My partner 33,m wants to move in next month. We talk all the time about us living together and I 30,f genuinely wanted him to, but when I sit down and think about it, the fact that we have been on and off for 4 months, freaks me out.

When he is here with me, he hardly offers to help me with any chores and he usually comes over on a Friday night until Sunday evening, every weekend. I prefer he come over on a Saturday so I still have time to myself but I notice he has been more pushy about coming on a Friday and after a long stressful week of work, I am rushing to make sure the house is clean and that I am ready for company, which can be so exhausting. By Friday night, all i want to do is pour a glass of wine, grab some snacks and just soak in a bubble bath – not have to be in a good mood because my partner is coming around – I just need to unwind.

I do expect him to help me clean. Whether it is washing his coffee mug or washing dinner/lunch dishes, asking if he can sweep/mop, whatever, I expect some sort of help of which he offers none and it’s made me realize that if he won’t offer to clean and cannot cook, then… we have a problem.

I usually cook because I LOVE it, but he also buys a lot of take out and I do not want to eat take out when I am not cooking (once or twice a week is fine).

I proposed we do a trial live in for a week, in which we see what it feels like to work from home together, go to the office (we work together too) and travel together, basically do a week of normal everyday life stuff and see how we feel, he is not happy about this.

I told him he doesn’t need to move all his belongings in for that week, just the things he needs.

He is NOT happy about it though. I told him that we have a lot to discuss about living together , like budgets, chores, cooking, alone time, etc and I do not want to be his mom (he still lives at home while I live alone in my rented apartment). The change for him will be huge and having him in my space all day, all the time, will also be huge.

Any advice on how I can handle this would be appreciated, I do not want to hurt him or our relationship but the risk is just too big. I will be the first live in relationship for him and when i told him that we need to think about things carefully he got upset because I did not think this hard before living with other partners (only lived with 2 partners in the past) – I told him I have learned from my mistakes and know that this is a huge commitment for us both so this is why I am being so cautious. He finds that this is a slap to our relationship.

48 comments

  1. Don’t do it. You really don’t know someone after 4 months. He sounds like a hobosexual.

  2. Aussie man here.

    I think you are correct in being cautious because you want this to work for both of you.

    You are on the right track with discussing chores etc. It is very important to set boundaries early in the relationship – what he can contribute to the relationship and what you will bring as well. It is true that a couple should not do everything together. That way when you are apart you can miss the presence of the other person and the relationship can grow.

    He may not like the chat but putting boundaries in place now will save you from heartache later.

    I hope this helps.

  3. Strongly urge you not to do it. His defensiveness should tell you everything you need to know – he has no intention of being a good cohabiting partner. The fact that he lives at home is further proof that he sees this as an opportunity to change his lifestyle, not advance your relationship.

    Your instinct to doubt is correct. Four months is not enough time to be sure about the relationship either. Stick to your guns and if he wants to end things because of it, let him walk (chances are, he expects you to give in before breaking things off)

  5. He’s going to move in and you will become his mom. One should never move in until after the relationship honeymoon phase which is at least a year. Until then he should be learning to help clean up after himself on the weekends and understand that you have a need for alone time.

    Never move in when there’s this on again-off again nonsense happening.

  6. This is my current situation, except it’s my girl that is the one who mentioned/asked several times to move in with her within 2-3months of dating. I told her I don’t know you that well and vice versa. I made a deal with her that we’d AT LEAST speak about it at our 6 month mark. (Even 6 months to me is WAY too early but still, at least we set a time to just speak about it).

  7. He’s being so weird about it, like pushing himself into your home. That’s awful, I know I’d be instantly turned off by this behavior

  8. He make a lost less money then you – BE CAREFUL, he can afford his rent and is going to use you

  9. No. Do not do it. People put up fronts all the time for years, you do not know this person.

  10. Yeah he’d rather live with you then his mom. He thinks you’ll take care of him and have sex with him. I’d step way back and tell him he can’t come over until Saturdays so you can have your Friday nights.

    Your post history is a bit concerning. It seems like your relationship has been rocky and full of doubts from the start?

  12. You guys just dont seem very compatible bottom line. This seems short term potential and thats it. Not Long term worthy at all.

  13. Everyone is saying exactly what I was going to say. Don’t do it. I moved in with my boyfriend after 6 months and after only living together for 3 months I realized who he really was. I had no idea how abusive my boyfriend really was. I wouldn’t recommend moving in together until at least a year. Get to know each other. There is no rush

  15. NO, No, no. 4 months is not long enough.
    And what is his reason for not wanting the one week trial?
    Has he stated clearly and unequivocally he will be paying half of all the expenses? Or did he say something vague like “I’ll help you out” Or, did he not volunteer at all?
    NO.

