Resentful and frustrated

Why does he get to do whatever he wants?

December of 2021 he decided to quit his job for a break, he wanted to sell his collectables, clean out a spare room of ours and have the free time to do all the things he never had a chance to do. 3 months of time to focus on these tasks, he claimed, 6 max. He said he’d do household tasks I’ve been wanting for a decade…so I agreed. They’d never get done otherwise, we could afford to get by on my salary, seems to benefit everyone to have someone at home taking care of this stuff. We’re in our mid to late 30s, he needs some time…I didn’t mind.

Now, this in itself didn’t bother me, cause him working can be hard too…not having him in a job makes me feel like I don’t HAVE to do everything or be resented and have him bitter with me when I drop a few tasks. He’s always been the cook of the house and despite it near often being the ONLY thing he did, he would still hold it over my head if I failed to get laundry or cleaning done fully (despite working full time). It was somehow still my responsibility to do everything else and if I didn’t do tasks timely (like fold clean laundry I’d washed) he would give me silent treatment or withhold whatever he felt justified in at the time: meals, drop forms of acknowledgement or little signs of care (small things like making me toast in the morning or a forehead kiss for example), he’d put long boring movies on the TV so I couldn’t play a game after work. He’d patronise and infantise me, reduce me to a child who had to complete my chores before leisure. He finished work 2-3 hours before me everyday and would be found sitting on his ass, scrolling his phone until I returned but I wasn’t allowed the same after an hour plus commute. Me being the breadwinner gave me a sense of purpose, I finally was useful, an adult again and could hold power rather than be reduced to nothing because I didn’t fold his underwear after a 8 hour day of work.

However, he’s been unemployed to this day, the tasks he said he’d do for me were either never done or partially done. The house is a wreck 24/7. The spare room is still full. He spends most of his time on leisure projects, most costing me hundreds of dollars at a time. The past 17 months have been hyper focus after hyper focus, fun task after fun task. It wasn’t until now he started pursuing education options to go back to school and learn a new trade. Which implies 1-2, maybe 3 years more of time where he will be going to school full time, having fun doing a new thing at his leisure. He got to spend time finding out what he enjoys the most after months and months of successfully trying out gardening, running his eBay store for collectables (ONLY when he needed a little bit of cash), going on bike rides, buying organic groceries on my dime, experimenting with cooking techniques with new expensive equipment like canning foods and pressure cooking, going on camping trips with his friends and scrolling reddit.

While he has done a lot of things to benefit the both of us, like growing vegetables, cleaning out the backyard, laundry, dishes (dishwasher)…things have started to fall to a standard that is making me twitch.

The majority of the household obligations are still on my shoulders, things like the floors, surfaces, bathroom (including toilet) and basic cleanliness are still mine. He does not touch these tasks for the most part. The house is usually in a shambles, as I have been too exhausted mentally and physically to take much of it on. If he has friends over, I find myself having to clean up as he doesn’t clean the toilet or make anything presentable. Our walls are covered in mildrew and mold from the humidity in the house, this needs to be scrubbed off. It never is unless I deal with it.

I still have to prompt him to refill the dogs water, (even when he refills the kibble right next to it) give him worming meds, do his nail trims, vet trips, despite him spending full days with the dog. He is never walked unless I specifically tell him to. He forgets tasks, and if he does a something to a standard I am not happy with and I ask him to not do the task anymore so I can take care of it…he continues to do it anyway to that same level. For example, he has been doing my laundry despite my repeated requests for him NOT to. He mixes loads (knits, casual, towels, delicates) doesn’t use laundry sanitiser, overloads the machine, leaves clothes out on the line in rainstorms or outside for days on end (and insists rain is clean) and leaves clothes sitting in the washing machine overnight until they are mildewy and doesn’t rewash them. If he does bring clothes inside, he folds them up while they’re still wet and claims he didn’t realise. If I plead with him to leave my clothes alone, he simply does it again. He refuses to listen.

He started using eco dishwasher detergent (eco EVERYTHING) that doesn’t clean the dishes, so all of them come out with food stuck to them (big chunks of unmistakable food). I find myself having to hand wash cutlery before its washed in the dishwasher. If I don’t, he proceeds to grab the cutlery out of the machine and put it, food chunks and all, into the drawers for use. Every. Single. Time. He doesn’t check despite my having to pick all of them out later and show him.

When he cooks, he makes foods I don’t enjoy and acts up if I don’t eat it. He’ll undercook Chickpeas and Lentils, and get angry when I don’t eat them. He cooks foods with too much spice, chilli when I say I have reflux and can’t eat hot foods. I spent a fortune on all of the beautiful containers and bulk spices he wanted while optimising our pantry…and I don’t even really enjoy any of them. I like flavour, but I definitely would prefer simpler foods every now and then. Everything now has smoked paprika, cumin and curry spices in it, flavours I struggle with. He’s focused on a vegetarian plan for budgetary reasons, despite me saying I can pay for meat, we just don’t eat it, near to ever. Unless we have guests. My health is declining and I have to supplement for Iron, Vitamin D and B12. Even my favourite foods are now spicy when they typically aren’t meant to be. If I say I can’t have one of his custom spice mixes, he uses it over again and then says he is “learning” He used to be a fantastic cook but now I have a sense of dread when I see certain meals. Even spaghetti bolognaise has chilli burn now.

We can’t communicate, ever, if I express these concerns he just. doesn’t. listen. He takes nothing I say on board. If I message him requests, he reads half of them. I ask for a specific product to be bought, he reads a key word and buys the wrong one.

He spends any time I talk to him fixated on his phone, scrolling reddit. I have to ask repeatedly if he is listening. He isn’t. Then it’s my problem when he does the opposite of what I asked.

Part of me wonders if I am too picky, but another huge part thinks its absolutely ridiculous to put food in the cutlery drawer, and to have clothes that smell like wet dog. To still have to clean the toilet and bathroom, floors and surfaces after a day of work cause HE is having a friend over.

I am tired. Mentally and physically. I don’t understand why he gets to do whatever he wants, be free to find himself, and I have to work for everything and still not be enough. If I did this to him he’d never forgive me, but somehow I am still failing. I was out of work for 2 months in 2020 and I cleaned the house so religiously I ran out of things to do. I was cleaning the already clean toilet daily.

It’s not even weaponsised incompetence, because he continues to do the tasks even if I ask him not to.

tl;dr: just a vent about how he gets to live however he wants and I am jealous.