Hello, I (25f) am a SA victim and have experienced a lot of trauma in the past. I am also very kinky and an extremely horny person. I have explored quite a lot solo and know what I like, and want to play with other people as well. But anytime I begin talking to men they suggest casual sex/fwb these days (it’s for some reason So hard to find anyone who wants to commit now) , and i dont think emotions can be seperated from something so intimate when trauma is involved. I believe the other person needs to know me and understand me on a good level to know what’s ok/not ok to do and what could trigger me and what should be done about it.
I am not someone who just unloads it all on someone’s head, I like clear open communication and i want someone who does the same. And I’ve heard it before and yes I go to therapy, but while it can make things easier to manage, it does not take away what has happened to you.
Anything casual about sex feels like the men are either lazy in bed Or avoid all responsibility and sometimes respect for the other person. Am I missing something? Is there a way for me to still engage in this? If I can see this in a new light maybe? Please dont be harsh, I am really trying
I’m also curious to know the kind of experiences men have with casual sex and the kind of experiences women do.
Thank you. Please dont be mean 🙂
11 comments
No honestly you aren’t and don’t let people shame you for it , casual sex isn’t for everybody and it certainly isn’t for me . I can’t remove sex from being an intimate act but I Love sex and have a high sex drive but I’ll only have sex with someone I know can trust, have feelings for and if we are committed to each other. If you have trauma it’s the best way to protect yourself and it shouldn’t be a shameful thing to not engage in casual sex. Find someone who will trust and respect you and keep up with your desires- trust me there are people out there for you.
Are you missing anything good by not experiencing casual sex? Yes, but so are most people who have had casual sex. Sex can be purely an exploration of pleasure but to have a good time you have to have a good partner and the reality is that most people who would care about your experience enough are not the type of guys to want a one time adventure to begin with. I think a long term friends with benefits arrangement is far better.
Nope. You aren’t. As a woman who has given it plenty of chances over the past 2 decades.. you’re not missing much at all.
There’s nothing that compares to intimacy with someone who knows and loves you, who you know and love.
For me.. casual sex is like feeling hungry and someone hands you 2 slices of bread with no filling. Sure, you might feel less hungry, but it wasn’t satisfying or nourishing, and likely left you feeling disappointed.
From what I’ve heard from every single one of the women among my friends, all you’re missing out on is at best meh sex, and at worst a chance to collect even more trauma and sexual assault.
The evidence appears to quickly piling up (as described by smarter people than me in books and academic studies they reference) that although the sexual revolution in the mid 20th century resulted in a great many good and wonderful things, the hookup culture of today which descended from it has been a catastrophe for women’s wellbeing on average. If this is indeed the case, then very few find the fun, fulfilment and carefree adventure in it that they set out to find – though the experiences of those few who do are still valid of course. They’re just not typical.
I do not have any trauma and I still can’t do casual sex and I am absolutely okay with it. For me it is something intimate and I need trust and emotional connection.
Tried it in college. Feels hollow and empty, quite meaningless and I never orgasmed because I had no mental connection with him.
A consistent partner, boyfriend or otherwise, is much better.
I engage in casual sex because I was in a relationship for 21 years and have always had a strong sex drive. But I keep it open because I’m worried about finding a partner like my last that started with a good sex drive, but then fell off big time. Also when I have sex with someone, I am very respectful and get to know them as best as I can before getting physical. Not all men just hit it and go. I like to continue the friendship. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck to you.
Had two female friends who told me about their ONS. One said she didn’t like it at all. The other felt excited about it after it happened, but the next day felt disappointed when she saw the guy at school the next day and he completely ignored her. Perhaps trying a ONS once might help you better understand it, but I think most women aren’t too keen on it. The few who are either have some unresolved trauma or they genuinely just enjoy it (but I think those are rare and you would already know if you were one of those, which doesn’t sound like you are).
Me as a guy have never engaged in casual sex, though I would like to try it out. But instinctively it doesn’t sound as fun because I prefer deep connections with all of my relationships — platonic and family. I just want to be able to have consistent sex, so I’ve got issues of my own in struggling to even get women in the first place, lol.
As someone who genuinely loves casual sex, no you’re not. It’s not for everyone. I happen to be wired well for it, but a lot of my frienfs struggle with the emotional distance. So they don’t enjoy casual sex. I like it because I enjoy it. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t make yourself do it.
I’m male and only like committed sex. There’s safety and comfort and peace of mind.
Different for everyone. Some people like it, some don’t. You’re missing out on the physical feeling I guess but if that’s not particularly important to you then no, you’re missing nothing. It’s mostly gross and stressful imo although I’m into women. It’s probably way more risky if you’re straight