We have been married for two years.
First of all, I know this may sound like a total crap but I am really not a jealous person…My husband has lovely friends with who he has coffees and sometimes go out. One time he went out and got back home with lipstick stain on his cheek and it was one of his friends and it was totally ok with me…This is just an example to how cool I am with certain situation and how I have trust in him and his female friends…Of course, he goes out with his female coworkers as well but this one hit different. He went out to have coffee with his coworker from another town (she dm him and said she is there to visit her friend and asked him if he is available to grab a coffee). He worked as a doctor and had a shift but had time and he went with her in front of the hospital….She is a very attractive girl and then the rumors started that he is cheating me with her…He didn’t tell me about that coffee until I said I heard rumors and he said it is because the girl is 10/10 (he once rated me 7/10 and I hate rating ppl) and people are mean and they picked up wrong vibe…He said it didn’t mean anything and that he didn’t do anything wrong. I believe him but my gut says he is attracted to her and I am not ok with him having coffee with girl who he was in a gray zone with (he admitted to having crush on her before and he has complimented her to me )…Am I asking to much and being dramatic? I tried to talk to him but he gets really upset and doesn’t understand where I am coming from. What would you suggest ?
43 comments
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He just told you the girl is a 10 to justify cheating rumors. He didn’t deny them so yeah there’s a concern. He didn’t do anything to make you feel better. Instead he disregarded you because he doesn’t care about your feelings. He wants to spend time with her whenever he can. Having coffee in a public place at work in front of everyone is fine. But scheduling to meet up alone when you are attracted to each other is a date. Get a PI. The age gap is already concerning.
Stop trying to be the cool wife. He’s a cheater.
Have you sat him down and told him exactly how you feel about all this and why? That would be a good place to start. If he gets defensive or continues to deny or gaslight, then it’s time to go see a marriage and family counselor. The fact that he had a crush on her, believes she is more beautiful, and never resolved his feelings for her are all great big bright red flags. Discussing this with a therapist will help avoid arguments and will help smooth the communication out.
You also might want to pay a visit to an attorney to find out your rights in your state if you do plan to divorce at some point. Don’t wait and be unprepared if he decides at some point to surprise you with unwelcome news…
You married a man who is very clearly into younger women by quite a bit and are now shocked he is attracted to a younger woman?
OMG -she’s a 10/10 and people picked up the wrong vibe ??? That sentence right there tells you that they were acting cozy. He is lying to you. He liked her but they live in different towns so it wouldn’t work ? Cheating is. just. physical ?? He is cheating.
Sounds like you aged out and he’s looking for the next you. Which shouldn’t be surprising. I will never understand why this is surprising to people
buy an apple air tag and put it in his car, it will tell you everything you need to know, sounds like he´s a cheater also he´s an idiot for rating you the wife 7/10 but a coworker 10/10, insert rihanna´s song “you look so dumb right now”
What kind of husband rates his wife as a 7/10 and then goes on to rate another woman (who he’s had a crush on) as a 10/10? I recognize there are other people who we can recognize are attractive as well, but that’s such shit
Your first mistake was thinking you were cool for allowing your husband to come home with lipstick on him.
You allow an inch of disrespect, people will take it and run laps. Pregnant or not.
Why would you be okay with your husband coming home with lipstick on him? This reeks of “ I’m not like other girls”. Your not the cool wife, your the wife who gaslit herself into thinking this behavior was okay. I’m sorry no advice, I couldn’t get passed the im not jealous part. Jfc.
A 44 year old man and still “rating” women. He screams douche even before the cheating allegation. Just by what you’re writing, I’d say get your ducks in a row and plan to leave his behind. He’s most certainly at the very least flirting and I highly suspect he IS cheating.
She is way too young to be a friend!
Recently been through this. I told my husband not to put himself in a position that could tempt him and to not put me in a position that I would distrust him. Have you had this conversation?
this whole thing is gross and sad. there’s a reason why a man child goes after younger women. it’s just unfortunate you found after getting married. run while you can, take out the trash, let him be another person’s problem.
You’re still with him after he rated you a 7 and her a 10???
I have to wonder what was the purpose of him telling you that shes a 10/10 and that he has a crush on her. Is it to make you more insecure about yourself? To strike a fear in you?
