I’ve been feeling really down recently because ever since I entered the dating pool, every guy I’ve dated never wants anything serious. I’m 26F, and like a solid 6/7, I am completing my Masters and I do work in my community frequently… In my relationships, it’s like we’ll be seeing each other for two months and then I ask where we’re headed, and the guy basically sprints away. This has happened so frequently that I’m beginning to think I must be doing something wrong. My friends are all getting engaged and starting families and I feel like I’m being left behind. Help? Sympathize? Is this happening to anyone else?
39 comments
Depends on your age, and what you are doing to attract these men. Whether that’s being in wrong environments or not doing things to better yourself, this is probably why you may be struggling
Are you overweight?
Do you want the truth OP?
Guys your age for the most part are not looking forward to settling down or getting married. Why would a guy want to get married in their late 20’s when they have their entire life ahead of them? They can sense your desperation, especially by your question within just 2 months. Just because your friends are getting married, so what… stop competing! I did that shit in my 30’s, I married someone just because one of my best friends got married and now I’m divorced thinking about what if I waited to find true love. Point is, you are way to young. Enjoy your life and the right person will come along
Don’t beat yourself up. With apps. anything goes. It’s getting harder to find a match.
Men see your pic, like it, meet you, like you, they think you’re attractive enough to be fucked, fuck you for a few weeks then move on to another girl.
You must look for compatibilities, shared values, romance.
It’s a curse to be fuckable level. They come to fuck, regardless of mutual interests or even *liking* you. It’s the fuckability that matters. Unfortunately.
Gotta stop asking where things are going two months in.
You gotta ask by the second date what they want.
If you wait this long, then yeah, of course it’s going to hurt. But you avoid this issue everytime when you do it early in so you can easily stop investing into the wrong people, then can avoid burnout from dating dead end connections.
You’re not alone OP. I’m in the same boat. I focused on my education instead of dating. I’m 30 and I’m sorry to say that guys in their 30s often act the same…
I was recently seeing a guy for three months. I had met his friends, so, I thought I were getting serious. He started distancing himself and I asked him if he could put in more effort. This scared him and he ran away too…It happens. It’s just a sign of their immaturity and not being upfront about their intentions. Be glad you were vocal about what you wanted, so, you didn’t waste anymore time on these non-committal dudes.
A lot of guys our age just don’t want to settle down. I know it’s hard, but try not to take it personally. You have to be able to have the hard conversations about what you and this other guy want before you waste too much time on them.
Things will get better! Enforce your boundaries, express your desire for a serious relationship when you’re dating, and don’t let anyone treat you less than you deserve.
Girl, it’s fine. I am 26F too, my longest relationship was 3 months, and sometimes I also think I did something wrong even though I try to be the best. As a people pleaser. And yes many of my friends and also my exes are getting married and stuff. But it’s ok. I don’t see myself as a married girl with children, but I understand many others do. Just don’t overthink it. You have to be good with yourself and love yourself before you love or commit to someone else. You are the love of your life. Surround yourself with good activities and good company. Everything will be fine . If you want to reach out ,my DM s are open. 🙂
Does serious mean with intent to marry? Cuz same until I was 32. Ya, I wouldnt ask that at 2 months. Much later.
Stop fucking comparing yourself to your friends.
DON’T form relationships out of loneliness.
DON’T form relationships at your weakest point.
DON’T form relationships to keep up with the Joneses.
DON’T ever assume that relationships are about rings and ceremonies.
Finish your master’s. Celebrate the shit out of it. Use these last years of school to find yourself, pick up a hobby if time allows, and go refreshed into the job market.
Otherwise you’ll settle for less out of pure neediness which from my experience is a shit move.
And turns your life into a shit show in the long run.
I might be in the minority in this but…don’t waste months guessing if they want something serious. I was no nonsense when I first started dating my current partner (together 7 years with 1 kid and another on the way). I wasn’t a psycho about it, I didn’t push marriage or kids or constantly talk about my biological clock, but I did mention things like kids, I asked about thoughts on marriage and I asked questions, like “What do you think it takes to make you want to take a relationship from casual to serious?” I’ll usually answer the question for myself before they answer so they don’t feel pressure, so I’ll continue by saying, “I usually like to feel like we have a lot in common, and date for a couple of months before making things official, but if things don’t feel right I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.” For guys who aren’t looking for long term or serious, their boner will be killed they will usually just nod and agree because they don’t want to look like an ass but you’ll be able to tell because they will get more quiet, and less time is lost on a dead end person, for those who ACTUALLY want long term, they will either agree or disagree on points, but will be less passive and continue to pursue you. I’m pretty sure I asked most of my dates that question around the second or third date depending on how much we talked outside of dates and if they were giving me the “dead end” vibe. If I had not implemented this, I definitely would have missed the opportunity to go out with my current partner. It’s crazy to think about.
