So my grandpa(83M) and I(23F) have had a pretty good relationship. We would always talk once a week and he probably loves me more that his own kids tbh haha. I have a younger sibling and my sibling is extremely introverted, so they don’t talk much. So my grandpa is the closest to me. But over the past 2 to 3 years, things have not been the same.
So I am applying to medical school and the long term goal is to become a physician obviously. And grandpa has always wanted me to do this also(Asian culture am I right? lol. But he DID NOT influence me btw. This is MY goal and my dream career). I am in the US and my grandpa is in India. And the process of becoming a doctor is much different in India and easier to be quite frank. You can start med school right after high school and have to take an entrance exam before. The entrance exam is the only thing that is looked at for admissions and med school is 6 years there.
But where i’m at, you need to first get a bachelors degree(4 years) after highschool. And with how competitive it is, even a few gap years to work on extra curriculars, essays, interview prep, and entrance exam prep(MCAT). And with all this, the avg age of a first year medical student here becomes 25/26 depending on the school. And that is what I am working on. After this, med school is 4 years and you can start working as a resident or junior doctor in the specialty you’ll apply to. So its 4 yr degree + gap years (Ive taken 2 and this will probably end up becoming 3 as I will most likely get in next summer because I am going to take extra time to study for the MCAT) + 4 years of med school. So, quite different than India.
But ever since I graduated 2 years ago, my relationship with him was been shit. Every time I talk to him, all he talks about is freaking this. When am I starting med school?, why is it taking so long?, and how I should have gone to India for med school as its quicker. Never asks me how I am and how my life has been. In India, not starting your career ASAP is seen an a failure btw. But every time this is the convo. Its getting on my nerves and just affecting my mental health overall. Its already really painful for me seeing people I went to school with for CS/Business/Engineering etc. starting their careers with 6 fig salaries right out of college. I am working hard, studying for the entrance exam, and just trying my best honestly. I know my hardwork will pay off and I will get into med school. I don’t need someone constantly reminding me of how the shorter the path is in other countries and ruining my mental health. I am trying to make the best of the circumstances I am in. It puts me off my mojo and ruins my positive vibes.
But the worst was 2 months ago in Feb. I came back from a 1 week vacation I took for mental health reasons. And the day after I came back was my grandpa’s birthday. I wanted to call him and wish him a great birthday. And what he did still tears me up to this day. I was like “Hi grandpa, Happy Birthday!”. And no response. He then starts YELLING at me and telling me that I could have finished residency already in India with the time I “wasted”. Yelled at me that I wasted so much time. Asked why I haven’t started med school yet and if I will ever start. And then asked me why I am wasting time on vacations and that i’m not committed since I am taking vacations. Screaming on top of his lungs btw. It was so embarrassing since the call was on speaker and i’m sure my whole house heard. I said okay don’t worry, happy bday. He said okay bye and cut the phone. I went into the bathroom and cried for like 30 mins. It ruined my entire week.
I have not spoken to him since. My dad(his son) is mad at me and told me I am wrong for not talking to grandpa as he’s getting old. I have never EVER made my grandparents feel less than. Sure, not starting your career ASAP is seen as a failure there and so are other things. Not having your child married by a certain age is a failure, having a child divorce is a failure. My aunt(his daughter) is single as 45… nothing wrong with that btw. And my uncle(his son) is divorced and having custody of his son. Never once have I made my grandpa feel like he’s a bad dad for not fulfilling his cultural parental obligations. I have never even spoken with him about my aunt and uncle. Because I know he’s a human being and has tried his best. I don’t want him to feel bad. I have so much empathy for him. And THIS is how he talks to me.?? I’ve told my dad I won’t speak until I get an apology or i’ll speak after I get into med school because he won’t respect me until then obviously. At that point, do I even want to talk to someone who puts conditions on a relationship? But my dad is pissed. I am putting my mental health and self worth first, idc.
