I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (31 M) for nearly 3 years. I’ve always had guy friends because I’ve always been fat and one of the “guys” per say. I’ve never let them cross boundaries.
Early on in the relationship we went to meet one of his girlfriends who he said he’d lived with for 10 years but nothing ever happened.
When I first met her, we were in a group of three, and the back and forth jokes between them was cute to me and I thought it was healthy.
Fast forward we when we went to Manchester and I felt like a total third wheel. All his attention was on her. They (what I felt like ) flirted all in to and fro in front of me whilst I had to stay cool. At one point we all went and got Starbucks, and by the time I got my drink no one was outside. After 5 mins of looking for them I went down stairs and there they were, joking and talking…
Didn’t even care if I was there or not. Then we went to a pub cause my boyfriend wanted to watch the game. He preceeded to sit with his back towards me the whole game whilst talking to her and another one of his guy mates which made me feel super insecure… the rage inside me was insane.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve met his other girlfriends who I love and we got on really well. But why isn’t this the same for the other one? Got me thinking.
Like idc, I will step aside if you love her more than me. I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.
Ever since, when I bring it up my boyfriend
He tells me ive ruined his relationship between him and his friend of 10 years.
I’m done. I have bpd for what ever it’s worth. I just want my partner to be happy but I can’t have this slapped in my face whenever I try to talk about what’s bothering me….help is it me? Is it him? Wtf I just wanna live alone with my cat
29 comments
Take a step back. Breath. Reread this but pretend it is someone else so that you aren’t so emotionally engaged with it.
Like let’s be real: whether or not he is actively in love with her or whatever kind of doesn’t matter. How he treated you in that scenario, the fact that around her you were no longer a consideration, just makes this a miserable and pointless relationship. Like I wouldn’t wish what you went through on my worst enemy, being ignored like that erodes the soul let alone the reality you have BPD exacerbating it.
For him to then turn you raising a concern into this imaginary slight like this? Gross. Like it was him that couldn’t maintain a healthy balance and if he can’t be friends with her without upsetting you that is on him at that point. But to use it as a way to emotionally coerce, dismiss, and hurt you is obviously about as red a flag as there can be.
My favorite sentence in your post is; “I’m done.”
He doesn’t deserve you.
It’s him and he has made you his second choice as evidenced by him telling you that you ruined their relationship. Just give him the boot and move on. He’s an AH that could care less about your feelings. Leave him in the dust and find someone amazing that will make you their #1 priority. Run, dear, run.
You didn’t ruin the friendship, he did. There’s no excuse for him and that friend to have iced you out the whole time. I repeat, I don’t care how little he sees her, a normal decent human being knows exactly how to entertain and play catch up with a friend while simultaneously making sure their SO isn’t ignored and feels like a third wheel. He and his friend caused this issue by icing you out and now to add insult to injury, he throws accusations at you about ruining the friendship like sand in your face? Fuck that clown shoe circus bullshit! Like someone else mentioned here…your phrase “I’m done.” was my favorite too.
Life is too short to mess with guys like this. The only reason he “chose” you is that you fuck him and she probably won’t. Find someone who’s actually single and available.
dump him
I’m sorry but you’d be better off in the long run dumping him. The way he treated you is not okay. A good guy that chooses to be with you CHOOSES to be with you in situations like that. My husband would never walk away and go off with other people leaving me behind like that. You need to look at each of those situations and apply how’d you have acted. You would have stayed for him. You wouldn’t ignore him. When someone treats you differently than you would have treated them look at that as a sign the relationship is not equal. He turned you into a third wheel. You deserve better by your own BF. Find a new one. This guy sucks.
And if it matters, the above scenario doesn’t get brought up for me anymore, I said he can go chill with her and I won’t go and stuff but he brings it up when I express my feelings about being lonely sometimes…I hardly moan at all
I just want to say thanks to everyone for the comments/help from all sides, it’s really helped me so far feel validated and actually kicked me into making a plan
Whether he’s in love with her or not doesn’t really matter. He and his friends were rude af to you. This is who they really are. Believe them.
He doesn’t deserve you. Be done. Move on.
He doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who does ❤️
The gender of the friend doesn’t matter to me or play a factor at all in this scenario. I would be FURIOUS if my boyfriend treated me like this, period. He should have been making sure you felt included and part of the team, checking in with you, and trying to make sure you were cultivating a good relationship with his friends. He ignored you and basically forgot about you to hang out with his buddy. That’s a problem no matter what the other friend’s gender is in the scenario.