Entirely unrelated, but for my own morbid curiosity, how did you conclude you’re a 6/7?
(I believe you, but the scale is so different person to person, would love to hear more)
You dating profile should say looking for serious relationship. Girls job is to filter, it’s not easy. Should go exclusive within a month or having sex, otherwise move on
I laughed when you said “then I ask where we’re headed, and the guy basically sprints away.”
It shows confidence for you to ask, and you got a good answer because they can stop wasting your time. 2 months is long enough to ask- you won’t “scare” someone serious away. Only ones that have been stringing you along. I could sense my bf wanted to be exclusive immediately (day of).
I had a similar experience you did in my 20s- early 30s so you’re not alone. My younger sister married her high school sweetheart who she met when they were both 16- their first bf/gf so I don’t really buy the whole age thing esp because these disappearing men range from early 20s to late 30s, and many men marry in their mid-20s.
I have no advice other than a lot of it is luck.
Your friends getting married, where did they meet their guys and how long have they been dating?
I’m guessing they locked those dudes up in college or right afterwards.
You need to ask before the first date even happens.. what are you looking for?
First of all, don’t rate yourself on a scale?? are you mad??? Other than that, if this happens to you really all the time, try to dig into you if you are attracted to a specific type of man. Maybe men that seem independent or unemotional, always speaking about themselves etc.
Maybe you got a pattern that you need to crush down in order to find emotional available men. If that’s a pattern, most of the time the actual problem is you an your fear of commitment, for example, you find mysterious men attractive because in that situation you see yourself as loving and wanting but when you find someone who is the real deal you see that you are the one who doesn’t know what he wants, been there done that. But sometimes it is just bad luck. Dating is just like digging through dirt until you find a hidden gem.
Maybe you aren’t a 6 or 7 out of 10? 7
I didn’t ask my current boyfriend where we were headed until 5 months into the relationship. Even then it was a friend who asked us both. I think it just kinda will work itself out if you give it time. We did become exclusive though when we started being intimate.
The relationships I’ve been in that have lasted, we talked about future stuff pretty early on. You can tell by then if a guy is serious or not. I have found a few bad apples who say early on they want something, but they always said and never did.
The two guys that did were already introducing me to friends and family and actually made an effort to see me besides sex.
Be open about wanting something serious right at the beginning of dating. If they don’t want it, just leave and don’t waste your time trying to change their minds. If they want the same thing, date and see whether you’re compatible
Girl I’m divorced and 56. Before my current relationship I was single for 5 years after my fiance died of a sudden heart attack. I got this same behaviour with men in their 50s. Immature men come in all shapes, sizes and ages.
Line someone already said the key is to ask them what they are looking for very early on. Most people are their most honest in the beginning of a relationship as they have nothing to lose. Also while words are cool, take note of actions. Consistency. Dependency and openness….actions always tell the truth even when words don’t.
I told my partner on our first official date (we had been speaking on and off just as acquaintances for a good few years) that I didn’t wasn’t prepared to waste my time and I also didn’t want to waste his. I told him that if at any point he wasn’t feeling it to just tell me and I would do the same, I told this guy on our first date that I wanted a ring on my finger. You need to be very upfront at the start.
I FEEL YOU! I dated a guy for a month, before even meeting him I told him I’m looking for something serious. After meeting 3 times, I mentioned that I see myself getting married in 1.5 years and he said he’s on the same page. After a month (we had met 8 times)… he ended things!!! This was after completely love bombing me in the beginning!
First, you need to know your worth— people can sense insecurity. Second, stop waiting so long to ask what they’re looking for, it’s a waste of both your time. My husband and I had that talk before we ever even met in person (we matched on tinder) so we knew we were both looking for a relationship from the get go. Third, stop comparing your life to those of the people around you. Things will happen for you in the right time. Lastly, consider the types of guys you keep going after. You’re choosing people who are non-committal…why? What qualities do these guys all have in common? Consider changing your interests/focus.
