Conflicted About Disliking Children as a Woman

28 comments

1. How was your childhood?

2. I have a 6-year-old niece, the daughter of my cousin’s family, (she seems to be deaf, I’m not sure because her family does not take her to the doctor), still unable to speak and defecating everywhere, often screaming. I seem to feel annoyed and angry every time I meet my niece (OK, I know my personality is very bad). The truth is, I don’t have the patience to listen to the sound of children screaming, deep down inside, I just want to shut them up or do terrible violent acts to make them shut up (of course, I have not done so because I know it’s wrong).

   My brother recently got married and they plan to have a child this year. I love my brother very much, so I think my relationship with my future niece or nephew will be fine. But I’m still so worried about my bad personality.

3. It’s perfectly normal to not want children, regardless of your gender. You don’t have to have children if you don’t want them, and shouldn’t. It’s not fair to a child to bring them into a family where they’re not fully wanted.

   You need to be honest with your BF with how you’re feeling. If he’s dead set on having kids, he needs to be paired with someone else who also wants kids.

4. I’ll assume you live in the US? American culture still tells women that being a mother is their highest, best calling. And yet, as you’ve seen, doesn’t support mothers very well.

   Whether or not there’s a reason that you don’t like children is besides the point. In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. I’d even go further and say that many therapists and psychologists would find their practice dramatically weaker if more people who didn’t really want children never became parents?

   But there’s another point to consider, which may or may not apply to you. I never particularly wanted children. I find other peoples’ kids to be annoying more often than not. But I have had kids of my own, and I love them dearly. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. This isn’t to suggest that my kids are better than others, but that it can matter hugely when they are yours, not someone else’s.

   If you really don’t think you want kids, tell your bf. If he does, it’s a major incompatibility that he deserves to know about ASAP. Whatever you do, don’t accede to his wishes unless you truly are willing to.

5. It’s normal.

   If you’re worried about what it means for you, and your life, the best thing to do is unpack it with a therapist.

   I enjoy children as individuals — generally if I like the parents I’m gonna enjoy their kids well enough — but I don’t like all kids and don’t get infants. Never have. Under about three years of age they are stressful and irritating and no I don’t want to hold the baby, why the hell would I? If you need help I’ll do the dishes or walk the dog but ew, no, not the baby.

   Around your age I thought I might be broken or evil too. It took my own wonderful mother saying “Oh yeah. Those first two years are basically a means to an end. They suck!” to really open my eyes. My mother is a great mother to eight of us! But she was the first to admit she enjoyed parenting a lot more when we school-aged.

   Now, I’ve chosen not to have kids for many of my own reasons, but I also felt like I could have chosen to have them — knowing that I might not really deeply enjoy the infancy, but confident I could get through it just fine.

6. You should look on /childfree, there’s a ton of women these days with such an attitude on there. Not everyone is build to be a parent. And luckily, there’s a lot you can do to stick to that decision if you are firm that you don’t want kids. If this is something that worries you, look into therapy. Then you can dive into what influences your decision and if those are things that won’t change.

   Think a bit more about what you don’t like about children. Mostly because once you are saying you’re childfree, people often get upset over it. Somehow, if it’s your ‘defect’ (impatient), it’s just something ‘wrong’ with you vs that children are terrible and many parents don’t like caring for their own either. It then doesn’t criticize their choices to do have kids.

   If your BF wants kids, your relationship is doomed however. It’s not fair to him and it’s unfair to you. Not having children is the better choice then. Don’t have compromises where a person is going to be resented for existing.

   No, there’s no mystery how kids stall and kill careers. You have a glimpse of your field now. You should look into how flexible it is and if that suits you. Not for pregnancies, but if you want to do some travel or have other life changes, how much growth do you have in such a space? Look into that for reasons other than offspring. They’re not supposed/allowed to discriminate on pregnancies.

7. In Asian culture, women do not have many choices, even if they have education and a career, they will still face prejudice. I feel annoyed and easily angered by the sound of children crying. I also understand the negative impact on health and career when having children.

8. It’s not wrong to be uncomfortable around children or to prefer to not spend time with them, nor is it unnatural to not want kids of your own. That in and of itself is not a psychological problem. Children can be stressful, and choosing to have a life that’s largely separate from them is fine. I know it’s difficult to do when you live in a culture that really prioritizes motherhood, but being a parent simply isn’t the right path for everyone.

