It sounds nuts, but hear me out. I’ve been with my gf for several years. We have a pretty great relationship in general. We have our problems, like most couples, but I’d say in general we are both happy with things, considering engagement and marriage in the near (1-2 years) future. I guess maybe because of this I am starting to think of things which I tolerated before in a new light. We are interracial, I am from a South Asian country and my partner is white.
One thing which has been on my mind lately is that she doesn’t really seem to engage with anything related to my ethnicity, from movies to cuisine to language. I don’t expect her to learn to speak fluently or anything, but I wish she would be more enthusiastic about wanting to learn basic greetings. She doesn’t like movies from my country (think Bollywood) at all and won’t even sit through one. The incident which really made me reflect though was when she came to visit my family and refused to eat anything. She was initially worried about how spicy it would be, but I told my grandma ahead of time and they made sure to prepare mild, inoffensive dishes. She stayed for 3 days and made PB&Js or we had takeout.
I am proud of my ethnicity and it is a big part of my identity. We met at work, which is a white collar professional field that is dominated by white people. I don’t get to talk about or show my ethnic identity much in this environment. Independent of this relationship, I have worries about how I will be able to show my future children the ethnic heritage they are inheriting from me. If I stay with her, I am worried it will be even harder and that makes me sad. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable. I’ve been proud of being in an interracial relationship — it took a lot for me to break norms and introduce her to my family — and tolerate the stares from people in our conservative town. But I suppose now I am confronting why interracial relationships can be challenging.
I really just wanted to vent, but if anyone has any advice about navigating this, I would love to hear it. Thank you.
tl;dr: girlfriend doesn’t engage with my culture, second-guessing our future
5 comments
the fact that she doesn’t take interest in even learning basic greetings (to be able to greet your family, and show that she is trying or at least cares), and that her mind is closed off to some of the things that make you, you, is very telling. a partner who is really engaged will at least want to attempt to explore those things that are so important to your identity. it doesn’t mean this is damning on the relationship or that she is a bad partner, but it is worth asking and having a conversation about. is she closed minded about a lot of other things too, or a picky eater in general? i, for one, would be very excited to try authentic cuisine of any heritage, especially if made by lifelong preparers of that dish. and if it were my partner, i couldn’t look myself in the mirror if i didn’t at least attempt to like those things that their family had prepared for me.
Imo, this has much less to do with food and more to do with her openness to experience. It’s not that she “didn’t like” your family’s cooking, it’s that she refused to even try it. It’s not that she “doesn’t like” your culture, it’s that she has yet to give it a fair shot. Have you spoken with her about this yet? Have you outright told her that your culture and your ethnic identity are important to you? That it bothers you when she turns down opportunities to learn about it or experience it? That it matters, quite a lot actually, if she takes the time to learn a phrase or two?Because you’re already at “IF I stay with her”. Which tells me that you’re already in a place where you’re reconsidering how committed you want to be to this relationship. Maybe you want to clue her in to the fact that she’s losing you, and this is why.
This has nothing to do with being interracial and everything to do with her being weird and rude about it. She refused to try any of your food…? She doesn’t like anything about your culture? Like, that’s personal, that’s YOUR culture, and your kids’ culture. I’d have a big serious convo about this if I were you. Its one thing to have food aversions or preferences but it’s quite another to pretend nothing about your culture is important for her to engage in
So your gf is very closed off to experience? Notlearning basic greetings, if you’re in a bi-lingual (not to mention bi-cultural) family is astonishingly rude. I have a friend who married into another culture and she is now fluent in the entire language. Won’t watch any Bollywood? Bollywood is as big and varied as the Marvel series. I’m sure she’d what Spidermand or whatever.
Wait, you’ve been with her for several years and you’ve never had your ethnic food together before? Like never? WTF.