Our situation is a little odd. It’s been 2 no-contact months since the breakup so I’m through most of the emotional extremes.
He dumped me in his car, but later said that he felt I had convinced him to do it. We were essentially discussing what an ideal relationship should look like, and I said that your partner should always be your best friend. I also told him that it would be possible to find someone who is like your other half, who agrees with you on everything. After some discussion, he said admitted he sometimes did enjoy hanging out with friends more than me. He also said he often felt I deserved more, and I heard from both my exes that they felt “they weren’t enough”. I know my greatest weakness can be that I’m a perfectionist. I uphold others to the same high standards I hold myself, but I didn’t realize how detrimental it would be until fairly recently. He was always enough to me. In fact, we often agreed that our relationship was like magic. We stood up for each other and supported each other. Physically, we were compatible. We could never stay mad at each other, even when we were having this conversation in his car. Time spent together was surreal. Friends would always say that they never saw two people more destined to be together.
Based mostly on the above reasons, he dumped me. I was wrongly under the assumption that I initiated a simple conversation, so I was blindsided by this.
After some time, I realized I was misguided. You partner can’t be your everything and it wasn’t right for me to expect him to cover all the bases- to be my best friend, my therapist, to be fun all the time… and I couldn’t do the same for him. Our “best friend” is a network of people who love us: our friends, our families, and our romantic partner. I also realized I should have done more to make him realize he was enough. I think I often brought up the concept of ending the relationship to quell my fears of it happening, but it ended up being detrimental to both of us. I also don’t think it’s possible to find someone who agrees with you on everything. A successful relationship is just 2 flawed people who choose each other.
Tomorrow, we’re going to talk about it. I told him beforehand that if I don’t agree with the reasons for the breakup, and that if he feels content in his decision, we should leave things be. I don’t think I will suggest getting back together right away, but I do want to open up the possibility of working our way back together. This time, I will never bring up the idea of breaking up and I most certainly will make an effort not to nitpick the little things. If a problem is worth discussing, we will discuss it in person. No more 12 AM text conversations that stress us both out.
It’s really easy for me to overthink things, but I think this boy is worth fighting for.
TL;DR: I think I messed up and pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me.
3 comments
I think you should let it go. Have the conversation if you must for closure but honestly, let it go. Work on yourself, learning to lean on your self and professionals more than those in your social circle.
If it’s been two months, you’re both probably starting to get over it. If you’re convinced you should talk to him, go for it and see if he feels the same. I think it’s very wise of you to realize that your partner does not have to be your everything. It is important to maintain relationships with family and friends, because they all fill different niches in our lives. Romance is but a single piece of a rich emotional and social world. You are allowed to have a best friend and a lover, they can be the same person, or not. I think it is unlikely and unhealthy to rely on a single person to satisfy all of your emotional needs.
You are young and have lots of time to meet people. It would be fine to leave this relationship in the past and take the lessons you’ve learned to make your future relationships better. But you seem to think it’s worth fighting for this person in particular — you know yourself and this boy the best, so I suppose it’s worth trusting your instincts.
Being a perfectionist is a nightmare (I know because I am a recovering one) and a nightmare to be with (I know because I divorced one).
I think you need to be alone right now, and work with your therapist on how to live life that’s good enough. In the long run, it will make your life a million times more amazing and your relationships with others much more fulfilling. And a million times less stressful.
And also, your relationship didn’t end because of this one conversation. There were other things leading up to it. and I think your ex just didn’t know how to express it. Relationships that feel like magic haven’t gone through a stress test. And sometimes they just weren’t meant to be.