My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2. We haven’t had sex in over a year.
I’ve brought it up casually, asking him why we don’t, and his excuse is always he’s fat and tired. I’m fat and tired to, I still like sex. I’ve brought up going to talk to a doctor, or a therapist, but he’s not interested. I refuse to force it.
A year ago I decided to not initiate it anymore, because it was always me. And I got tired of the constant rejection. And feeling like he was only doing it because he knew I wanted to.
We really, truly, honestly have no other issues that are big enough for me to want to leave, but this is becoming to much, and I refuse to beg. I don’t want pity sex from my husband. Would I be an absolute monster to give the ultimatum of an open relationship or a divorce? I love him so much, he’s truly my best friend.
I just really miss having someone desire me in that way. I know sex isn’t everything, but when it’s just plainly not happening, it gets to be a big part of it.
Update: so I talked to him. I don’t wanna get into specifics but he agreed to see a doctor. I didn’t give him any ultimatum. I was just really frustrated honestly. But I took y’all’s advice. We’re going to work this out the best we can. I do love him, and he seems genuine in everything he said as well.
Thanks Reddit
40 comments
Your options are couples counseling, open relationship, or a divorce. An open relation is likely going to feel like cheating for him, so you might as well skip over that and go for the divorce.
Good luck
I for one wouldn’t stay married without the enjoyment of sex from my partner.
From what I’ve heard, opening relationships after they started as closed only makes things worse. If you ever want to have sex again, find a new husband. Sorry to be blunt!
An alternative is: create a workout and healthy eating plan so BOTH of you can lose weight TOGETHER. If you commit to that, you could both be feeling good and have sex again. If you don’t do that… well, revert to what I said above.
Have you tried both getting in shape together? It’s a good bonding experience and solves the fat and tired problem.
Suggesting an open relationship is pretty much death of a marriage in slow motion.
You are well within your rights to ask for an open relationship.
The truth is you are not standing up for yourself with him and you are sacrificing your passion and sexual satisfaction. Is it worth it to do that?
Take charge of the situation lest you become bitter and resentful.
You only live once
I hope you are able to solve this issue. I put my wife through this for almost 18 months. I was going through some mental trauma and would only be intimate when she brought it up that we weren’t doing anything, barely any affection. Thankfully for me, she spoke up about it, and I realized I could be on the verge of losing the person I love the most. I am truly thankful she put up with it as long as she did.
The sense of pride that keeps you from initiating, after countless rejections, is going to turn into spite at one point. And if, or when it does, you’ll end up repulsed by him to the point where it’s not salvageable. For me this took a little over two years (ten year relationship).
Imo, better get ahead of it straight away if you want to fix it. Sitting idle and waiting it out gets you nowhere comfortable.
Have you suggested something less than penetrative sex that is low effort, but still intimate and pleasurable? I doubt it’s really about the effort if it’s been a year, but at this point it might feel like too big a moment and invite new problems like performance anxiety.
Before you suggest an open relationship or divorce, I think it would be fair for you to alert him to how serious this problem has become and invite him to work on it with you. If he remains reticent to even try, then no consequence that follows is unjustified. But, in my experience, there are times where hearing the gravity of the situation makes a lasting difference. There are no guarantees, but its worth trying one last time.
My wife and I have been struggling with the same thing. I don’t know if your situation is for the same reasons as mine but we’re on a path towards more intimacy right now so I can share with you what we’re doing.
We haven’t been honest with each other about what we’re feeling (about a lot of things) because we were both afraid of hurting each other’s feelings. In trying to protect the other person, we’ve built up these emotional walls between us that manifest as physical walls.
You have to bluntly but kindly tell him how you’re feeling, specifically how it feels like he doesn’t want you. And he may actually have something weighing on him that he doesn’t want to burden you with, but he needs to feel safe enough to tell you as well.
