I’ve been single and dating for a little over a year now since my last relationship ended. I’m at a point in my life where everything is going really well, and I’d like to settle down, and find the right person to share a life with, especially now that more and more of my friends are getting married. I’m complete and happy on my own, but know that I want a partner. At first, dating was fun… but as I went on more and more date, getting ghosted, not having a connection after multiple dates with someone, having really boring first dates where we just had very little in common and clearly were not a match, Im starting to feel discouraged.
I’m trying to be more intentional about going on dates with guys off the app that I have good conversations with, and find interesting and attractive… but I’m not coming across many of those. And now logging on to the apps, hoping to find someone funny and kind and that I enjoy talking to, is starting to feel more and more unlikely. I haven’t gone on a date at this point in like two-three months. I’ve asked friends to set me up, but no one seems to know any single guys for me. I’m trying to be proactive in real life, get out and do things… But it’s just not happening
tldr: I’m feeling really discouraged and tired dating. Would appreciate any advice or success stories.
25 comments
Sounds like you’re going to have to go old school….smiling/chatting to guys in the coffee shop/supermarket/bar etc. Yes there are a lot of poor quality people out there but there are also good ones. Maybe it’s just they’re not using the apps you are
I understand how you must feel, I feel similar although only 6 months out of a relationship and been online dating for about a month. It. Is. Draining. And the constant “mini rejections” (as I currently see them) of being ghosted, no second dates, no one who I seem to have a particular interest in, is tedious and feels like a bit of a battle.
I wonder if taking some additional time off the apps and then starting again with a refreshed outlook may help?
And you probably won’t get that instant “spark”, or whatever. In my experience, you have to get to know a person. Spend time with them, even if it’s just as friends, companions. Sports, hobbies, cooking together, watching movies, etc. That’s how you get to know them, over time. Boring, awkward, standard restaurant dates are hardly going to help you get to know a person.
First impressions can be deceiving, as well. Give people a benefit of a doubt.
Don’t immediately judge them on your criteria. Just try to befriend them. Have a good time together.
Dating is not a chore.
Are you only relying on dating apps? Maybe you need to try meeting people more organically. Join classes/clubs in your area, attend events, volunteer, check out what’s local on meetup that would interest you.
I’m from a different time, so I don’t know how the apps work or what type of guys they attract (guessing not the good ones…)
Have you tried meeting guys outside of the internet? 95% of guys will not approach you unless they feel like they have a chance. Alot of times a nice smile is all it takes to get things moving in the direction you want….
It’s tough dating these days! The best thing for burnout is to take a break for awhile. Probably coincidentally, but some of my best relationships were with people who just created a new account or moved to the city recently. Also I don’t know if it’s still around these days, but OKCupid tends to be much better than the swiping apps because it takes away from wasted time of meeting people you don’t have much in common with.
Dating is like trying to find a good film on Netflix: it’s a real hunt, but once in a while you find a gem.
My advice: learn to enjoy the hunt, and place no expectations on what you find. That’s when the gems appear.
I can’t remember the podcast name, but the wisdom was “we get so frustrated with dating because effort ≠ results. Someone can meet 1,000 people and still be single, while another finds a life partner on their first date.”
I was the 1,000 date person while I was my partner’s first and only match on Bumble. We’ve been together for 3 years now but I’m still a little jealous of his luck!
I was in a similar place a few years ago after getting it of a disappointing decade long relationship. I was on the apps for like two years, and most of the potential matches went the way yours did.
I refused to compromise on what I wanted, and honestly I think being a little burnt out really helped me weed out the people who wouldn’t want to be with me. I was very up front about deal breakers and what I was looking for. It made several people turn and run, and I was fine with that.
Eight months ago I started dating my current partner, who enthusiastically responded to the things that had made others turn and run. I love them so much and have literally never been this happy.
Point is, it can take a lot of sifting to find gold. Sift efficiently as possible, and best of luck.
I empathize! Four suggestions. The first is about your overall paradigm, the next are about conserving energy in the dating process to delay burnout.
1) Embrace the idea you might not find someone. Yes, there’s some mourning in that, but it’s the best way live a completely full and happy life single (which yes, can be done).
2) Do brief video chats with guys before meeting IRL. Hugely helps you get a sense of each other before meeting and saves energy. Way more effective than a million texts too.
3) End things at the first red flag or sign of incompatibility. People are putting their very best face forward in the early stages of dating, so negative indicators should be taken seriously. Save your energy once the writing is on the wall!
4) Watch how a man acts (more than what he says) and look for someone who invests as much in you (time/energy/effort) as you do in him. Women are socialized to be caretakers and to derive self worth from relationships – consequently, it’s easy for us to end up in imbalanced relationships.
I suggest going on one of the dating app subreddits and ask for people to give you constructive criticism on your profile. You can post a screen shot and explain what you’re looking for.
Funnily enough, I met my now husband on r/OkCupid
Just take a long break, engage in all the self care.
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Could you enroll in more activities in person to meet more people? Running group, volunteering, whatever. Getting out and doing things is a good way.