I’m sorry but it sucks to be a third wheel in a relationship. Clearly, he has much more respect for her than he does for you. If you gave him the either, it’s her or me question seems like most likely he would pick her over you not only that the fact that he turned his back to you and cut you off when went to watch the game talk with his made to not include you at all is very disrespectful.
Girl ur almost 30, is this what u want to deal with forever? Move on.
People who pretend there is no such thing as an inappropriate friendship are delusional and likely in the midst of one.
I’ve never had a female friendship that I would value more than my relationship with my wife.
Besides, with respect to propriety, aka “Caesar’s wife must be above suspicion”, I would never do anything with another woman that would put my wife in the difficult position of wondering what is going on, or her friends or family wondering the same. It is a question of respect.
The thing is he deprioritized you.
I’ve had something like this happen to me but with just friends not a partner and it devastated me. I can’t imagine how soul crushing it was for a partner to act like you didn’t exist. He was disrespectful, rude, and it’s just straight up nasty to abandon someone from a group. I’m sorry that happened. Drop him. Your cat is worth way more.
I dated a guy who would frequently forget that I was even there while on group outings. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.
10 years and nothing happened but he’s acting this way? Either he’s lying that something happened or he has always been pining for her instead.
Girl you are better off breaking up with him. His feelings towards her are irrelevant at this point. What matters is that he treated you like you didn’t matter at all, like you were the third wheel. He completely forgot you existed because he was talking to her. He spent that entire day/evening showing you that he would drop you for her in an instant if she wanted him. And then he had the audacity to be mad at you for being hurt. He blamed you for HIS poor behaviour.
He’s a shitty boyfriend and you deserve better, I’m sorry.
nah the fact that he had his back to you while y’all was watching the game and was talking to his male friend and his female friend is so disrespectful. and the fact that they didn’t even wait for you at starbucks and they also constantly flirt infront of you is mad disrespectful. the fact that he puts all his attention and time on her and not on you, he clearly prioritizes her. he is also gaslighting you to. don’t allow yourself to be a third-wheel in your own relationship and dump this guy. him, his male friend, and his female friend don’t respect you. you deserve so much better OP.
>Ever since, when I bring it up my boyfriend He tells me ive ruined his relationship between him and his friend of 10 years.
How did you ruin it? Did he stop talking to her bc you told him to?
This is super hard to swallow omg
FWIW, I wouldn’t put up with that, either.
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Sucks when you feel like you don’t exist in your own relationship. It’s even worse when it’s because that attention is going elsewhere right in front of you.
If you’ve communicated it and let him know how much that hurts and he doesn’t want to change, I’d head out. You accept it, and it’s pretty much what things are gonna be like between them, going forward. Would like to make clear, nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, it’s when that person is so high priority, it inadvertently affects your other relationships.
It’s 100% him, he a POS,
Whether he has feeling for her or not the way he treated you that day In front of her says it all, I doubt nothing has every happened, either way he is not worth it.
The way he tried saying you ruined he relationship with her🤨 no he did, acting like she was he gf and you was just a tag along friend.
Tell him he now free continue this ‘friendship’ but as a single man because his behaviour during and after was disgusting and changed the way you see him.
If not for the age difference, I’d say we were separated at birth. The way you described yourself is exactly me. So let me tell you what I’ve learned through personal experience.
1) You’re worth more than how your “boyfriend” is treating you.
2) He’s not actually your boyfriend, regardless of how much you want him to be.
3) It’s hard…damned hard…but you need to break it off…now. (This is where I made my big mistake. I *didn’t* break it off and I paid dearly for it.)
4) There *will* be somebody else. Maybe even a few somebodies before you find the right one.
5) You’re better off just keeping the company of cats…or dogs…whatever…than keeping company with a man who doesn’t value you in the way that you deserve.
You deserve better. Don’t settle for anything less than someone who treats you like the goddess that you are.
Yeah when your partner ignores you and favors another girl (no matter who it is) over you that’s an issue. Jealousy has nothing to do w it. It’s not even insecure. They literally treated you like you weren’t there and what’s worse is THEY TURNED THEIR BACKS ON YOU. You might as well have been a stranger to them.
Nope I’d be out and they could have each other. There’s someone out there that will devote their time to you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. You deserve better
Your problem is that your boyfriend was ignoring you. Focus on that part, it really has nothing to do with the friend. You didn’t like the way he treated you and felt ignored
Yes, I think it’s time to leave. A big part of any healthy relationship is respect. He shows you almost no respect when she’s around. You deserve to be treated better and not berated when you demand the proper treatment from him.
I’m sure your cat is nice and all but there are men who will treat you better.