It turns out my wife was sexually assaulted as a teenager. And for whatever reason, my advances were triggering that feeling of being trapped. She was too scared to tell me because she felt like she’s broken and she couldn’t ever be good enough for me, especially with my libido compared to hers. She was afraid of telling me I was making her feel that way because she knows I would never assault her, and she thought I would be upset to learn that I was making her relive that.
But what she really needs from me, is to woo her, and draw her into me where she has complete control, and to feel safe with being sexual with me. Not just sex for the sake of sex.
Because of her honesty, I’ve been able to change my behavior and we’re both rewarded for it. I get the intimacy I’ve been seeking and she gets the safety she needs, knowing I’m her protector. That I care to protect her heart and feelings.
It’s silly, but I asked her to protect my sexuality. I don’t want to turn to anything else or anyone else for intimacy. We need to guard each other’s hearts and each other’s sexuality with care and love. She needed to see that I’m in emotional pain when she rejects me and I needed to see that I’m hurting her heart when I’m asking the wrong way.
Don’t open your relationship to other people. Open your relationship to truth and real intimacy. The painful, raw kind. We cried for 3 days straight with all the things we’ve hurt each other with over 15 years. And I can honestly say that I feel myself falling in love with her over again because of this experience, which has brought the physical intimacy back into the picture. We’re not 100%, but we’re back on the right path and I’m so grateful for the chance to fall in love with each other again.
Does he drink or do drugs? Alcohol and/or weed can kill a libido.
He sounds depressed and feels unattractive.
He either can attempt to have a sex life with you or leave it in your hands whether you want to continue the relationship.
It would be cruel to ask for his blessing to sleep with other people because he is too depressed to be intimate. You would destroy the marriage in the slowest and most painful way for both of you.
Get some marriage counselling and if things are not salvageable then get a divorce, but make it a clean break.
Has he gone to the doctor? I’d have him get tested for vitamin deficiency and also check testosterone level.
Ultimatums like that are the best way to end the relationship immediately and permanently.
Sit him down and tell him what you’ve said here – minus the open relationship part and that you two really need to work on it if you want the marriage to last. Just be honest that you don’t want pity sex, but that the lack of sex is going to be eventually become a deal breaker.
Part of his problem is depression. Are you sure he’s not already getting it from someone else or doesn’t have porn addiction? Even with ED he’d want it once in while.
I would never encourage someone to demand an open marriage or divorce. If you’re considering divorce as an option at all you should just divorce him.
Idk how nobody has recommended getting y’alls hormones checked. Especially for men, T levels decline as they grow older (which can lead to weight gain and crippling depression). For some men the decline starts happening quite early. Doctor’s appointment stat, OP.
Just tell him, “if you dont want to fuck me, there is no point in us staying married” and see how he reacts
/r/deadbedrooms
The answer should not be resigning yourself to feeling sad and deprived for the rest of your life.
>Would I be an absolute monster to give the ultimatum of an open relationship or a divorce?
Your ultimatum should be a willingness to work on your needs (therapy, lifestyle changes, meaningful time connecting) or a divorce. Don’t have half of an open relationship that was once monogamous. He’s either willing to work with you or willing to lose you. Find out which one.
Open marriage is a thing. Talk to your husband about ways you can get your sexual needs met outside of the marriage
Sex is a big part of the communication in the relationship. If you aren’t having sex, that is a sign that something is wrong in your relationship.
Either you need to find a way to openly and honestly communicate about sex and why you’re not having it or it will not improve. Just jumping to an open relationship without getting to the bottom of why you’re not having sex will kill your relationship because having a successful open relationship requires a lot of communication and trust.
It could be that your husband does not feel good about himself or feels insecure about his body, his sexual ability or his sexuality. It’s possible that there is some trauma involved. For instance, men do get raped and they do NOT like to talk about it.
You say that you refuse to force it, but if you want to fight for your relationship, it may come down to forcing the issue: either for him to open up or for you both to go to therapy or all of the above. Because if you don’t want to leave… does that mean you want to fight for it?
