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16 comments

1. So went on first date with new guy. No red flags so far. At the end of the date he said he’d like to see me again next week, and also texted me that as well. But I’m feeling unsure about him. The issue is totally me. Im definitely still more drawn to the “bad boys” than “nice guys.” I also have a hard time feeling attracted towards anyone I meet from OLD. It takes me some time to really feel comfortable and interested in someone. OLD feels so forced.

   There’s this guy friend I recently reconnected with, we knew each other from work a few years ago. Ever since we hung out once about a month ago, we’ve been texting consistently…sometimes flirty but never inappropriate! I found that with him in person AND through text, I had a connection with him more than anyone else. After every date, I find myself wanting to text him about it. I honestly can’t stop thinking about him and am trying to work up the courage to ask how he feels about me. I’m terrified of losing out on this potential friendship though If he isn’t interested in me romantically.

2. Every time I go to a random wine bar or something, I always end up sitting near two ladies commiserating about dating woes. How the hell do you open a group of 2

3. My ex loved spoiling me (his words). It’s so crazy to reconcile all the lovely (at the time) things he did for me, all the effort (seemingly so) he put into making me smile…with the crazy shit he did/said to me. It felt so genuine, but maybe he was truly only doing the sweet stuff to counteract the shitty stuff. That’s so screwy!

   Also somehow all the shitty stuff didn’t even seem that bad to me while we were together. I was clouded, fr. I still don’t even know if it was *that* shitty, or just not cool/not something I jived with?

   The highs and the lows, man.

4. Dinner date help!
   I met a person on a dating app recently. We met up for a quick drink, things went well. We have agreed to go out Wednesday evening for dinner however, I’m feeling very uncomfortable and nervous with a dinner date…not because of the person but because I don’t feel comfortable with one on one or dinner. I don’t like eating out and I find dinner to be a bit uncomfortable.

   Should I suck it up and go to dinner or is it ok to suggest something else? How do I explain that I do not like to eat out so it’s not a regular date suggestion (if we want to continue to see each other).
   Edit: I suggested getting a drink over dinner for the first date. I have already agreed to dinner and once before suggested something other than dinner which is why I’m having anxiety about alternative dates.

5. Gave up and deleted the dating apps (again). Hopefully I’ll have better luck next time.

6. I’m starting to better understand how little experience my new boyfriend (38M) has with relationships and am trying to learn how to work with that. We’ve discussed relationship histories and he’s dated a lot, but none of them have lasted long. I met some of his friends today and it was kinda awkward tbh. We were both tired and stressed about work stuff and it was a loud and crowded event, so I didn’t feel like I got to say more than a few sentences to them. Not sure I made the best impression. He was awkward about the intros and i found out later that I’m the first person he’s ever introduced to his friends. He’s generally a bit shy.

   The thing is, I really like this guy and want to give things a real shot. We have a lot of fun together, shared goals/values, and are deepening our emotional connection. Any advice for dating someone who has never really had a serious relationship and helping him open up more?

7. Three dates in over a span of 2.5 weeks, all were very good. We were intimate a couple of times and it went great.
   We have two more dates plans already, the earlier is this Sunday. When we’re together, I can feel he’s is into me and his actions back it up.

   But in between dates we’re only in contact if I initiate texting. He answers within a minute always, but rarely starts the conversation.
   I don’t get it. I don’t like it. It turns me off completely and I think it’s a shame.

   I know he doesn’t have much experience in relationships but he’s been dating plenty. Is this a dating strategy? Or is he simply only interested in in-person communication?

8. Even though we haven’t had talks of exclusivity or anything, I’m really liking this woman. She sent me a video message over text earlier today about how thoughts of me distract her during the day. I responded in kind, which is so funny because it’s very true for me too. I perk up whenever she texts.

   Have been smiling like a crazy person all day, so yeah…things are good.

9. In a bit of a noodle scratcher, I mentioned in yesterday’s thread that I was going on a 1st date, it was a lot of fun, we share a lot of interests and tastes but I thought personality wise we were very different and I was right but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

   She’s very extroverted, loves to party on weekends, moves in a lot of social circles and spends a lot of her free time at events etc. Where as I’m more introverted and although I enjoy a bar/pub night, I don’t go out clubbing/partying anymore, I keep a small social circle and more of my free time is spent on hobbies and playing sports. So even though it’s just a first date if we kept going forward although we personally would mesh well, that aspect of our social lives/free time is very different.

   We met up and had a great time just talking and drinking, but the pub closed pretty early and we were having such a great time that she invited me back to her place to have a few more and keeping chatting. As you can imagine one thing lead to another, and we slept together and I stayed the night.

   This morning we go grab a coffee and I make my way home, before I do she gives me her insta so we can keep chatting, but does lead with ‘I should warn you I show off a lot of myself and have a bit of a following just so you know’, and she wasn’t exaggerating at all, thousands of followers and a lot of her being modelling very sexy outfits and alike (for lack of a better description), group shots with friends is much the same too. I’m not judging by any means (if anything shows she is very confident and comfortable about herself) but it did catch me off guard, but also continues my worry that I think our personal lives and how we spend our free time would probably be at odds.