Try dating down a bit instead of all the dudes that get all the attention on dating apps? I know, real controversial opinion but a lot of women are just dating the same small pool of men in the online dating sphere and then wonder why they aren’t interested in a relationship. There are LOTS of dudes who want a relationship but they get zero attention from women because their online dating profiles suck. Women have groups about it too “Are we dating the same guy”. Kind of blows my mind sometimes how they haven’t figured it out yet.
Whenever I was dating I was giving the guy clear signals or asked for clear signals where we’re headed. I things were kept vague, they were vague for a reason and usually faded out rather quick. My boyfriend’s reaction when I told him I’m not down for a fun time but I’m ready to think for a proper shared future and he told me he’s down for it and ready to commit. We barely knew each other and I had my doubts because age gap and distance in countries – but he kept his word! We made it work and are married to next month and having our first baby in October.
If guys run after two months it’s because you didn’t make clear what you’re looking for or didn’t ask them what they’re looking for. Abby relationship is based on communications and the clearer you communicate they clearer your answers will be – saves you a lot of heartache and frustration too! Good luck OP
You should be able to gauge that yourself without asking. You’re choosing the wrong people that don’t meet your trajectory for some reason. That’s a deeper conversation you have to have yourself.
Ask what they are looking for on date one, or even before if you are talking on a dating app. If they say anything other than a relationship, ditch em. No ‘I want to see where things go’ or ‘it depends on the connection’, either they are looking for a relationship, or they aren’t.
This will mean ditching a majority of guys, but that’s the goal. You want to filter out the commitmentphobes so you don’t waste any more time with them, and that requires being more selective.
It’s ok. Keep looking. There is a guy out there who would be perfect for you. Don’t lose hope.
Geez, man. Did I write this? Story of my life.
You do you. Second or third date. Ask upfront if it’s just sex or LTR. Most guys will be upfront.
Unfortunately, you may just have to wait a few more years while your peers mature. I never had a relationship last more than about eight months in my 20s.
I’m 34 and I’m one of the few non-engaged/married people I know. Don’t compare yourself to your peers, or you’ll rush into something you regret.
At least they sprint away instead of leading you on while they search for something better..? Don’t stop ‘asking where you’re headed’ – otherwise, you’ll find yourself with some, ‘wElL wE nEvEr SaId We WeRe ExClUsIvE’ jackass.
This is literally every other post on here. Yes. Lots of people are experiencing this. Welcome to society now.
I think guys are relationship averse because the vision of a committed relationship they have is that they’ll have to “get serious” and stop being the fun carefree guy that the woman initially was attracted to. Basically, to men “relationship” often means “responsibility.” Instead of being about fun they feel you situation will start being about doing serious “couple things.” This is why guys that actually like doing “couple things” are less likely to run or protest against getting into relationships.
Yes ask right away and check back in periodically over time how the relationship is moving etc. Got dumped after a year, just like that! Shocker for me! Mistook the physical love for emotional love! It hurts so communicate often!
Just wait til you get to be my age (33) and every dude wants to wife you down on like date 2 and assumes you’ll be into that since you’re in your 30s. It’s terrible.
Don’t worry you’ll be fine.
As for your friends getting married, let me tell you what my 30 something friend told me when I was 27:
“You’re going through that wave where all your friends get married, now I’m 35 and watching all my friends get divorced” 😂
Are you having conversations with these guys early on about what they’re searching for and making sure you both share the same end goal of a long term relationship? I wouldn’t wait 2 months into dating someone to ask where things are heading. If you know your end goal is something that leads to marriage and having a family of your own, make that known from the jump. Have that conversation before the first date even. Don’t entertain conversations or a date with men who are unsure, or “going with the flow”, etc. If he’s not in search of the same thing you’re trying to find, cut him lose.
Side note, life is a journey not a sprint. You are not being “left behind”, even though it may look or feel that way.
You are having that conversation way too late. You have to gauge from date one if they are looking into a serious relationship or not. You do this by directly asking but also, by being more subtle and asking non-leading questions. Why? Because some guys will straight up lie about their intentions and say whatever you want to hear to get laid. And more than their words, you have to look at their actions. Vet on their character.
GIRL SAME HOLY SHIT
Good luck out there it’s a mother fucking jungle