I (F/28) need to leave my gf(29). I can’t handle the stress anymore.
6 months into dating her, her dad got sick, I made sure I supported her whilst also managing her ex crossing boundaries for a year into our relationship, and her being stuck on another – ‘the one who got away’ – years ago, but she convinced me that she was sad she lost a friend, not a love interest (but she was in love with this person for a time before we met).
I have tolerated, kept my mouth shut, and not ‘rocked the boat’ every time her brother takes money from her and is abusive to his girlfriends and uses misogynistic language. I have stuck with her through all of the shit she has put me through, her inability to compromise, her urge to mentally punish me when she thinks i have done something wrong so that i get anxiety and cramps waiting to hear about what i did. I have tolerated her bad hygiene and faced punishment when I finally get the guts to gently ask her to brush her teeth or change her underwear.
I managed to get her to go to therapy which has helped her and provided her with help and support, I got us into couples therapy which then fell through after the second session because she was so angry at me that day we couldn’t converse.
Her mom is now very sick and it is not looking good. I have tried to be supportive, bought her mom clothes and snacks and offered to clean her house and visit her at the hospital and IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. I AM ALWAYS THE BAD PERSON WHO DOES EVERYTHING WRONG AND LETS HER DOWN.
Ever since her mom got sick I feel like a dartboard with even more darts flying at me. She is sad and angry and I am the only one she wants to punish and hurt. Please help me to leave. I am in a foreign country with no family (they are a 14 hour flight away). I need help to be strong. I need help to finish my college studies and to keep up my work at my job I don’t want to get fired because of the mental anguish I am feeling. I want her to go out and cheat on me so that she will want to leave me too.
Everyone in her family does shitty things but she doesn’t say anything to them. I feel like I am held to an impossibly high standard and I don’t know how to get out
Tldr; i don’t know how to leave a toxic rship when my gf is going through family trauma
4 comments
Do you have your own place? If you don’t, can you get your own place? Get that set up, pick a day, pack your stuff up, and move. Don’t look back, don’t explain yourself, don’t interact with them after that. Just get yourself to safety, and then you can tackle things like school and work.
Remember, you deserve to be treated better than this, and not being in a relationship is better than being in a bad relationship.
I’m assuming you live together?
It might be quicker and cheaper to rent a room in a shared house.
If you’re at college/ uni, they should have some sort of pastoral service who will be able to support you and help you find accommodation.
If you live together, remove any important documents such as your ID or belongings from the home and store them elsewhere so they can’t be destroyed. Abusive people get really angry when they’re losing their power and can act in extreme ways – be careful.
As for moving on emotionally, there’s no denying it’s really hard and there will be times when you feel like caving in. But there will also be times when you feel utter relief that you’re out of the situation. Take it one step at a time and keep investing in your future by focusing on your studies.
Dude why are you OK with being abused like this? I mean, there’s being kind and then there’s being ok with physical, emotional and psychological damage. You know how hard it is to regain your own trust once you’ve lost it? Though to be fair there is a shortcut, if you say “enough!” that tends to do wonders for self-trust. My advice to you is say it. To yourself first and then to her. There will never be a good moment, but you have to do it. Doesn’t matter how much of a mess this leaves her in – with the amount of messes you’ve already helped her through, she’s in big debt to you as it is and her life would already be much worse if it weren’t for you. It’s time for her to handle her own life, and you – yours.
Break up.
Sometimes being strong isn’t holding it, it’s letting go. I believe we only have one life, is this how you want to spend it? It sounds like you have exhausted your efforts with her. I know it’s hard to see right now but one day she will just be an after thought. Put her in your rear view mirror, you’re worth it! And omg hygiene, if she doesn’t even take care of herself how would she ever take care of you and honestly, would she??