My FIL fully retired last year and we’ve come to realize he cannot continue afford the property tax on his home much longer, or address the increasingly urgent needs for repair.
We are currently house hunting in another state and suggested he sell his home to fund his retirement and he can live with us rent/utility free as long as he pays his personal expenses and arranges for his funeral while he is still living. My FIL disliked the suggestion because it has been his intent to leave his sons an inheritance and his house is the remaining asset that can serve as one. He also does not want to leave his community, which is understandable.
He has suggested we can take over my husband’s childhood home and finance the renovations with the money we intended to buy a home with. He said we could buy my husband’s brothers out, I had assumed he meant upon his passing, so I said I thought it was important the brothers sit down and hash out exact details on that to prevent any difficulties or bad blood during a stressful time. However, my FIL made it clear he expects us to pay out my husband’s brothers 3/4th’s of the home’s market value as soon as we can afford to after moving in.
I’m very taken aback. I see this as essentially subsidizing an inheritance my FIL can’t actually afford all for the privilege of paying his taxes and repairing his home. As his health fails we would also default to being his primary caretakers, just due to sheer proximity.
Matters were further complicated when one of his brothers was roped into the discussion and expressed that he thought the two remaining brothers who had their college tuition paid for by the father are entitled to a smaller share of the home as he and my husband paid for their education independently. He agrees with us any amount paid out should be agreed upon now but only happen after his father’s passing. FIL is insistent the inheritance is premature, though he gives no reasoning.
All of this and we have still have no idea exactly how much money this house will require to repair. There is visible water damage on two levels and the roof and windows will need to be replaced at a minimum.
As far as I can see it there are just too many downsides and potential for bad blood. I think we should say we’ve made our offer for him to live with us and if he chooses to decline it, so be it. My husband is torn because while he sees all the potential pitfalls he is also attached to his childhood home. He thinks it can all be hashed out but I just have this sense that his father’s expectations won’t suddenly right even though I can’t exactly think of another scenario that could present if the brothers actually do come to a mutually beneficial understanding regarding the house.
I’m curious for an outsider’s perspective? I understand my husband wants to provide these dignities to his father but I think this is an extraordinary measure to go to and our first offer is generous enough. If his FIL is responsible with the money from the house he can leave his son’s the inheritance he desires. Should I hold my ground?
TL;DR: FIL wants us to move in and give his other son’s their inheritance before he passes, the situation is entirely too messy. Is it even worth trying to figure out or should we stick to offering him a place to live as his financial difficulties mount?
16 comments
The title should say “pay out inheritance”, my apologies
Deal in facts. Get detailed estimates for the repairs, have the home appraised and make a decision with all interested parties using actual hard data rather than allowing speculation to cloud your judgement.
Frankly I think this is a terrible idea on its face and would handle it by staying way the hell away from it. I’d hit FIL with “they’re your assets, you handle and distribute them as you see fit. If I get nothing, so be it.” Because involving yourself in anybody else’s finances is stupid, and because there is no way to avoid drama when mixing family and money. If leave it as, you made the offer you felt comfortable making, he declined. The end.
This is a terrible idea and you know it. It’s just hard to face the emotional fall out of not agreeing with his scheme. thank heavens one brother has a sense of equity. To be honest, no matter what you decide, the brothers should get together and pay for an appraisal and estimate for repairs, just so any plans are in the realm of facts instead of dreams.
One of my SILs did that for her father and it turned out that the house wasn’t worth the cost of the significant repairs.
Don’t do it.
You’re right. Entirely too messy. Especially since FIL is not taking charge of the situation at all, and instead is letting this whinging about tution enter the picture.
Let FIL decide what to leave his children and how to handle his assets. Do not live in that house.
Be sensitive to your husband’s desire to make peace and find a workable solution, but be a realist: This is a bad deal for you and him in a dozen different ways. Not just the financial burden, but the huge burden or emotional and real labor and negotiations. The brothers are already showing signs of not being able to engage in good faith. Don’t take it.
