I (26 F) got married to my husband (30M) a couple years ago and found out after the wedding that he was in serious debt. My parents helped us out with whatever they had in the bank. I sold part of my wedding jewellery for the rest of it. He’d quit his job during this period due to a toxic work situation and my dad basically was supporting us for a while. We eventually got back on our feet, he got a good job.
I’m currently in the process of getting a post graduate in my field, but I want to do it in a different country and just getting there requires quite a bit of money. My parents offered to pay for it, which I am so thankful for, and I hope I can pay it all back to them someday.
My husband and I were talking once about budget and stuff and I told him my parents will cover my education, but maybe just in case they come up a little short, we could try saving some. And he completely lost it on me, saying if a person doesn’t have enough money for something, they should just try again the next year after saving up. He accused me of plotting to make him pay for it all.
And I know he doesn’t owe me anything, this isn’t even about the money, but it just hurt me so much. That I was willing to sell all of my jewellery if that’s what it took for him to get out of debt, and he’s refusing to even bother to save. And if he genuinely isn’t able to I wouldn’t have said anything at all. But he straight off the bat accused me of trying to trap him into paying for all my education. Even after I showed him that the money’s there and I was just talking about an emergency scenario.
I’m so heartbroken I keep crying about it out of nowhere and I feel so stupid for crying. I did what I did to help him clear his debt because I love him, and I feel like I mean nothing to him at all. I don’t think I’d even tell a beggar on the street that he should’ve just predicted every scenario and saved or just gone without. I can’t imagine saying that to someone I love.
Tl:dr ; I feel like my husband doesn’t consider me as family or even important to him in any way and I’m heartbroken. I also feel like I’m overreacting.
3 comments
Sounds like you’re in a financially abusive relationship. I’d assume your parents are also worried about him?
Wow. Seems that you married a self-centered child.
Anyone who tells you this is a small thing is lying. Anyone who tries to downplay this as inconsequential does not have your best interest at heart .
You are being used. You are being trained into complying to sacrifice at his behest, while receiving nothing in return. I use the word trained because of the tone of this post. You have spent the entirety of it taking blame for something where you’ve done nothing wrong. You repeatedly minimize your own contribution and attempt to downplay your own emotions
Now unless you were raised to not have a sense of self or feel a sense of agency then you are being put in a situation where you could be coerced to let go of your sense of self. If you were raised in a way where you are the only one ever compromising then this is just adding to that trauma. On the other hand, he could very well have been slowly working his way towards building a relationship where you are the only one ever compromising.
Who are you as your own person and what are your values? What does it mean to you to give this to him and receive nothing back? Don’t think of it in terms of how he feels or how he’s behaving. Look at this situation as an autonomous individual with the right to decide what happens with the money you receive and the money you earn. If he’s not willing to respect those lines, then he’s not willing to respect you as a person.
Again, the situation you are describing is not normal and it is not a small issue. For you to view this as a small thing means you’ve become acclimated to this type of financial abuse and stripping away of your autonomy.