Of course, another reason why couples stop having sex is if one of them is having sex outside of the relationship. Sometimes they even justify it to themselves and their AP by telling them that the “marriage is over” and that they “no longer have sex” so it’s “ok”.
Physical intimacy is a big thing. I don’t see how being fat is an excuse for not wanting sex. Being tired is an excuse but if he’s tired that often he might have an underlying condition. You need to make a choice. Think about the future. How are you going to feel after 5 or 10 years with no sex from your husband? If you think that would make you feel even worse than you do now it might be time to leave. I’m sure the worst is going through your mind. Like does he not find me attractive anymore, is he having an affair, or is he just gay. Those are understandable thoughts. It’s not fair for you to keep that stuff in. You say there are no big problems but does he feel like a husband or a roommate? If he feels like a roommate that’s a big problem. If I were you I would give him an ultimatum. You both go to couples counseling and make an effort or you are going to move on. Living with the feelings you have isn’t healthy for it to keep going. In the meantime get on Amazon and grab yourself a toy. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck.
Have you had an actually open conversation about how you really feel about this? Casually asking and just stopping initiating has probably given him the impression you don’t care that much either. I think it would be pretty shocking to go from that to an ultimatum. Tell him you’re feeling neglected and unwanted in this area and open up a conversation to tackle this together.
I was in that exact same situation… for 8 years. Eventually, it did break down our marriage. It happened so slowly – the emotional intimacy just ebbed away since we were no longer sexually active. He wasn’t cheating, but I got sick of asking for sex .
We got divorced 10 years ago. I am happy to say that now I am with a man who loves me and loves having sex with me. We are in our 50s, have been together over 8 years, and have an amazing sex life. I never thought I would find love after nearly 2 decades with my ex, but I am happier than ever. Please don’t waste all the years I did
Why are you jumping to an ultimatum of “open relationship or divorce” instead of “therapy/doctor or divorce”? I know it’s difficult but navigating relationships is a two person task. If he’s depressed, which it sounds like he might be, he might need that extra push to seek help.
Maybe you guys should just lose weight and be healthy so you can enjoy healthy things
It wouldn’t be an open marriage. It’d be a one sided fuck fest for you and still nothing for him. He’d truly be miserable then and every time you left he’d resent you for being w other men.
I think there are a lot of steps between no sex and open marriage or divorce. Either divorce him because you can’t be in a roommate marriage any longer or have a serious conversation w him. Tell him you can’t continue a marriage that has no intimacy in it. That you’d rather divorce and find someone who would want to have sex w you rather then be a roommate.
My wife & I have had sex issues over our 32 years but there was never the thought of open marriage or divorce. There’s no way I could handle my wife w another man nor would I handle that ultimatum well at all.
I broke my back years ago and nerve damage left me w ED. Took years to find a fix to my problem. If she would have given me that ultimatum then I’d have left.
You’re right sex shouldn’t be a chore, shouldn’t have to beg and we shouldn’t have a lack of intimacy.
Talk to him and tell him that you can’t continue w no sex. You don’t want pity sex and you want true intimacy from HIM. If he cannot give you that, won’t seek a drs help or therapy etc the. Tell him he gives you no choice but to divorce him. I could respect my wife a lot more if she told me that rather than open marriage or divorce. I’d hate to let her go but I would understand she needs something I can’t give her. I’m not your husband and don’t know why he doesn’t want you sexually. But I did everything in my power to keep my wife happy when my member didn’t work.
I used my hands, mouth, toys etc to keep our sex life going. I didn’t want her to suffer because I was suffering. Oh and I’ve been between 270 & 300lbs for a decade and she’s 230 or so. So I can understand weight being an issue but it’s not stopping us. Slowed down maybe at 50 & 51 yo but we manage a happy sex life.