You made a good offer with clear boundaries. If FIL doesn’t want to take it, then he needs to sell or at least rent the place now himself, in order to fund his retirement in the community he wishes to stay in. Not much more complicated than that.
Under no circumstances should you make repairs before buying out the father. If the house is in his name, you increase the value of it, and then he leaves it to his four sons, you will never get the money back that you put into it, and will in fact have to pay out MORE (because the house is valued at more) to the brothers.
The only suggestion I would have re moving into that house: buy the father out right for the current worth of the house with the money you were going to use to buy a new house, and let him divide that money among his four sons.
There is no compromise. No is a complete sentence and your husband needs to talk to somebody about his need to please his father.
You are both being used. Enough of your husbands money has gone to raise the boys your FIL actually considers his sons.
Buy a house to make new memories in and if your husband is worried find one with a granny flat for FIL.
Do not buy this house you will be trapped and FIL will still consider it his and you won’t be able to change anything while he is alive.
Red flags all over. Not a good deal for you. Would you like to be left with zero? That’s what this sounds like. No risk got anyone else but you two
Your FIL doesn’t have enough retirement money to sustain him and the house. Unfortunately that means that the house is his retirement fund. So whatever he has left is what his inheritance will be.
He needs to get over the idea that he will leave his children a lot of money when he dies. This will likely be the hardest thing for your FIL to accept.
I understand your husband loves his childhood home but the situation of buying his brothers out AND repairing the home is unreasonable. Your husband is thinking emotionally, not logically.
Your FIL can use the house money to live in a retirement community. It will create a new community for him to enjoy.
Either way I would not get involved with the home. It’s going to get very messy and possibly break relationships.
Stay completely away from any deal for purchasing, living in, or fixing up FIL’s house. There really isn’t any way you can win in this deal.
Have your FIL speak to an estate lawyer. There are reasonable options like selling the property to the bothers and retaining a life interest, or using a reverse mortgage to pull cash out for living expenses.
Legally and tax wise, the idea of having you purchase the property from him and paying out the other brothers is dumb. You loose the entire step-up in basis, and since the brothers have no basis in the property the combined transfer would be 100% taxable as short-term gains for them – unless he is suggesting your payments to them for their unvested interest are gifts, then it is eating into your lifetime credit.
Can your husband and his siblings possibly convince their father that they are not concerned with getting an inheritance and that they all agree what’s most important is for him to enjoy his remaining years? Is there a possibility for him to sell the house and still stay in his own community?
As others have said the idea of you taking over his home seems like a very bad deal indeed.
Ugh this is terrible. Your FIL is trying to get you to fulfill his dream, and your husband is very drawn to solving this problem for his father. It sounds like he cares deeply about pleasing his father and retaining the connection to the home. He may be trying to avoid the grieving that will have to happen if he loses the home, and the grieiving that will happen if he can’t fix this for his father – presumably it threatens his belief in himself as a caretaker or as a good son (or something similar) if he can’t do this for his father.
I would invite your partner to tell you about his fears, and what it will cost him emotionally if he can’t do this. Sometimes just facing that the fear exists helps release us from the frantic need to avoid it and ends the bargaining. At least if he can identify what he values the most in this scenario, your partner might see another way through.
It sounds like he needs to go through a process of choosing his family with you over pleasing his father, which is painful if it’s the first time he’s had to break from his father to do this.
Do Not buy that house. It will be a cluster. FIL will always act like it is his house – not yours.
Frankly, let FIL sell his house and manage his own situation. Do not move him into your house. You should not be his caretakers. He needs to find a low income housing or a rental with a roommate.
Visible water damage= very real possibility of mold problems.
Bad idea my grandmother roped me into a similar deal when I divorced my ex wife and my grandfather passed around the same time. I took it because it was the easy solution and i got the house for free. I was living with my grandparents at the time till I got my finances straightened out from my divorce. She acted like it was her house and not mine. The repairs got to a point that I decided to sell that house and build a new home. I moved my grandmother with me. She still tries to act like the new house is hers.