I Want People To Feel Bad For Me

So, this is going to sound extremely weird and kind of confusing, but, this is just, something I have to get off of my chest and see if anyone relates.

I hate getting attention, I hate confrontation, especially if something is my fault, but whenever something that happens, and it doesn’t go my way, my immediate interaction is to make the people around me, feel bad for me, and it’s been like that for years. I don’t know when and how it started, but I remember doing it since the 1st grade. And to make it worse, I just keep on egging on the lie, and I don’t know why. I really want to stop but I can’t. And every relationship I have, I think I restrained and, not ruined, but something close to it because of this.

The 1st memory I have of it was in the 1st grade. My mom bought me this headband thing to wear to school so when we went to recess in the winter, I wouldn’t get sick. My friend took the headband from me and threw it to another one because we were playing some superhero game and I think I was the villain or it was the other way around. So, I didn’t know what else to do because they weren’t giving it back to me so I started to break out crying and started telling them that it was my moms, and that my grandmother gave it to her and she pretty much said that if I ruined it, I would be in a lot of trouble, so then they gave it back, but I still kept going with it, and I started crying because it fell on the mulch in the playground, and I dramatically ran away from them and dropped to my knees in the field.
There was another time where I was biking with these 2 girls in my neighborhood, and I let them borrow this bag. One of the girls got the bag stuck in the wheel and I saw it, and I went into distress mode. I started yelling at her and told her that my aunt got it for me and she was going into surgery with a chance of passing, and she started apologizing and I was yelling, I grabbed the bag and ran away and I didn’t talk to them for like a week.

I think, the worst story of this, was the time I went on my 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. The Wizard of Oz is very important to my mom’s side of the family and the Smithsonian museum had the original ruby slippers so I was convinced I had to see them. We were only given 45 minutes at the museum and we were told that we also had to eat there, so I told myself, I must go and see them. My friends wanted to go and eat and I wasn’t walking around alone, so, I started telling them that I needed to get a picture for my mom because my grandmother had just passed (my grandmother actually did pass away, I’m not that fucked), so, pretty much I sat in front of them and I cried about it. I felt so bad because on this trip I had cried multiple times to my friends, and I had convinced another one of my friends to abandon the others to go and see a pair of fucking shoes.

I really don’t know why, I don’t know why I do this and what caused me to do this, but, I do it all the time and I just want to stop but I can’t. I’ve been thinking about going to therapy to talk about it, but, I honestly am too scared to open up to people about life in general and I am scared that I’ll start doing the same thing to the therapist, like making up fake stories to make them feel bad for me. I don’t know, is anyone else out there that can relate to this because I feel alone with this, and I don’t want to talk about this with people in my personal life.