I’m a bit of a mess so it’s best to sort out my thoughts and see how it looks to others that aren’t blinded by being on the inside of my situation.
The last month has been good, not great. But good.
So here’s the back story. The usual situation, he was amazing in the beginning and turned into an asshole plot. He was very threatening and manipulative and verbally abusive. For months. And I stayed because I honestly just felt my love was enough, that he would get better (and he did) but now I’m looking at myself differently, if that makes sense?
The whole thing caused me a great deal of trauma and pain. My anxiety grew and now I’m dealing with depression because of everything. My education has suffered from it, and my sleep.
For examples he would call me loser, stupid, and accuse me all the time of cheating on him (he was cheated on in the past…so was I, but not by each other) he wanted to break up every other week. At one point grabbed me and pulled the ring off my finger.
I feel disgusting that I stayed thru all that. But now that there is improvement I feel guilty if I leave. So I brought up to him that I feel couples therapy is necessary if we plan on moving forward. He said my issues are my own and I need to learn to just drop them
Yes. Very insensitive, I know. I explained to him as it may be easy for him to say such things since he is as not on the receiving end of the hurt. He kept saying couples therapy isn’t needed for him if I’m the one that needs help.
We went back and forth for a while. I accepted that he would not be willing to do what’s necessary to move forward, in my eyes he was not valuing the relationship as I do. I dropped it and regretted opening up to him.
He later agreed to do it and go to counseling.
I still feel uneasy. I just want us to go together so that we can deal with the pain and learn from it and grow. I need it too to get some help on recovering, and he needs to learn to take responsibility.
I feel like I’m still the one putting in the effort to make this work.
Thanks for reading. I know it’s a mess and not much detail. I’m just a little lost and don’t know how I feel to be honest.
TL:DR; fiancé (38M) was abusive in the past to me (30F) and was being stubborn on going to couples counseling with me.
4 comments
Go to therapy on your own. Explain that you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out.
Going with him will only teach him how to abuse you better.
Your fiancé wasn’t abusive in the past.
Your fiancé is abusive.
Your fiancé will be abusive in the future.
It doesn’t need more detail.
You are 100% delusional if you think he has changed or that he is going to change because you had a comparatively mediocre few weeks.
Here’s the thing… clearly your fiance can force himself to act like a good guy. However, it’s important to note that he’s *forcing* himself to act respectfully; what he *wants* to do when he’s not consciously keeping himself under tight discipline is insult you and ignore your concerns.
Ask yourself how long can he suppress his actual nature? How long will he?
Honestly, this guy doesn’t seem like a good deal for you. Ask yourself this question: *How do I want to be treated?* Do you really think that this guy is going to treat you that way long-term?
Break up with him and go to therapy on your own.