I’m 25f, my husband 26m, my BIL is 34m, his wife is 35f. We both happily married (BIL’s relationship: 8 y, my relationship: 6 y) and have little kids(1 to 3 year olds), and my husband treats me really well. I think my BIL is not that good husband material as my husband.
I dream about him almost every damn night for several months now, and I’m sexually attracted to him. He looks like his brother(my husband) but he is more mature and masculine. I don’t think that he feels anything for me, but he’s always very nice to me (he is not really nice to others, so it is a big deal).
I tried everything – think about the bad traits, do not think about him daytime(I cannot control my dreams), have sex with my husband and spend more time together. But nothing works. Why? I know I will go to hell.
TL;DR I have a crush on my husband’s older brother, what should I do? EDIT: what should I do to make the crush go?
6 comments
Honestly, you need to actually find what about him you are attracted to.
From the sounds of things, the fact he is not a nice person is actually part of this. There is a reason that for men, a power fantasy is being a ripped dude but for women, a power fantasy is having the bad guy actually be nice to you thus proving how *special* you are. And in a way, it makes sense that you would pick this guy to be attracted to; he’s like your husband but 8 years older and “edgier”.
You already know he isn’t a nice guy. Maybe he toes the line with you because you are your brother’s wife so this is less about you and more he’s respecting his brother, but either way, girl, you are too old to be falling for your brain pulling this sort of bullshit.
You have tried making him a smaller part of your life and it hasn’t worked. Mainly because you are missing something in your day to day, and your brain is using fantasies of him to patch the hole. So I’d recommend now trying the tactic of making him seem smaller in your life by making your life bigger.
Do you work? Time to gear up for a promotion, or new qualification. If you don’t, time to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling unfulfilled and would like to go back, at least part time, and see if he can adjust his hours or can you swing some daycare. Pick up a new hobby, learn a skill. Pick an ambition you have and start working to fulfill it. If you don’t have an ambition, pick one. Read romance novels. Hell, write romance novels.
Or, if none of these work, see a therapist. Crushes happen but they are not uncontrollable, so if yours is spiralling out of control, time to talk to a professional so you have guidance digging into why and how to fix it.
You can’t help having random dreams, but having the same one every night is generally a manifestation of what is going on in your actual life, your conscious, then there’s the bit where your thoughts are fixated on bil during the day & admitting you have a crush on him which sounds like some bored fantasizing on your part, you’re also obsessing on what’s in his mind & whether he thinks about you which, if acted on will cause untold hurt.
Not saying you’re going to act on it but you’re saying you try to block it out or think about other things but nothing works, here’s some scenarios to sober you up a bit.
If you trip up & entertain this fantasy by telling your bil, he could reject you & tell your husband, his brother.
He could say yeah I’ve got the hots for you too – & an affair ensues.
Now back to …”nothing works”
How about making a tally of how much you’re going to need to get a whole new household, & when you try to get mutual friends to understand what you were thinking, for the most part they’ll side with your husband because why wouldn’t they, then ponder on the pain you’re going to cause your respective spouses, worse, think about the conversations you’re going to have to have with both households children, & the anguish of them having to live a life of swapping homes every other week for the next 16 years.
Again, not saying you’re going to act on it but the whole tone of your post is screaming you’re thinking with what’s between your legs, not your brain, you know exactly what you’re entertaining & no good can come from it.
Adding to what has been said already, crushes happen rather on a very low level of your mind. A chemical level, if you will. That’s near impossible to “control”. Adding to the other posts, first step is forgiving yourself. There is nothing bad about dreams. If it itches very bad, buy a nice toy and let off some steam.
I am with the others here, that you can take this as hint to bring self-development on a next level.
You should do what’s best for your marriage and kids, duh.
>I don’t think that he feels anything for me, but he’s always very nice to me (he is not really nice to others, so it is a big deal).
I think this is what’s fuelling your crush.
It makes you feel special. Chosen. And you’re choosing to see it as *a big deal*.
It’s not. He’s not very nice to others or a very good husband.
The only thing he had going for him is that he’s nice to when he’s not nice to others.
Don’t blow up your world for petty validation.
The forbidden fruit always looks tempting, that’s all it is. Ull be fine and get over it eventually