Tl;dr I am an American and applying to med school in the US. Grandpa lives in India and constantly compares the shorter path in India to the path in the US. Always talks about med school whenever I have a conversation with him. And ultimately, 2 months back yelled at me for not getting into med school. I have not spoken to him since.
17 comments
So…he’s upset that you’re not doing medical school “correctly”?
Even though you’re probably going to have a lot more options in the United States?
…oh my god I want to hug you so badly. You didn’t deserve that at all. AT ALL.
This is absolutely not your fault and it’s not your responsability to parent your grandpa. But have you thought that maybe he’s struggling with wanting to see you succeed before he passes? I imagine this must be so hard for him.
Ouch, this one hurt to read. I’m sorry this happened to you. Sending you digital hugs. In my former career, I was a student services provider at a college. People at your age and stage of career development will always have a special place in my heart.
First I want to remind you, OP, of what an absolute superstar you are.
Wanna know where I was at 23 years old? I was a barista who drank too much and dated abusive men as a hobby. I had zero professional skills. I fucked up my first go at college. I had maxed out credit cards and trouble keeping jobs.
I quit drinking about a year later, figured my shit out and turned out fine. I’m 36 now, have a good career under my belt and now I’m a full time artisan 🙂 Believe me, OP, a lot more people have stories like mine than stories like yours. You are so, so ahead of the game. Your grandpa doesn’t know that. I wish he could see it, but it sounds like there’s a big gap here in culture, life experience and generation.
My mom loved that I had a career in education, but she did not support my dream career – being an artist. It is very difficult when our families do not accept the paths we walk. It took me a long time to accept that I had to be my own cheerleader, that my mom would not do it for me.
When I was about 30, I began seriously pursuing the arts as a career path. I had to do it for myself. I was 33 when the pandemic hit and lockdown forced me to sit with my thoughts for 18 months. I emerged a different person who no longer cared about pleasing my mother. I had given 10 years of my life to a career that pleased her – and did a lot of good for me – but I was done living someone else’s life.
I’m sharing this because, at the end of the day, **you** must be your own motivator and proponent. Your grandpa should be more supportive. My mom should’ve been too. That’s their failure as our elders. Sometimes our elders fail, for they are as human as we are.
To be clear, I do not excuse the horrible things your grandpa said. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he lacks the humility to recognize that and defer to someone who does understand the system – you. I do not excuse him screaming at you. His aggressive behaviour may sadly be the sign of mental decline, due to his advanced age. Sometimes old people get really mean in their twilight years due to their brains starting to shut down 🙁
I cannot tell you how to interact with your grandpa, nor if you should cut him out. If I were in your shoes, I would make a plea to him. “Grandpa, I love you. When you shout at me and tell me that I am a failure, it does not help me succeed. It harms me. I understand the path that I am on and I know it leads to success. I am following the advice of professional academics who know how to become a medical doctor in the united states. I understand you are worried about me, but if you want to help me, I need you to trust that I am doing what I need to do to succeed and become a doctor. I intend to live and work here, so I must meet US requirements. That is what I am doing and it is what I will continue to do with or without your support.”
If he cannot accept that, that is his failing. In my culture, our elder relatives have a requirement to uplift their descendants and help clear the path to peace and wellbeing. If they fail to do this, that is on them. It’s not on us, the younger ones. Our job is to love and respect our elders but we must set ourselves up for success because we will eventually become the elders who need to support the next generations.
Keep up the good work. You’ll be a doctor when the time is right.
I think you distancing yourself from your grandfather is a healthy response. Your father may not like it but if your grandfather soured your relationship, that is on him.
You don’t need empathy for him. He might not like not being able to brag about his family to peers but your grandfather can love the family he has rather than push them away. I think you are being a little too generous to cranky old man.
>and constantly compares the shorter path in India to the path in the US
Let’s not compare conditions in India vs conditions in America….
Based on what I’ve read, I think he is feeling his age. Seems like he is really stuck on this “wasting time” issue. He probably feels his time is getting short. He may worry he will not be around to see you become a doctor.