  16. Girl I’m feeling smothered just reading this. Y’all work together and then your time alone is being filled with him too? Blegh. Definitely pump the brakes. It’s too early for most relationships and it’s going to put a strain on things while you’re still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. I’d love to say just put it off and enjoy where you are at with the relationship now, but he’s pushing your boundaries about when to come over. Stick to them. Also if he’s not going to contribute and just expect you to do all the cooking and cleaning one day, that’s a big no from me dawg.

    Out of mommy’s house and into new mommy’s house. Hard pass. He can go live alone and learn how to be an adult. Such a bizarre thing to say about someone that age. The whole thing just gives me the squicks.

  17. You’re handling this well. Don’t do it. You say he’s your BF in the title but you also say you’re are on and off, which is it? Why does he want to move in so early?

  18. Do not do this! Of course he’s pushing to move into your place. He’ll benefit significantly. Instead of his mommy taking care of him he’ll have to take care of him, while you’ll be responsible for everything, because it’s your place. But he’ll make himself at home regardless and expect you to do all the cleaning, laundry and cooking. He’s been spending weekends there and hasn’t once offered to do any manual labor/chores? That’s very telling of what he expects and what he’s willing to do. You’ve known this guy for 4 months. That’s not nearly long enough to know if you’re even compatible let alone co-habitation ready. He’s in his mid thirties but hasn’t lived on his own yet?? Huge red flag. Don’t expect him to know how to be a responsible adult because he never has been. He’s probably always had a woman to take care of him and handle all the physical, financial and emotional workload.

  19. NO, NO, NO. This dude is 33 and still lives at home, his parents are probably pressuring him to move out but rather than do it on his OWN, he wants to take the easy way out and move in with a bang maid that will cook and clean up after him. The fact that he is not respecting your boundaries and insists he stays over fri-sun is a big red flag. Me personally, I would break up with him over this.

  20. It sounds like you’re the one who has everything going for you and he really is just deadweight looking to latch on to a good thing so he can coast while having all his needs met, fine with letting you do all the heavy lifting.

  21. I mean this in the most respectful way RUN!! It’s not just the fact that he want to live together so soon but that’s he’s being a disrespectful about it. If he’s like this now I sincerely doubt that will change after you move in together

  22. It’s also I bit of a red flag that he doesn’t want to discuss the details- especially around sharing bills and doing chores and these tend to be the things that break up relationships.

  24. Don’t let him move in if this is how you feel and how he acts.

    My boyfriend started slowly staying over more days a week/ longer time periods. Right now he’s here 6 days a week, 1 day home. He cooks, he cleans, he brings me food I like from the supermarket, he even scoops my cat’s shit. I never had to ask him to do a single thing, he thinks it’s normal to do all of this when you’re practically living together. I would have never even thought about letting him move in if I was the one who has to do all the cooking and cleaning. I have zero aspirations to become a housewife, a maid or the mother of a man-child.

    You should have no doubts about living together. If you have doubts, discuss everything with him and do the trial period. Right now it sounds like he wants to live with you so he does NOT have to cook and clean anymore. Guess that’s not what you want right?

  25. You are dating a 33 year old man that lives at home, cannot cook or clean. Why? Because his mommy does that for him. Run.

  26. Don’t do it. You’re on and off again and it’s only been 4 months. That’s already a DO NOT DO THIS red flag. Like stop right there. But beyond that, he doesn’t help out when he’s over on the weekends. Usually in the beginning people are on their best behavior. When my boyfriend came over on the weekends, he helped clean up his messes. He helped cooking our meals, doing dishes after we ate, he picked up what he left around, etc. It was a big green flag because it showed he respected my space, my items, my time and energy, and my labor.

    He’s also pushy and doesn’t respect your needs and wants. He puts what he wants above your needs by coming over on Friday rather than Saturday. That’s also a big red flag. It isn’t going to get better living together when you’re spending so much time together. I really think he’s just going to keep stomping on your boundaries and putting his wants above your needs and that isn’t fair for you.

    He wants to rush into it without doing the due diligence of discussing how living together will work. That’s a very important thing to do before living with someone. You both need to make your wants and expectations clear and be able to agree. That’s the first step of moving in together. But this whole scenario is a big red flag all together. If you let him move in, I bet in 6 months you’re going to want him OUT. and it’s hard to get someone out when you live together. Think it through. I strongly suggest not moving in together right now. And don’t let him strong arm you into this.

  27. No offense but does your boyfriend sound like a partner to you. While there’s nothing wrong with living at home seems to me that his mom has spoiled him a bit. I would take a guess and say if he does move in with you you’re going to be his mom. You’ll have to feed him clothe him and take care of him in general. I would not advise you to allow him to move in until you at least have a talk about shared responsibilities and financial contributions that you will each be responsible for.