   That said, I’m concerned about your comment that children screaming makes you overwhelmed to the point of thinking about hurting them to get them to stop. You’re not a bad person for having that reaction – it’s certainly not a hugely rare feeling for people of all genders to have – and it’s clear that you have no desire to *actually* hurt anyone, but it may point to a broader problem with anxiety or over-stimulation. Consider whether anything else in your life makes you feel that overwhelmed or out of control. If so, it may be worth talking to a professional about how you’re feeling.

   The other thing I’d note is that it sounds like your niece may be disabled or neurodivergent – not communicating or responding to speech at age 6 is **very** concerning. She’s also at an age where potty training should be well underway, at minimum. I can understand not wanting to interfere with your cousin’s parenting choices, but if there’s a way to gently push for them to get her appropriate medical care, you’d be doing her a huge kindness.

9. I have 5 kids and 3 grandkids. As much as I love them they’re also annoying as fuck at times. You shouldn’t feel bad for being put off by kids. Not everyone has the needed skills or oatience. I wish everyone were just honest about that unstained of feeling forced into it and not being good parents. I know many adults without kids who live being childless and have no regrets. I also know parents who absolutely regret having kids and morn their childless life. Better to not have kids than drag people into a misery they didn’t sign up for.

   On the flip side I know a woman who didn’t see herself having kids and who didn’t like kids who now has two boys she’s entirely devoted to. She’s an awesome mom. But it came with hard work and determination. Everyone has their own path. It’s okay.

10. Not wanting kids or enjoying hanging out with them does NOT make you a bad person! What’s important is that you are honest with your bf around what you want, and that you treat people with respect and decency even if they’re children. As long as you do those things, you’re good.

    Your workplace sounds pretty toxic if HR told you when hiring you that you can never take maternity leave, but if you don’t want kids anyway I guess it doesn’t matter too much. Having children definitely impacts women’s careers—research shows that women’s lifetime earnings fall if they have kids. Some workplaces are decent and some aren’t. I definitely wouldn’t want to be trying to find a new job while pregnant, because discrimination happens even if it’s illegal. But I wouldn’t let workplace stuff determine whether or not you have kids.

11. There is nothing wrong with not liking or wanting children. Nothing bad will happen to anyone as a result of you not having kids, truly. The only reason you feel any guilt about it is social conditioning that dismisses the validity of that feeling.

    That being said, if you don’t want children, do not date someone who wants children. Period. No hoping anyone changes their mind. That is a recipe for disaster and heartache.

12. I am twice your age and I don’t like small children either, I never wanted my own. Babies especially drive me nuts. All that unwanted crying and fussing. It is 100 x worse than fingernails down a chalkboard. I can take my cousins kids in small doses. The older one is always on his table and the little one is always clinging to her mother. She hates me because once at a gathering she swung her leg up onto the coffee table without warning and tried to climb it when it was full of glasses. I put my arm in front of her and firmly said No. I could see her breaking all the glass and cutting herself to ribbons. She immediately started to bawl like I punched her and went to mum. My other cousin started laughing like I was being an ass. Her mother was looking at me to see what I would do so I just calmly said “I don’t care if you don’t like me, I ain’t scrubbing that blood out of the carpet”. Got a lot of laughs. I have been in a restaurant where kids are running about like demons. There was a small gap behind my chair and the wall, which the insisted on squeezing thru. I just shoved my chair back a few inches to block it. They ran up to me expecting me to move and I just said “Don’t Even Think About it”. Their parents complained to me that they were just kids, and I said they are not my problem and is never too soon to learn manners. A waitress came by and I asked loudly if it was managements policy to allow paying customers to be harassed by children. I didn’t not want to cut it injure myself or others when being charged at by some little monsters at the wrong time. It really passes me off when parents expect everyone to find their demons cute and interesting. No one else gives a crap. Teach rather manners or leave them at home

13. I knew I didn’t want kids from, well, ever. It did limit the dating pool, but it is what it is.

14. You’re fine. People are free to want or not want children but it is something that needs resolution prior to marriage.

