like she was being led on and your explination of “well i don’t know you well enough” Could be a severely frustrating answer to hear especially if you were already in the same friend group. She could have felt super rejected especially “in the moment.” Hopefully you two can work it out but I would be careful with how you approach and let her know that you are still interested in pursuing a relationship but you need to know that you want your sexual partners to be more committed and you are not interested in casual sex and make sure you are apologetic for any signals that you may have been giving that you wanted to fuck. Let her know you really do want to have sexytime and it almost killed you to say what you said but you would be willing to get to know her better and see about going ot the next level? Things can get messy in the heat of the moment so you need to realize that “making out” could lead to other parties wanting more and if you are not willing to go all the way home it would be best for both parties to be upfront where your boundaries are before you go to first base. Not saying this is all your fault dude shit happens just be more aware and hopefully this won’t happen again. Just make sure you set your boundaries first with anyone and if they have a problem with that then move on. if you wait until a woman is taking her clothes off to tell them sex is not happening tonight then that is going to hurt a lot of feelings. Someone is out there that will be okay with your boundaries but being scared to communicate them because you are afraid of them running away is not good for anyone especially you because you are going to be worried how they will act once you finally tell them.
Or maybe she just changed her mind about wanting to be with you. You had known her for a year because she was dating a friend – things can get weird. It may have nothing to do with you but that is why people say to beware being the rebound relationship.
i definitey think its not about you showing vulnerability or talking about your traumatic experiences to those girls. its just that for a girl to be sexually rejected it feels like a slap in the face, its really humiliating. i really doubt they stopped talking to you because you want to wait a bit longer before you get intimate, its just the timing and situation that made it so they got hurt and its not your fault, you’re entitled to your boundaries, wished and wants. maybe next time you meet someone that shows interest in you make it clear very early you dont wanna rush into sex too soon. if you splash that in their face for the first time when they’re horny they’ll get offended. hope you find healing from your trauma by the way, best wishes
Man, think a man did this to a woman… Bro just fuck them. You will find a girl who cares about you, not just your dick. A girl who kicks you out when you don’t wanna have sex today, will cheat on you tomorrow.
Make her sign you are not responsible for pregnancy and then tell her you won’t be using condom.
I bet she will think 100 times before sex then😉.