My boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) have been dating for about a year. Recently he told me that his family has been encouraging him to cheat on me for the past 6 months and his dad would make comments that he’s hooked onto me because I’m “the first p****” he’s ever had and he should get more. My boyfriend has never defended me and I feel so degraded and disgusted. I have gone out with his family, been to their house and they have still been saying this. I don’t want to ruin my boyfriends relationship with his family but I do not want to see them or have a relationship with them. My boyfriend said I should act like everything is normal with them.
27 comments
The fact he’s not standing up to them, or for you and your relationship, makes me think that his family are used to pushing him around and he’s quite likely to listen to them. You need to have it out with him.
I would not associate with his family. Let him go visit. You go no contact with them.
That is a clear cut sign to fuck right off IMO.
Its not overly rare for a SO to have conflicts with their spouses family… However, it is the person whose family it is responsibility, to iron out the issues.
You shouldn’t be expected to deal with this crap, your BF should be taking it upon himself to make you feel comfortable with his family.
Instead, you’re getting the:
>It’s fine, just ignore it. Suck it up and deal with it.
That would be disapointing to hear from my partner.
I would not be investing in someone who cannot defend my name to their family when the family is the problem.
I think its worth addressing with a more serious tone with your bf.
1. He should *not* be relaying these conversations back to you. He should be standing up for you and telling them to stop speaking to him like that. He is telling you about this to make you feel unsettled and insecure.
2. I bet these supposed conversations aren’t even happening and he is making it up to – again – make you feel insecure and unsettled. It’s just another form of negging. That’s why he doesn’t want you bringing it up with them and to just ‘act normal’. (Which frankly, is pretty insane in itself. “Yeah, I know my family is constantly telling me to betray you and go fuck other women behind your back but I *insist* you join us for Sunday dinner and act ‘normal’.” Who would expect you to do that?? To just swallow that bullshit?? An unhealthy partner, that’s who.) If you bring it up to them, you’ll expose his lies.
3. These are things that *he* thinks and feels, not his family. That he should be able to go have more sexual experiences. He’s approaching it this way in hopes of breaking you down enough that you’ll allow him to fuck other women while still keeping you handy and available.
This relationship is dead in the water. Even if I’m wrong about everything, he still thinks you should sit at the dinner table with these people and he still relays these incredibly hurtful and useless conversations to you. I’m betting this isn’t the first or only instance of him chipping away at your self-worth, self-esteem and value as a human being.
Read justnomil and milfromhell if that’s what you want for your future, continue on, otherwise leave him, do him a favor by teaching him a woman isn’t going to take that abuse.
I’d go over to their house and pretend everything is normal…for a while. Then as if you were talking about the weather, say “You’ll all be glad to we’ve decided that <BF> should cheat on me because I’m the only pussy he’s ever had and I’m -so- happy about that.-! He’s so bad in bed and I’m so tired of teaching him! He really needs the practice. <Mother’s name, Father’s name? which of you told him that?
That’s him telling you he’s going to cheat or is cheating. They are getting another version of the story and telling them to act normal too. No normal partner would share this with you without being in conflict with their family and defending your relationship.
>My boyfriend has never defended me
That’s really all the information I needed. Break up with him. This is only going to get worse. Imagine having people like that as your in-laws!
So when are you getting the word “doormat” tattooed on your forehead?
OP – cut your losses. If he isn’t willing to defend you and his family is that disgusting it won’t improve. They will continue being abhorrent. Find yourself someone who will have your back.
His family is pretty sick. If you stay with him, just remember that these people become your in-laws and you’ll have to deal with them. As much as you may love him, do you want to be stuck with them?
GTFO, honey.
His family is trash, and if your BF isn’t mortified and ashamed, he’s not that much better.
You would NOT want that family as in-laws. I promise you.
Nope. Trust me, if he won’t stand up for you now he never will. Dodge the bullet and get far away from this guy and his family.
You should tell him that based on how he treats you in this situation, they are right. He clearly needs to see other women in order to learn how valuable you are. Then, break up with him immediately after. Tell him he is now free to go do what he needs to.
You have a bf problem. Why do you want to be with a man who doesn’t stand up for you or for himself?
Do you really want a life where you have to ignore your partner’s family? Where you resent them? What does a future look like with that? What if you have kids? Do you want them around people like that?
Run away from this whole dumpster fire.
If he’s not defending you, leave. It ain’t worth the hassle. He ain’t worth the hassle.
Either he’s making up trash, or his family is trash and he doesn’t defend you, making him trash. What do we do with trash? We bin it. It goes off to the dump. We don’t think about trash once we get rid of it. Treat him like the trash he is. Dump him and don’t look back. Move on.
Can you imagine the hell you will go through if you marry him or have kids with him? Heartbreak will take less time if you dump him and his shit family now.
He wants you to act normal around his dad who talks about your genitals!?! Is he serious?
Honestly – this is an insight into your future. He won’t stand up for you, he won’t make his parents treating you awfully, and he wants you to just sit there and take it an pretend they’re doing nothing? He won’t magically start doing those things years from now.
I think it’s enough to breakup with someone because their dad talks about your genitals and your partner sees nothing wrong with it. But if you won’t jump to that – you need to stick to not seeing them until they apologize for what they’ve said and if they do that if he doesn’t shut shut down and stand up for you if they do it again you’re done.
You now know you have wasted a year on him – don’t waste another year. You are 29 – your best years are in front of you. Don’t waste them on him
He is right. You should act how you normally do with terrible people. Never see them again. Boyfriend included. He is spineless.
They are clearly concerned about him settling for his first girlfriend because of his lack of sexual experience. Thats not telling him to cheat, by the sound of things they are just warning him not to jump in too quick and date other people before settling down.
His Dad is maybe being crude about it but , but its about a parent being concerned for their son who was a virgin till he was 29 marrying the first girl he has sex with….YOU.
They are right to be worried and they are entitled to give him advice privately.
I’d be more concerned that your boyfriend is telling you this because he’s begining to agree.
Its not about you , there is no reason to feel degraded or disgusted. They are just looking out for their son.
The fact you can’t understand their concern and think its all about you makes me wonder if they have a point.
You deserve better.
I see 2 real possibilities here:
1) your bf’s family is disrespecting you and your relationship. He’s unwilling to defend you, and wants you to not defend yourself either. A miserable situation which I’d walk away from.
Or
2) your bf is making things up for who knows what reason. To make you feel insecure? To cause drama between you and his family? To set it up so they dislike you for “standoffish” behaviour? Whatever it is, is it’s this option then you’ve got a bf who’s being pointlessly manipulative. A miserable situation which I’d walk away from.
He. Never. Defended. You.
Let that sink in.
This is not normal and you need to go find a better boyfriend.
How can you act like everything is normal with his family when clearly they aren’t normal.
It isn’t normal to encourage a person to cheat. That says a lot for their moral compass or lack of.
Your BF’s father sounds like a boofhead. I wouldn’t want to spend any time in his company.
Low class families exist, BUT the biggest problem here is your boyfriend; not only for not having the grit to shut his families gross stuff down, but also running to you every time it happens, holding back no details.
As a matter of fact, it makes me question if they are actually doing this or if your bf is telling tall tales. How do you know for a fact they are saying this?
Lastly, if he won’t defend you and his relationship to his family, you might want to consider what a future with a man like this is going to look like. Either they do it, he lets them and for some bizarre reason likes to upset you about it, or they don’t do it, but he lies because he gets some kind of cheap thrill upsetting you. Either way, not a good look for him or relationship material.