   I’m wondering what to do, part of me looks at the differences and highlights them as reasons we won’t work. Another part says go for a second date but avoid sleeping together again and instead focus on seeing if we click, because although we have these differences it might not be as impactful as I’m making it out to be? Maybe mention these differences I’m noting and see how she feels about it?

   Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

10. Today while at work (and while this may be a defeatist attitude), I randomly had a wakeup call and realized that no woman has ever been mutually interested in me back. I’m 31 years old, never had a girlfriend before and every woman I’ve ever approached has rejected me in some form or another.

    The only dates I’ve ever had were from apps and never went past a 1st or 2nd date. Every woman I’ve ever asked out in person has rejected me. I even remember two times where they gave me their number but ghosted me or gave me a fake number.

    Sometimes I just feel like an alien from another planet with wings or something. Idk wtf is wrong with me that I can’t get a single solitary woman to find me attractive and interesting enough to want to go out.

    I feel like I have so much going for me in life and all I’m missing is a special person to share it with me. Unfortunately, I simply can’t even do the most basic part of dating and get a foot in the door. I’ve tried everything from the cold approach, dating apps, meetup groups, singles events, bars, Facebook groups, board game nights…nothing seems to work for me and no one wants to give me a chance. I’m afraid I’m going to end up being that 50yo single dude who’s never experienced love or dating. 😢

    Rant over.

11. I don’t think i’ll ever let anyone see me naked. I can’t even look at myself or anyone else naked. It makes me super uncomfortable. Sex is definitely off the table !

12. Family member recently passed
    Him and the wife were legit relationship goals but even with that, listening to end of life care stories really established how important it is to find a loving and compassionate partner. End of life partner care is grueling. Also seeing how his children and their spouses are handling the grief shows me how important this is when selecting a partner that you’re not only selecting then in good times, but in bad times. It’s so important to have someone who can pick you up when life feels like it’s falling apart.

    Just thinking out loud.

13. I’m infactuated with my best friend who has recently declined dating because I recently left a LTR. We’ve slept together and been texting almost everyday since, but I’m struggling to let go because I genuinely care for her and want noone else.

    From what I can tell, she’s interested but avoiding anything further out of concern of being a rebound / processing her own issues. I definitely have some unprocessed post breakup emotions to sort, but I want to still pursue this and prove it’s genuine. Considering an exclusive fwb situation because that’s the only way I can see it giving us time to assess the situation and ourselves.

14. I really need to get this off my chest… I had a friend tell me that she saw my old FWB on bumble ‘awhile’ ago and forgot to tell me. It brought up up a lot of old feelings that I thought I was finally starting to get over. Tried to find him on OLD and read some old screenshots, going down a rabbit hole and I’m spiraling. I just realized I’m very much not OK and not ready to start dating again. I very much want a serious relationship and I hate this conundrum I put myself in.

    I had been seeing a guy on and off for over a year. At first, we didn’t really discuss where it was going and we just dived into the physical. After we established that it was strictly physical and he wasn’t looking for a relationship I backed off a bit. He questioned my coldness, asking several times if ‘we were ok’ and if I hated him.. and it was obvious that he wanted the gf treatment without the title.. texting every day to talk, cutesy nicknames, teasing, memes etc. This went on for three months. But he never let anything get too personal, never divulged anything too personal about himself. It was mostly personal from my side. We always met at hotels. Said I didnt see him alot because he was working alot and taking care of his daughter. I tried to explain that if we were just hooking up I didn’t want to get too involved because things would get messy. He seemed to understand but didn’t change anything. Our physical relationship was intense, and a lot of consent issues were never addressed. We were having unprotected sex multiple times a month. Stupidly, I just brushed it off because I was enjoying myself after a long dry spell. After awhile, def later than it should have, warning bells started to go off, and I did some digging and I found out he was married. I gave him the opportunity to disclose to me and straight up asked him what was the deal with his ex.. and he said it was a long story. Nothing more. Couple of more weeks goes by and we get into a tiff again about conflicting intentions, and I ended up called him shady because I knew he was married and he continued to lie to me by omission. He basically said it was none of my business and I had no idea what was going on and we stopped talking for two months.

    He texted me out of the blue and insisted he definitely didn’t want to leave things on bad terms. He wanted to continue seeing each other but I wanted to talk to him, so we met up and I laid down the line and said if he wanted the type of long term physical relationship we had in the past, that I unequivocally needed to trust him and we needed to have a working friendship. He finally opened up with me a bit and told me about the separation with his wife and the contentious divorce/custody battle that was going on. I could tell it really upset him and he told me as much as he could, but I still felt like there was a lot of missing parts and he wasn’t being completely forthcoming with me. Which I understood. I didn’t expect him to spill his entire marriage to me, but I explicitly stated that because of my previous history in relationships that I needed to be sure he would do the right thing by me for my safety and well being if any complications were to happen between us, and if at any time he needed a break, or wanted space, or wanted to start dating other people we could be in the right space to communicate that to each other. Also, if his utmost priority was securing custody and getting out of his marriage with minimal damage… it was in his best interest to keep me in the loop so as to not even accidentally cause him harm in that regard. Supposedly the separation had been going on for a year and a half and she had moved out of the house, but she still had access to his house and the ring cameras, which is why we always went to hotels. She had the tendency to show up randomly and change custody days last minute to accommodate her schedule which is why he was so inconsistent with me. He painted her to be completely batshit crazy. His mantra from this point on was that he wanted to find a ‘path to peace’ and now he hoped that I understood why he couldn’t date anyone or ‘see’ anyone because it wasn’t fair to the other person. (trust me, the retroactive irony of this statement has not been lost on me)

