This girl ive been seeing for a little over a month has been great. We kiss alot and hold hands. Yesterday afternoon i made her food and brought it to her and she invited me into her place for the first time while she ate. Afterwards we were watching a movie and laying in her bed and about 30 min in i told her “hey come here” (not aggressively just a soft tone) and she got on top of me to make out. I grazed the end of her top alittle bit to see if she wanted to take it off and have sex and she said “no” and i said its okay we can still make out and we did. Even tho the rest of the time went well as we cuddled with each other for about another hour before we both had places to be, i feel a bit awkward like i overstepped a bit. Should i talk and ask her how she feels about sex and her boundaries? If its not something she’s up for i just wanted to let her know im okay with kissing and making out for now as i just want to enjoy spending time with her. Or should i let it go and wait for a moment to take over ?
4 comments
Yeah, you should talk to her about sex and her boundaries. It’s always a good idea prior to first time sex. Frankly, it should be mandatory. To just guess people’s boundaries can turn into a shitshow. To talk about it also makes the sex better.
No, don’t talk to her about it.
You’re doing well. You could bring it up with her, but chances are that she was just not yet ready. The two main reasons are that she was not attracted enough or that she didn’t trust you enough. Both will usually change as you spend more time with her. Aside from that, there can be dozens of other reasons: maybe she was on her period, maybe she needed to take a dump… It sounds stupid but there are so many little things that can make someone hesitate to become more intimate at a given time.
You shouldn’t bring it up because nothing dramatic has happened. You escalated carefully and backed off when she said no. No need to make a fuss about that. Just try again another day.
When I was dating, I handled it like this: When you end up making out in a place where sex is a possibility, say something like “If I do anything you don’t like, just say stop”. Telling her that saying stop is fine makes her relax because it let’s her know that you are in control of yourself and respect her boundaries. It also allows you to escalate confidently without having to ask for consent every step along the way. Of course, you should still observe her reactions and back off when you notice her feeling uncomfortable. But I take from your post that you’re already doing that.
TL;DR: You’re doing everything right, nothing dramatic has happened. Don’t turn it into drama, just make her feel safe.
She may be just various because of a previous encounter. While you are intimate gain her trust and make her feel safe by communicating you are all about consent. Later down the road maybe 3 months in I’d ask her how she feels about sex.
Lol there’s a good chance you won’t see her again