So my (26F)fiancé (28M)is very loving usually but there’s been this trend where he has either berated me after or interrupted me during talking to my longtime friends because he feels embarrassed by what I’m saying or that I’m talking too much. For example I was saying I sometimes put laundry on our spare bed when I’m feeling lazy instead of immediately folding it. And he’s like “we have to be respected and be a brick wall” but that’s just not how I am. I’m a very open and vulnerable person. It makes me feel very self conscious and bad and all of the ppl he does it to me with have been my friend for at least a year and up to 5 years and I feel like if it bothered them them as much as he acts like it does they wouldn’t be my friend like I have nothing to offer but my friendship I have no social or economic capital they get nothing materially from being my friend and they all choose to hang out with me at least twice a week. It just really hurts my feelings and idk what to do. He’s a very self conscious person and was bullied in school and I was pretty popular so it could be that. I really love him but idk if I can put up with this forever what do I do?
Tl;dr: my fiancé feels the need to censor what I say around close friends out of embarrassment and self consciousness
7 comments
It would be one thing if it were his friends but they are my friends
Your fiancee sounds controlling and uptight. He doesn’t think you should talk about *laundry* with your friends? That’s bizarre.
Do you really want to be married to a man who put you down?
You probably say to yourself “he is just like that”, but girl, other men aren’t like that.
Find one that respects you because this guy doesn’t.
Its actually a red flag to try and police what you talk to your friends about… They are your support network, you SHOULD talk to them. Social isolation is really scary, and it’s often how abusers make sure that you can’t leave the relationship… Not saying your boyfriend is abusive, but just saying that you shouldn’t listen to him and keep talking to your friends.
Extremely do not marry!! This is such an unbelievably shitty thing to do even once, and he does it over and over again, when he knows how much it embarrasses and hurts you. He’s allowed to be stoic and silent if he wants to, but he’s choosing to be with you, a person who prefers to be open and vulnerable with people she cares about. It’s not too much to ask that your life partner actually like you for who you are! He clearly doesn’t! And you’re clearly very likable, since your friends love spending time with you and choose to do it often.
I spent four years with someone who loved me but didn’t like a couple key things about me. It wore away at me over time to come home to someone who wished I was different and tried to shape me into someone he liked better. I ultimately broke up with him, because it feels bad to be a project. I’m currently married to someone who thinks I’m a dang delight, and it feels… light. It feels so good and easy and fun. I really want that for you.
It speaks to your character that you want to find a sympathetic reason for him to act this way. I believe that he suffered in school, and also it’s just no excuse for how he’s treating you.
I would feel disrespected and not accepted by my bf if he did this and it would make me feel like I can’t be myself around him because he’ll find something to correct. That’s no way to be, you know that already. What did he say when you asked him about this and asked him to stop?
I unfortunately have some personal perspective on this from your boyfriends point of view. I was in a similar situation as your boyfriend, as I was always wanting to appear as though I had my shit together, and by association, my SO had her shit together. I would be embarrassed at times by her nonchalantly mentioning things she gets away with at work, or that I accidentally wore mismatched socks all day before noticing…
Take it from me, It’s his insecurity and has very little to do with you. He’s unintentionally making you suffer for his convoluted ideas about how “put together” people are supposed to be. I would guess that you have a much easier time making real friends than him, while he prides himself on being a stable acquaintance, but never really connects as easily.
I felt the fear that if people got to know who I really was that they would reject me and honestly, once upon a time, that kept me up at night. I would ask him why he’s so uncomfortable, worried, terrified that people will see him at less that perfect… His reaction to the question will let you know how you should proceed in your relationship… His fear of rejection isn’t your cross to bear