What is the most complicated relationship you hold onto and why?

25 comments

  1. Probably the one with my mum. She was a great mum when I was a child, but in my teens/early adulthood she had a drinking problem that made her quire abusive. Aside from that, she’s always been quite a positive and supportive parent and has always been there for me. She hasn’t been drinking in a while, and she now my best friend, but her old self and her actions haunts me and have caused almost irreparable damage to my self image and self esteem.

  2. The one with my mom. Being that’s she’s my mom, I feel guilty for even feeling this way but she is just a toxic person in relationships unless you agree with and do everything she says.

  3. My sister. I’ve cut her out of my life a few times, but I have a history of going no contact with family (on my dad’s side, and for good reason) and then regretting it and beating myself up when they pass away. This has happened seven times now.

    And so I maintain contact with my sister, because I now understand myself enough to know that I would rather have at least minimal interaction that is toxic, than to feel that guilt again should anything happen to her.

  4. Probably the one with my mother. She’s the parent that didn’t abandon me and so I feel both a sense of loyalty and guilt that since she stayed and had me alone, her life hasn’t been the easiest. At the same time I resent her for it bc since she decided to keep my sister and I, it hasn’t been the easiest for all 3 of us as she had us at a younger age and took out her frustrations out on us. I feel this has made me rethink motherhood and has made question if I will be good at it. She did what was needed to put food on the table and a roof over us but missed the mark in so many other ways that impacted my personality for life.

  5. The relationship with my father. There are many things that he has done and is doing which I would not have tolerated had it not been for the sake of my mother.

  6. My uncle. He doesn’t support me in anything, always objects to everything that I say, do or think. He, his wife and his two brothers-in-law consistently bodyshame me.

    But… I can’t cut ties with him. He’s my mum’s brother and I know it puts her in an awkward position when I fight with him. Even if he can’t be the mature one to understand this much and stop bullying me, I can and I do ignore all his taunts. And he’s a funny guy, hard not to laugh at his jokes.

    So… I hold onto it.

  7. The one with my father. He’s become a bitter bitter old man in his older years and spends his days on Facebook posting anti-vax/conservative drivel. I used to think he was so smart but as I’ve gotten older I realize my dad has not grown as a human in 20+ years. I honestly cannot stand being around him as he has no redeeming qualities anymore but my mom would be heartbroken if I stopped visiting. I try to limit my visits to a day or two max now and pray they never move any closer to me.

  11. My mom.. she has an emotional and mental hold on me that I’m not too sure how or if it’s even possible to break.

  12. My brother, he’s my only sibling. He’s not always nice to me and I fear his temper still because he beat me up throughout childhood. Our parents sucked and we had very unusual experiences, moving constantly simply because mom wanted to. Our dad had a massive heart event when we were teenagers (way worse than a heart attack, which he also had) and then was in a coma and ICU for a while. My brother is the only one who knows what it was like to grow up in that household, so I try to keep things good. I still can’t relate to people my age, I’ve felt 50 since I was 17

  13. My self. Because if I can’t hold onto myself than how can I expect anyone else to?

  14. My relationship with my mother. She can be judgmental of everyone who loves her, is passive-aggressive and cannot accept that others feel “negative” emotions, like anger and depression. She tells people whatever others confide in her. I used to wonder how my stalker knew so much of my personal information, then realized my mother was telling her everything I talked about with her. Where I lived and worked; who I was dating; who my friends were. When I confronted my mother about it, she was angry with ME for being upset. “After all, she’s family.” I had a restraining order against the person at the time. You

  15. My dad. I know he would hate me and argue if he found out I disagreed with almost every single one of his political views, but I don’t want to lose him. I love parts of him, but hate others.

  17. I hold onto many complicated relationships—not necessarily by choice.

    The relationship with my parents is extremely complicated…well, because they are both dead now. It’s hard to talk to someone when they’re alive (trying to fix our relationships while they were still alive was almost more difficult so imagine the complex)

    Makes me really debate whether I should or shouldn’t attempt to mend current problems “before it’s too late”

  18. My family. Not a single one of them I feel like I can trust. I’m in my early 20s, with no kids. I live in the city while they live in a more southern rural area. They are always filled with drama and are always self sabotaging. All of them got pregnant or had gotten someone pregnant in their teen years. I thought they would grow out of being so prideful in their 20s, but now they are in their 30s and I can’t help but feel so guilty for not wanting anything to do with them. I am in a mixed family with 6 siblings. None of them give me an ounce of respect because I do not have kids. (I have a girlfriend and a cat.) I’m lucky I no longer live with my mother and if I wanted to see how its going I could just call and check up on them. But lately, I’ve been feeling less inclined to talk to them. My mother keeps asking me to come back home and it always makes me uncomfortable. We fight constantly because im worried about her health and her relationship with my dad. Shes always getting herself into drama and I wish she would just stop. Shes too old for this. My mother is in her late 50s. I cant just cut her off. I love my mama.