15. I’m a 25 year old woman in IT, and I highly dislike children. I will not be having children because it would be a bad time for everyone involved. I’ll just hang out with my nieces/nephews/cousins when they’re old enough to not be annoying.

16. I read some of your comments and BIG hugs to you.

    I also felt VERY inferior to the men I dated. I was a dog walker, and I dated men who were wealthy and in positions of power. I felt like since they were so “out of my league”, I needed to be as silent and as little of a burden as possible.

    Let me tell you. Those men, I don’t care how much money they have or what their job is, ain’t worth shit. Their poop stinks just the same as ours. They are not better than us, and we deserve every bit of attention, respect, and value as they do.

    I guarantee, if you marry and have kids with a guy like that, you will see him fail in every way possible at home. They are not superior to us.

    As for kids – I hated kids until I hit 26 or so. Then I wanted them badly. But if you never want them, that is okay, too. You are not obligated to have children because a guy wants them.

    If I could do things over, I would get a solid pre-nup that acknowledges the career hit I will take, and have him deposit a large portion of his earnings into an account that only I have access to and ensure that he is contributing to a retirement account only I have access to. You have to protect yourself.

17. There is absolutely no need to have children. There are billions too many people on the planet already.

18. OK hun, I say this with an open honest heart. I’m you just with a decade or 3 of experience It is OK to not like/want children. It is OK to later decide that you do want children. You do not have a psychological problem – but if you’re worried about it chatting with a counselor you’re comfortable with is a good choice.

    I will say though there’s 3 pillars that you both need to agree on to have a chance at a successful relationship: Kid(s), Finances, and Religion. If you and he do not agree on the kid(s) please be up front with him that you’re not on the same page.

    I chose to never have children and that was the right choice for me. You need to sort out what is the right choice for you.

19. Kids are little people. People can be lovely or extremely unpleasant to deal with.

    It’s very normal to like some kids and despise others.

    Whatever happens, do not convince yourself to have kids to please someone else. Don’t tell your BF you ‘might’ want kids one day if it is not something that brings joy at the thought of it.

20. It’s normal not to want kids. It’s normal to not enjoy, or maybe even actively dislike, being around kids. You’re fine. But you do need to be honest with your boyfriend about what you’re thinking. If he wants a partner who’s actively excited about future parenting, you may have to let him go find that person.

21. There are many that feel this way. There is a childfree sub & fb groups. My friend told me that she didnt like other ppls kids but loved hers. Also keep in mind bi polar can run in families, so likely ur kids would have it.

22. Wow, are we the same person?

23. I’m 20 biologically female. I very much dislike children, people will say it’ll be different when I have my own kids. I deadpan look at them and say I plan on getting sterilized so that can’t happen.
    I hate children and don’t really care about other peoples opinions. When a child cries I don’t say “awww” or try to help it. I get the fuck out of there.
    Don’t like kids now, didn’t like them in the past, won’t ever like them.

24. WHAT!?? It’s 100% normal to not like kids or want them. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s actually a good thing for society not to pressure people to have kids they don’t want.

    Still, it’s unfair to your partner if you’re not upfront about that. You should tell him you don’t want kids and if it’s a deal breaker then you’ll be that much closer to being with a like-minded, child free partner.

    I know it’d hard, but stay strong.

25. > My boyfriend wants to get married and have children, but I’m not ready for that yet.

    This is not true. You do not want children. The way you write about it all does not even make me think you are on the fence or genuinely want them later.

    I just … do not see a single point where you would look like someone conflicted.

26. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Society has made us women feel like it is our purpose to bring children into this world or atleast desire to. Personally, I don’t know if, how and when I would want kids. Your life changes when you have kids and I don’t know if I want that change. I think my life could be very good without being a mother and instead being a fun aunt for example.

27. Dump your boyfriend. Life is extremely disappointing when someone wants kids but doesn’t have them. You shouldn’t have kids. That doesn’t make you a bad person.

28. I have never liked children. Ever… Even a little, but I wanted a family… Didn’t know how I was going to pull that off. Then I got pregnant. I still don’t think I like other people’s children but I love my son and now think kids are cute mostly because they make me think that someday he’ll be that age or doing that thing.