None of that makes it okay to yell at you, of course. That’s his personal hurdle. Just maybe some context to why this suddenly seems so weirdly important to him that he can’t stop talking about it.
“Grandpa, I am okay with my timeframe. I’m not in a rush. I wish we could talk about something else.”
Unfortunately, if he just won’t get off the topic, the end result will be that you call him less. That’s just, physics. Maybe you can write your feelings to him so he doesn’t have the chance to start shouting over you?
This is a bit tricky, because the fact is your grandpa IS old, and certainly old enough to maybe enter into dementia, whose patients unfortunately are known to be angry and aggressive.
Thing is, you can still love him from afar, for who he used to be. You don’t have to talk to him. And if/when you speak after a while – tell him you won’t take yelling. It’s probably too late for boundaries but for your own good you hang up if he yells. Maybe he’ll learn, maybe (probably) not.
You are completely in your right to be angry, but my thought is that maybe he isn’t worth your anger. Maybe he’s more worth your pity.
Like, save the rage for the sexist chief physicians you’re bound to meet in your career.
Are you actually avoiding talking to him, as in rejecting his calls? Or were you just putting forth a lot of effort previously, and now you stopped?
Not that either is wrong, but if it’s gotta be YOU calling HIM…. He’s just gonna yell at you again… I guarantee it. This is a pointless relationship if it’s just stressing him out, and you get nothing out of it.
Unfortunately there’s not much you can do. You can say to him that it’s normal to take so long for med school but other than that you really can’t say or do anything else rather than trying to have his family say the same.
I can’t say I’ve been through this exact situation but I can understand your pain and that tension between how your grandpa used to treat you and how you are feeling after a conversation like that.
My dad passed due to mental illness when I was a kid. When I started showing symptoms as a teen, my grandfather, who had always been very loving to me, said something that I can never forgive him for that I will not repeat here. And I took time away — didn’t speak to him at all for several years, in fact.
But over time, he came back to me. I left mending our relationship in his court, and though he has never explicitly apologized to me, he showed up to important events and has kindly supported my decisions in recent years. It took him time to swallow whatever pain was going on with him that caused him to lash out at me and though I do validate his pain, you are completely justified in taking space from him and deciding when you are ready to speak to him, if it all.
I’m so sorry he said all that to you. You’re doing everything right and good luck training to be the amazing doctor you will become.
Sounds like there’s something else at play here Op, because based on your description of your grandpa, he doesn’t seem like a bad person. Because of this, I am thinking there is likely something else causes him to act this way. Maybe he is afraid he won’t see you become a doctor before he dies, or someone else is giving him competing info. Like maybe one of his friends has a grandchild, who is a doctor, and that friend goes on and on about how fast his kid became a doctor. Idk it just seems like there’s something else going on. As far as how to deal with your grandpa, I have some questions. What is your financial situation looking like? Are you dependant on your family in anyway? If so, you can try and set a boundary but I wouldn’t push too hard until you can support yourself. If you are already supporting yourself and are willing to potentially have limited to no contact with certain family members, then I would enforce your boundaries a bit stronger. Tell him what you told us in this post about how his behavior is affecting you. If you need an apology, tell him that. If he will not respect the boundary, limit contact with him until he does. And be prepared to be guilt tripped/pressured by other family members, and stand your ground.
My guess is that he may be worried he won’t see you be successful in your career before he passes away. Not that it’s reasonable for him to treat you like that though, and really tough to hear. Might be worth talking it through with him and telling him that you’re committed to the path you’re on, you love him and know that he wants your success, but when he yells at you, it’s not helpful and you won’t stay on the phone if it’s happening.
I think your grandpa wants to see you become a doctor before he passes which is why the timeline matters so much to him. Really sorry this is happening to you.
From a person who had a very close relationship with their grandma; I would just…. apologize and tell him that you were wrong and should have listened to him (even if you feel in your heart that you weren’t). He wants to know you succeeded before he dies, sounds like he loves you very much.
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Maybe he misses you and doesn’t know how to tell you?
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