I feel I have this mission in life to make other people see the right way or in other words my way.
I have a serious ego problem and I’m seeing that now. Like this self righteous curse. Its so bad I allow myself to get extremely upset over people I can’t control.
I could say, okay just let go of your self righteous ways. But what if thats the only purpose I feel I have in life? That I feel like an absolute failure if I didn’t try in some way to change people’s minds towards my values and beliefs.
I feel empty and worthless if I don’t fight for what I presume to be right in someway. Even if its just defending my self, standing my ground, I have a hard time backing down, to the point its put me in clearly unsafe situations sometimes.
I cannot allow myself to conform to people’s norms what so ever. I believe I’ve become insufferable because of it. For instance, one thing thats always bothered the living shit out of me is when people conform to a shitty person, usually a popular bully, and they’ll actually try to seek their acceptance to avoid being outcasted, to feel included, or safe. I know its tribalism human nature but I cannot for the life of me conform to this persons bs for social protection. I’ve been this way all my life. So of course I become a bullied outcast.
If you couldn’t tell already, I’m a complete misanthrope. I’m miserable. I’m having a hard time liking any one outside of my bf and my dog.
I desperately want to change. Although I feel like such a disappointment if I was to cower to these people, or to this system. Its been weighing me down for years, even more as I get older. Like the thought of standing there and doing nothing to stick up for whats right and challenge the system in a positive way kills me. I look down on people who just walk away from tough situations but that’s exactly what I’m doing when I avoid triggers because I can barely stand to be around people so I’m a complete cowardly hypocrite at the end of the day.
Also I want to mention. I’m in no way arguing that my way is truly the right way. I’m not here to argue that. Of course, outside of this post, depending upon the issue, I do believe I’ve correct. However I’m not here to argue for my beliefs. I’m struggling with my ego being attached to my beliefs and I don’t know how to change without feeling completely empty and suicidal.
4 comments
do you think you may be autistic? no shade with the question, I ask because I’m autistic and I struggled like this when I was younger
I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple years ago, its helped me big time to change my self righteous frustration
I can completely relate to you. I’m very much this way as well. It’s tough. I also have no friends, might be for a reason, I guess.
Maybe I’m not really understanding the core issue but here’s some stuff to think about:
1) what makes you think you’re right about stuff? We all feel like we’re right about everything we know, but many people are wrong about a lot of things. What makes you think you’re above this? If youve spent an inordordinate amount of time studying something at a professional level then I can understand feeling like you’re absolutely right about that thing, but if not?
2) what makes you think the experts you get your opinions from are right? There are experts on either sides of debates. How did you know which ones were right?
3) do you not realize how hard it is to change someone’s mind on something? It’s almost impossible. When was the last time someone on the street or on the internet changed your mind about something? Even a friend? It doesn’t happen. Why do you wanna waste all your time and energy on this?
4) a lot of things don’t really have a right or wrong answer. Anytime I do a deep dive on a hot topic, I dive into both sides of the argument and I almost always come out thinking “wow, that was alot more complex than I thought, and it seems there isn’t an easy answer to this”
In my life I’ve gone from thinking I knew everything and had life completely figured out (my 20s) to realizing I didn’t know crap all and to be more open minded and tolerant of different opinions and ideas (my 30s)
Maybe it was instilled in you by your training at youth
Whomever you valued most your mentor
This was their way now your way
It may help when parenting or teaching any skill to another