I feel you, it gets very tiring. I don’t have any advice on how to meet better matches but when I feel discouraged, I either take a break or try to pay more attention to couples that I really admire and listen to those stories to keep the hope alive lol
Every time I have met someone where there was a great vibe and conversation flowed easily is when I wasn’t looking for someone. Join groups geared around your hobbies or interests, go bird watching, take a horticulture class and go not with the intent of meeting someone but because it’s something you will enjoy or would like to learn. It will happen when you’re not trying to make it happen.There’s a top for every pot….
Dating can be fun and I can see how it can also be discouraging. I think it all comes down to how you approach it. Be intentional about it, however, don’t put all of your energy on trying to find “the one”.
My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over two months ago. Last week, he surprised me by coming over late at night. I just had finished lecture (in nursing school). He looked so happy and I felt like he wanted to tell me something. I looked like a total mess. We went to bed since I had work in the morning. His eyes were so bright, big and he kept looking at me telling me how beautiful I am. I asked him to tell me something I didn’t know and I could see he was struggling to find the words… and then he told me he loves me. I thought I was hearing things so I ask him to repeat it. I told him I love him too.
I haven’t felt like this in years and even then, our love feels so healthy, right, and new. We fit like two puzzle pieces.
To think we almost didn’t meet… we started talking on OLD in an incredibly busy season of our lives. We both work and go to school. When he asked me out, I was so overwhelmed that I basically didn’t respond to him (I thought he’d be better off plus we never had met aside from having a conversation here and there). He says he had a feeling about me and he tried again and the rest is history.
The last two years for me have transformative. I got out of an unhealthy relationship and I decided to really work on the most important relationship: the one we have with ourselves. I have gone to therapy, exercised, learn to love myself, taken care of myself and my body, forgiving myself and my past, etc…
I am incredibly grateful I met a generous, warm, kind, loving, giving man who adds to my happiness. It is really true… when you least expect it, your person will find you.
Date to learn about yourself, about others, about what you want or don’t want, to make mistakes, to risk liking someone or loving someone and the possibility of your heart breaking.
Accept and be comfortable that a well lived life is saying yes and taking risks and being okay with whatever outcome.
Sending ❤️
If you’re looking for marriage, are you specifically seeking guys that also want that or just pulling up any fish who nibbles your line?
I got to my late twenties after a few failed relationships and some dabbling with FWB and hook-ups. So I went through something similar—knew I wanted a partner and marriage and everything but couldn’t find anyone decent and god, dating apps are awful and mediocre bar dates are insufferably awkward.
My advice—if any guy makes it to date number two, you ask him straight up if marriage is on the table (maybe not to you specifically lol, but in general). If it’s not, move on. And don’t invest in a guy unless he wants what you want. You have one life, don’t waste it.
That’s what worked for me. Took a year. Eventually, I met someone who thought I had guts, who saw I knew what I wanted, and that person asked me to marry them. So don’t give up.
Maybe take a break from the dating apps, and just focus on group activities where you’ll meet guys your own age. Co-Ed volleyball, indoor soccer, etc.
Focus on continuing to enjoy/improve your own life, don’t try too hard when it comes to meeting guys, and it should work out on its own.
P.S.: If/when you get back on the apps, after a little break, make sure your first dates are just for drinks or coffee. Much less stress, much less opportunity to get bored, much less investment/regret if things don’t work out. And probably less draining as a result.
Being single is good too
Try finding local groups for activities you enjoy. Like an adventure company or something. The apps are nice, but not the only way to meet people. I don’t know what if any religious affiliation you may have, but they often have groups or gatherings for “young professionals” which are not so secretly meant to possibly meet someone of similar upbringing. Stuff like this can be another avenue to meeting someone. Also, don’t underestimate the set up by friends. Maybe someone’s knows someone? Don’t give up, but also try to relax and just enjoy life. He (or she?) will come.
Dating apps give an unrealistic expectation and unmatched needs. Meet people irl. People should like you for who you are and not what you present yourself to be.
Dating apps give an unrealistic expectation and unmatched needs. Meet people irl. People should like you for who you are and not what you present yourself to be.
I feel this SO much. I am mostly a lurker here on Reddit, but your post hit home with me so much, I felt compelled to comment.
I re-entered the dating world in 2020 after a long term relationship ended. I have also found myself in a stable/happy place in life, but I knew I wanted to find a partner to share it with.
Dating apps were my primary avenue because of the pandemic and sheesh do they get exhausting. I can’t count the number of times I paused and unpaused my accounts merely because I was just tired of it all…
but eventually, during a stint I felt the energy to be on them again, I did find someone special. We’ve been dating for 5 months and I have high hopes for this turning into the real-deal long-haul.
I know the grind of it all is awful, but there are gems like you out there to be found. My one piece of advice when it comes to the apps is actually to try to spend less time messaging. If the person seems like they may satisfy your major requirements for a partner, go out with them and find out. I started doing that and found I was able to gather so much more about a potential connection in a shorter amount of time than trying to keep up with messaging etc. Even a phone/video call can tell you so much more than text, but that’s just what worked for me.
If you want to talk more about it, feel free to message me 🙂
Good luck!