    During this time we started talking again, and things got better. I felt more comfortable and that we were becoming closer friends. We started to explore more sexually. We talked almost every day and saw each other a couple of times. He cancelled on me once last minute (first time since we started seeing each other). After I had already bought a room and it was non-refundable. Supposedly he had a fever. I let it go. It wasn’t until I got into a major car accident and was robbed of a lot of cash by someone at the accident scene that things got bad and I noticed a distinct change. I called him for support because I was genuinely going though a hard time. He got very off put by this. Saying I was getting too close, and that he would always be there for me to vent but he also had a lot on his plate and was very vague on what was or was not acceptable to ask of him. This honestly was a repeating pattern, there were several times I told him I wasn’t a mind reader because he would get frustrated with me for not picking up on some cue that he wanted space because he would tell me the same vague things over and over about how busy he was. Some times he would say x or y happened.. and continue business as usual.. and other times it was too much for him and would lash out at me. I could never tell the difference and stated this several times. But anyway, I was really hurt. I needed a friend. I accused him of not caring and he mistook this that I was looking for boyfriend status and he was very clear from the beginning etc etc… He said he wanted some space and 5 weeks later we started seeing each other again. Over the next five months, there was a two times he accused me about me taking digs at him which I thought was part of our normal banter but he was misinterpreting it as trying to guilt him into a relationship, which I never asked for. Each time I apologized and clarified my wording, asked him to be more clear about his needs and we continued on.

    The last time I saw him, things were good.. and not so good. We had a lot of really deep convos about our lives, but there was a mishap that triggered me and I ended up sobbing out of pain. He held me to calm me down but never apologized. Just kept saying he never meant to and would always ask for consent. That it was an accident. After awhile we continued and did our normal wind down. He was very affectionate the rest of the night into the morning and held me (which he never did), whispered that I was his baby in my ear. I melted. The next day, I said I was in pain and he reiterated the same thing he did the night before. Never asked if I was ok, didnt say he was sorry. I knew if I pushed to talk to him about it he would bail. I couldn’t bring myself to stand up for myself because I didn’t want him to leave. This was when it finally hit me I caught feelings and I was in trouble. It was the week before my birthday. He said he *really* wanted to see me for my birthday the next week, but wasnt sure about scheduling bc wife/court/work etc. All I said was please let me know ASAP because I was also trying to make plans. Convos remained about the same.. perhaps a bit deeper than usual. We talked about having good chemistry together but I didnt push the conversation further. I asked him to hang out and he declined. He kept stringing me along about making plans.. and then when I expressed my frustration he said ‘there I go again’ and I asked if he didn’t want to see me anymore he exasperatingly that he had other things going on and he wasn’t going to go into this right now.

    2 Months go by. Radio silence. I texted him a few times to check in… and finally he gets back to me… I dont even know how to describe it. He basically said he didn’t want to drag things out and insinuated he had expected me to just go away eventually. I asked if he wanted me to stop contacting him. He said he “was just trying to find his path to peace so yeah he’s just gonna do that..” I was crushed. Completely crushed. I haven’t talked to him in 6 months. I thought I was finally making headway… convincing myself that starting off our situationship on a lie by omission was bad enough to begin with, then the consent issues, rug sweeping, mixed signals, and how he ended things should be more than enough to hate him. But I don’t. I miss him. It’s toxic. I hate everything about this situation, and hearing he’s out online looking for something else to fill the void because I was too much trouble just kills me inside. My friends are giving me the generic he’s such a piece of trash just get over him already!! treatment. Believe me, if it were that easy I would. Sometimes someone just hits different. I tried so hard to communicate effectively and set my boundaries. I failed. I wish therapy wasn’t so damned expensive, like everything else in the world right now.

    Thanks for whoever read this word vomit.

15. I started using online dating apps a few weeks ago. I am already exhausted. I did connect with a guy i generally like a week ago. He says he is sn open book. He messages me every other day or so. We haven’t had a consistent chat. I know he loves his job and he commutes over an hour away for it. I notice that i mostly ask questions. He seems interested. We are at the point where we call each other cute nicknames that our families also use.

    I would like to continue to get to know him. Other guys ive matched with are quickly engaging and fun. Should i say something to him? I feel like im being kept in the background.

16. Anyone stay with someone that they didn’t feel a spark with? how did that turn out?