  28. Please don’t do it. The list of why you shouldn’t goes on:

    -You’ve been on and off for 4 months (can I ask why?)
    -He’s pushy about it (and lots of other things too)

    -He doesn’t offer to help you with chores or cooking
    -He’s not open to compromise about slowly moving in
    -Immature reaction to you trying to be cautious

    Why are you with this guy?? It really sounds like he’s eager to leave his birth mom and make you his new mommy. Have you been to his home? Does he do any cleaning or cooking at home?

    Edit: I just looked at your post history. Dead lord, he’s nothing but bad news. I urge you to end this relationship.

  29. If you let him move in, you will absolutely regret it.

    He hasn’t moved in and he’s pushing your boundaries re: Friday night, and he doesn’t offer to help with chores.

  30. This man is competing with how happy you are on your own.

    He steam rollers over your boundaries, expects you to be his mom and take care of everything, and wants you to let him do whatever he wants. You sound absolutely miserable with him in your space.

    You also haven’t even been committed for 4 months- but you’re calling him a “partner?”

  31. Do not let him move in! You are definitely going to be mummy no 2 and you’ll be expected to have sex with him on top. I couldn’t think of anything worse. He sounds very lazy.

  32. RED FLAG!! He cannot clean up after himself. What does his apartment look like, does he cook for you when you go there?

  35. Babe you’ve posted about this guy a million times since he’s been in your life. And I totally get it. But we both know the right answer is to drop this turd. He is going to completely suck the life out of you (if he hasn’t already) and it’ll take years for you to recover and find yourself again. He does not respect you at all (don’t take this personally; he doesn’t really respect anyone) and everything nice that he does is for you to lower your defenses and allow him to walk all over you. The goal is for you to feel lucky that you’re with him so that you don’t leave, when in reality he’s actually the worst possible thing for your self-esteem and quality-of-life.

  38. TL:DR: It sounds like you are laying a firm foundation with excellent rules. Stick to your guns on this.

    Hardly offering to help with chores and especially being pushy are extreme red flags of immaturity or a setup to see temper tantrums. I personally have seen this.

    You say that you have been rushing to make sure your house is clean because you consider him company or you are thinking that you have to be in a good mood for your partner. This is definitely not the life you want to live. Believe it.

    Living with a person you love is a partnership. I believe that you are very mature and that you understand what needs to happen. In order to live with someone, you BOTH have to deal with things up front. And it sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do, and he’s trying to avoid.

    If he’s going to move in and pay rent, then he has to pull his weight as far as cleaning and making sure that everything is in order and cooking. Not just ordering out and leaving things dirty.

    You’ve got to be upfront with him on this. You’ve got to say to him this is a mature conversation between two mature adults and these are the things I expect. Your proposal to trial for a week is smart and absolutely a good way to go. It does happen a lot that women become a substitute mother for men. And it could be the other way around too. There are women who aren’t ready either. If he’s not happy about something, that’s okay, but he needs to be mature about it.

    Facing lifes little hurtles is how we are successful. Knowing what it is that you have to do, thinking about things, laying groundwork and having rules is important. It’s not something somebody should be upset about. If he thinks this is a slap to your relationship, it’s really the other way around because he’s not being mature.

    I’m so sorry, but that’s how I see it. I wish you all the best. My only advice is to stick to your guns. Lay the groundwork carefully & maturely like you’re doing and don’t allow manipulation.

    > the risk is just too big.

    You’re very, very right

  40. Hon, go with your gut. Don’t let this guy move in. You’ll be miserable and you know it. And while we’re at it, I can see several red flags that tell me this guy isn’t the one for you, even if he isn’t living with you. You seem like a nice young woman and I think you can do a lot better.

  42. 4 months is not much – I’d see how you feel at the end of the year OP. You are very much still in the honeymoon stage

  45. You are clearly dating a child. All the info provided here should be presented to him, if he can’t deal then he has more problems than he is willing to admit

  46. he sounds incredibly infantile and all he wants is a new mommy. don’t do this

  47. Your offer to try out for a week couldn’t have been more reasonable and him being upset about it is a frantically waving red flag. It’s fairly clear you will regret it deeply if you lived with him. Honestly he doesn’t even seem ready to live on his own… Which says a lot for someone at the age of 33. I’m not even starting with the fact that it’s a 4 month on & off relationship… Ooof. Don’t do this to yourself.

  48. You don’t even want him as a bf. He doesn’t take your VERY reasonable and generous 1 week trial. He can’t do BASICS like cleaning.

    I recommend you shunt him into FWB territory. There is no future here. Unless you want to be his mom

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