A repressed memory recently came out and I sort of had a meltdown for a week. I’ve been in therapy for more than 5 years now for depression and anxiety, and now everything makes sense.
So here is an overview of my family:
My grandma (d.2020) tried to kill me several times as I was a baby, had a daily routine in calling me all sorts of names and reminding me that I am stupid and ugly my whole life since I was born and told everyone that I’m mentally “r” word since I refused to talk most of the time.
My parents let this happen for years, until I left home right after turning 18. I always thought that she was the boogie man and my parents were her victims.
My father is an alcoholic. And here is the repressed memory. He almost SA me when I was 12 because he confused me with my mother. My grandma stopped him because she heard the yelling and the crying since my room was next to her. My savior became the abuser and my abuser became my savior. That really f me up more than anything.
My mother is scared of him. She told me that I was the product of him “r”ing her. That I am the reason why she didn’t leave him because you know…a kid needs to have a father. That he threatened her to kill both of us if she ever leaves him. He tried to spill acid on her one time, lucky that he was so drunk that he spilled it on the floor.
After I turned 18, I cut him off from my life. My mother begged me after 2 years to talk with him cause he changed and this whole “not talking with him” is causing her more problems. So I was a sucker and did that. Since then, I was not allowed to be angry with him anymore. “You have to respect him because he is your father”, “he is just a victim of your grandma”, “if you don’t talk with him he’s gonna become violent again”, “he’s a nice man, it’s just the alcohol talking”. I didn’t really care since I saw them maybe 2 times per year (I moved really far away). Talking on the phone tho is a huge pain in the a.
But now…now I’m angry at both. I can’t talk with them anymore. When I was beaten up in school, even in hospital 2 times and begged them to do something, they ignored me. When I broke my bones 7 times, they didn’t think that I might have an autoimmune disease. I lost my teeth by the age of 20 because of that. They thought about themselves smoking and drinking instead of buying me clothes for school. I was severely bullied since I had 2 pairs of pants and was allowed to take a bath only one day per week. I had no idea deodorants existed until highschool when a colleague borrowed me one cause I stank. I had multiple stress related diseases by that time and developed panic attacks when people touched me. I had no friends. No safe place.
My mother called last week. I tried to talk with her about my decision, she just told me to take some sleeping pills and try to forget.
I am so done. I don’t know what to do from now on. If I ever have kids, I never want that man around them. He still makes borderline gross comments related to underage girls so I don’t think he ever changed. I am scared to have him in my future. I don’t want to keep my mother away, but they seem to come in a pack.
I am so angry right now. I am done making excuses for them and trying to forgive and forget.
4 comments
Don’t have him in your future – it’s clearly not what you want and also it seems fairly dangerous for you. Talk to your mom on the phone if you want, but I would not visit her ever. I am sorry all this shit happened to you and I hope you figured out how to be financially independent by now. There is nothing that requires you to keep in touch with see abusive people, including your parents.
The best way is to just block them on everything. If family asks or tries to pressure you into reestablishing contact, tell them whats going on (you dont need to go into detail, just a simple “for the sake of my mental health, its best for me not to be in contact with them. I dont expect anyone else to do the same but I ask that you respect my decisions on the matter and trust that, while I still care about the family, its hurting me to interact with my parents.”). If they can respect that boundary, theyre worth having around. If they continue to try and pressure you, cut them off too.
I’m so sorry, I think it would be best for you to just go no contact with them permanently.
I stopped taking to my mother over ten years ago. It was a relief. She died a few months ago. That was also a relief.
My autoimmune disease improved dramatically after I cut her off. The reduction in stress and anxiety reduced the effects of the disease. I was in hospital at least once a year until I went no contact. I only went back to hospital twice since.
It is that simple. You just stop. You block their numbers.
He is dangerous to you and she lets him. You don’t need them and you will be healthier without them.