tldr: bf and I are 23, been together 2.5 years. i’m thinking of ending our relationship as i’m having a bad time mentally and dont know how to deal with it.
We live in the same city but an hour away from eachother, if you know my city you know how unreliable the trains are. rn i havent seen him in almost a month (he had covid for a bit, and then i was on a trip with a friend) it feels like doing long distance again tbh, but we still have about 6 months of our tenancies left
I’m in a weird place right now, a lot of anxiety, a slight relapse into my ED (i’m sorting it out), anxiety has been increasing again. Also this constant feeling of loneliness even though I have friends who i see and live with four housemates. last night i facetimed him and started having a bad panic attack and idk why, my first panic attack in over a year.
I don’t know how to navigate this while also maintain a relationship. he kept saying that even though he didnt know what i was dealing with, he wants to be there for me and go through it with me. but he needs me to start being more open, he suspects my ED relapse but I haven’t admitted it to him yet.
I’ve been thinking of breaking up with him so I can fully work on myself and sort out what I’m dealing with but I’m scared I’ll regret it. But it’s also not fair to make him wait around until my head gets sorted out, neither of us believe in ‘breaks’ either.
He’s a really wonderful person, as cringe as it is I havent met anyone else like him and I don’t want anyone else, I just don’t know how to manage what I’m dealing with, while also being in a relationship. I hate feeling vulnerable, I think due to opening up to people in the past who’ve then used it against me.
Before anyone suggests therapy – i cannot afford it. love it, done it before and would 100% do it now if i didn’t have extortionate rent to pay.
People who’ve been in my position or similar, what did you do and how did it go?
2 comments
i’ll just say this, as it’s some of the best advice i’ve ever gotten and it came to me from the person i love most in the world: “the best thing you can do for me, is to work on yourself”
I guess I would think about what you feel you can gain from that time and space alone. Will this time be valuable and in what ways? What can you do with that time and space? How will it provide support? If you feel like it will help you focus on your mental health, with tangible examples, then it is ultimately the most important thing and you should consider breaking up.
I do think that talking with your partner could be a great idea because they seem very supportive and open with you. They seem to genuinely want to know how you are doing and care about your well-being. Perhaps they are willing to give you more space or support you in ways you need.
If you are genuinely happy in the relationship and the mental health problems aren’t stemming from it, I would talk with your partner first, to let them know how you’re feeling.
I have been in this same position, and, from my experience, I essentially shut down and was overwhelmed by any sense of obligation in my life because I needed to work on me and focus on my terrible mental health. I discussed with my partner because I was genuinely happy with our relationship and felt shitty about breaking up as my only solution. They were very supportive of how I felt and willing to give me space and support me through the process. For me, I jumped to a breakup as my solution because it was the biggest sense of obligation I had in my life that I had power to get rid of quickly in order to focus on me.
I ultimately realized I wasn’t going to do anything with that time specifically different from what I may do with a partner. This is all coming from a space of being genuinely happy in a relationship and having a supportive partner.
If you have any feelings of unhappiness in the relationship and truly feel that being together is not healthy or is preventing you from focusing on your mental health, then it makes sense to break up and focus on you.
I’m sorry your mental health is struggling. Therapy is truly expensive, even with insurance it still costs money. I absolutely understand! Also not the only solution. My other advice would be to talk with a trusted friend or family member, if possible. OP, you’re doing the right thing by seeking ways to improve your quality of life. I wish you the best!