    But I wish I didn’t have to deal with them all the time. The whole point of me moving away from them was to break the cycle of abuse and stress they gave me. I moved very far away. Across the country even! I worked really hard and got an apartment. My roommate ended up becoming my girlfriend. It was a really hard 1st year without them, but I was proud I could do it by myself. For the first year I was a little nervous and didn’t contact my parents that much. But once the holidays rolled around, I had to visit. So contact with them resumed. And now my anxiety is through the roof.

    I am constantly a nervous wreck with their infighting. My sister stole this from other sister. My brother went back to his abusive girlfriend. My sister left her kids with my other sister and she’s pissed. Im tired and so stressed and burnt out. I don’t even want kids anymore. I’m always so fucking nervous all the time because of them. It’s like a war zone. The worst part of it is that they never learn! They just keep doing it over and over again. They are always so mean and competitive. My mom pivoting them against each other. I hate it so much.

    My girlfriend keeps telling me to set boundaries with them. And I’ve been meaning to do so, but I feel like my mother can’t take the stress anymore. Her brother died recently and so did her uncle.

    I just wish I had a normal relationship with my family. I wish I could just be stone cold and not talk to them anymore.

    But I can’t. I love them so much it hurts. I’m always worried about them and most nights I end up crying. I don’t have to do this, but weed helps me out with it. To not stress about it too much. I tell my girlfriend that they will change. That they will become better people. She also thinks so as well.

    But sometimes in the back of my mind, I’m afraid that they will never change. That they will always be backstabbing liars.

    But I will always love them. Til the day I die. I couldn’t stomach letting them go even if they couldn’t give two shits about me.

  20. Like most ladies here, there’s really only one that qualifies as FUBAR for me and that’s the mother/daughter relationship.

    Oi

  21. Older brother. He’s schizophrenic and part of it is an extreme delusion about treatment/doctors/medicine so he is just living with it. It’s so hard the way he sometimes treats me horrible but expects the next day for everything to be fine. He is recovering from some serious drug use that has contributed a bit to his mental state, he is financially unstable as well so in order to ensure he stays alive and off the streets I give cash gifts that I wish would be spent more responsibly.

    I love him so much, he was a beacon to me growing up, he helped me become the person I am today. His symptoms only got bad this last year and it has been heartbreaking. I can’t cut him off, besides my mom he has pretty much no one else.

  22. My grandma. She was really hard on me as a kid but then she lost my grandpa and my mom who was her best friend.

    We didn’t talk for a few years as her other kids were a bit abusive to me and I couldn’t stand seeing her ignore what they did to me.

    But after moving away from home after losing everyone in my family to cancer or heart disease besides her I got back in touch. It’s nice to have her to talk to now and I love her but the pain from the past makes it hard sometimes.

  23. My sister. We’re 2.5yrs apart. She judges me for my choices, interests and goals when we actually have a lot in common. She is annoyed by my child’s behavior (and I am sure she judges my parenting as well) when he’s literally just being a kid. She buys people’s affections, especially among younger relatives and children, and then gets mad when they use her like a vending machine and don’t create any emotional bond with her, even though she doesn’t initiate it either.

    We’ve both gone through difficulties in the past year and we became a little too dependent on each other for support and now that we’re both trying to move forward I realize she’s not a very supportive person in my life. She just uses me when she has nobody else and she’s only there for me when it’s convenient.

    We were super close as kids, had tension in our teens and as adults, can only think of a few situations where a fight has caused some separation but this is one of those times where we’re just too different and it feels forced now. Like I need to just accept that that’s just how it is and focus on my own friends without her.

  24. My dad. He’s mentally ill, in the early stages of dementia, is dying of COPD and is an abusive asshole.

    But my mom refuses to leave him and I love her too much to cut her off. I can’t have a relationship with her while keeping him cut off.

    So instead I just limit my contact with him and say very little when I’m around him. I focus on her and just keep my distance.

  25. I’ll go against the grain here and say my romantic partner.

    My friends are so eager to say it’s a trauma bond or toxic relationship, and honestly? I’m the toxic one. And this relationship has woken me up in my behavior that I got away with for so long. My last relationship, three years, well he never once complained. I could do no wrong, he put me on a pedestal. Until three years went by and it all came out. But I blamed him for holding it in and never reflected on the point I could control: my own behavior. I knew I was codependent but my god, the extent. The anxious attachment. The toxicity of my own actions as a result of these things. My partner reassures me and treats me with softness, but also points out the way I speak to him and it was hard for me to accept as a 26 y/o but it’s about time I did.

    So I’m working on appreciating my partner because I want him, not because I need him. And vise versa. Im working on reassuring myself and self soothing myself so it’s not 100% on his shoulders nor my friends. I’ve accepted that for a couple years I’ve avoided feeling emotions by putting it on everyone else in my life. My friends deal with a three hour long call, one sided. My partner though? Constant emotion rollercoaster.

    Sure, he plays a part in that. But since I’ve owned up to my actions, it’s given him the safe space to provide what a partner is meant to provide.

    But sometimes it’s extremely hard to stay in the relationship and work on my toxic patterns. It’s so much easier to cut and run, but I know that behavior would just be waiting for me in the next relationship because it only seems to come up in romantic connections.

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