As man who has dealt w embarrassment of ED, I’ve felt useless , worthless and even though she showed me every day I didn’t feel my wife was attracted to me. Looking back I know she did and still does but ED screws up a man’s head.
Maybe he’s dealing with ED and doesn’t want to tell you. Before the ultimatum talk to him and see if he’ll open up. Give him one last opportunity to talk to you and then if not then your mismatched libido’s will cause a divorce.
I could not be in a sexless relationship personally. It’s like a love language to me. You should not feel bad for desiring this intimacy
Honestly my spouse and I went from all the time to nothing. And I still wanted it all the time. It was hurtful. I did throw some fits, but ultimately to just get myself off and go. I have been in an open relationship and I knew I didn’t want that. It seems when he felt less pressure it happened naturally.
Then I had a hysterectomy and my libido sank. He knows he really has to work for it now and honestly our sex life is fanfuckingtastic. I feel bad because he did seek emotional help and it takes him forever to get off and I get off fast. He’s a lot of work. So it’s not as often, is more organic and is great and a lot of fun when we do.
My word all the anti open marriage people…I think in this case they are right but an open marriage can be good for a healthy marriage where both people want it. I know several polyamorous people in happy, healthy, long-term relationships. Too exhausting for me.
Honestly, to answer your question, yeah I do think you’d be a monster to issue an ultimatum of ‘let me cheat or I’ll leave you.’ Instead, tell him, “I can’t stay in a relationship without intimacy. We either need to work on this together, or we need to reevaluate our marriage because this isn’t working for me”. If he offers an open relationship, then sure, but to *coerce* him into an open marriage? Nah fam. If you’re unhappy, you leave, you don’t do that.
My friend’s husband told her that he didn’t want to have sex because he was fat and tired.
She didn’t believe him, and made it all about her and how much he loved her, or not.
Then he lost weight for his daughter’s wedding and BAM now he wants sex more than she does.
Has he been to a Dr? Depression and low testosterone can cause low drives in men.
So your options are be an idiot that leads to divorce or divorce? Cause open relationships never work out.. I mean have you not seen Reddit? Just talk to him and tell him how you feel and say you both need to do something about it together and if he ain’t down then maybe divorce is the way to go..
You’re not a monster at all. Physical affection and intimacy is one of the primary reasons to even want relationships in the first place let alone one of the keys to maintaining one. Give him the ultimatum. It’s not ok for your needs to be totally ignored. A dead bedroom is one of the most valid reasons to divorce.
No to the ultimatum.
Just divorce him or go to therapy – an open relationship will destroy your relationship even further and you will end up having everything you do brought up during the divorce process with everyone you know.
Your marriage sounds exactly like mine. Guess what? I stopped initiating also due to the constant rejections. Ha. We opened up the marriage and I now have a FWB. Good luck
oh man, what a touchy subject. i am glad he is trying to get helps. you are right, sex is not everything but it is certainly not nothing.
This might not be of any help to you, but it’s the way I relate automatically to this as some of those events still feel fresh, I guess they left their mark – I was in a LTR for a few years and we got to a DB situation after 3-5 years, don’t remember exactly. At some point I brought it up and I just got told I needed to seduce her. And that just stopped me in my tracks – in my mind, if I’d act in any way it would be perceived as if I’m only doing it for sex, but also, after years of being together, I just didn’t know how to do that, so I did nothing. It was a classic case of her being less then pleased with things and just reacting that way. I didn’t know how to approach the issue at the time, and all my insecurities and frustrations that all came rushing back rendered me depressed and hopeless. Just thinking that she stopped being attracted to me or liking me too much was quite heavy. I guess that what I’m saying is, you might want to make sure that there is nothing too heavy hat he needs to carry by himself, I think there’s a point beyond which it will be really difficult to get back from being broken. That’s subjective AF, I know, but it’s all I got.
Also living with the guilt of having failed them, it, and not having done enough, more, all, to try and fix it, is one of the worst toxic side products of some breakups.