I can’t think of any other reasons. Anyways, I can’t tell you if he’s physically cheating on you (yet) but his behaviour is not acceptable nor appropriate at all. This “cool wife” thing you have there is just you gaslighting yourself into believing that somehow that will keep him from straying away from you- which it won’t.
He’s really just the stereotypical “MD as God”, in the midst of a mid-life crisis, still trying to convince himself he’s “all that” to to young women (Leo DiCaprio syndrome).
Sadly, to feed his pathetic ego, he’s dragged you into the middle of his delusions, denigrating you to feel superior.
Please don’t allow him to continue treating you as though you are lucky to be with him. You are special and worthy, with a lot of life still to be had.
Find out your options from an attorney. Not saying you have to file for divorce, just prepare yourself. Don’t live the rest of your life pretending to be “cool”, actual BE your best you…most likely without him.
i would leave
Lets do some quick estimations here. You were 8 months pregnant at the time, so lets say with ur husband about a year, and lets say u were in relationship for a year before u married.
She was 24 and he was 42 with a crush? this is me being nice and using her highest possible age at the time of his crush (which I’m prob wrong).
REGARDLESS. WHY TFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
OP, you are only 30. drop him and find someone else. he is a FUCKING CREEP.
As a 45 year old male i would not consider dating or marrying a 26 or 30 year old. Your hubbys a creeper
Wow. Who’d have thought that a man who married someone 14 years his junior would start creeping on an even younger woman after rating her a 10/10? I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you. 🙄
Your husband is a pig. File for divorce.
I’ve caught up with old flames before and it’s ALWAYS been a case of me telling whomever I’m currently with about it because it was just a harmless cup of coffee.
Nobody here has a clue if he did (or is planning on doing) anything wrong but the secrecy and dismissing your very valid concerns are a red flag for sure
Unfortunately doctors have a notorious reputation for a reason, in fact it’s the same reason men tell other men not to get involved with nurses.
I know someone who supposedly went to lunch with a co-worker, the people who saw said they were acting cozy… guess what? Turns out they were having an affair. So if people tell you it looked like he was cheating on you, girl they were reading their body language and it was not business like.
He’s 44 and rating women? That tells us plenty about how he views women. You’re 30, so a 14 year age difference? Next you’ll tell me he’s one of those guys who feels women after 30 are old?
You know those good friends you’re ok with who leave lipstick stains, after they go out together? Really, these ‘friends’ he goes out with – why? Why without you? Are you sure those lipstick stains aren’t possibly women leaving their mark deliberately on him to send a message? You need to re-evaluate how good their friendship is really.
Back to sexy 10/10 – she sent him a DM and off he went to spend time with her? Was it business related? Is she a medical sales rep? Does she work at a hospital? See its weird she messaged him to meet her. It is at the very least disrespectful that he went to meet up with a woman he describes as his perfect woman. If he found her attractive and has a crush on her he should not be messaging with her and meeting her.
What should you do? You tell him no messaging, no meeting or going out with other women.
Eww, he’s trying to cheat. Unless a bunch of people from the office went, I wouldn’t allow this. He deserves to be dumped.
You’re trying too hard to be the “perfect understanding wife” and your husband is taking advantage of your trust.
I would not be happy with this situation. I’m making a lot of assumptions from minimum information here but given that age gap and his fondness of meeting up with women from work, I’d assume your husband was a bit predatory.
Would he be okay with you meeting up with men you have had a crush on in the past, and openly admit are more attractive than your husband?
I’d suggest he date people his own age. Except. . .they wouldn’t date him.
Sounds like he goes for younger women in general and you’ve aged out of the relationship now you’re 30.
Plus side, she will also age out of the relationship once her 20s are done and at his age, it will become more difficult in future for him to trap another 20-something and your kid will be first in line for the child support he will have to pay.
You’re not being cool, you’re being gullible. He, on the other hand is a cheater.
I’m 43 years of age and I cannot imagine a situation where I would have a coffee with a 26 yr old. What the fuck is he even doing chasing women in their early 20s when he’s in his mid 40s?? That’s firmly in dirty old man territory. Gross.
The age gap says it all. He is a creep, and you are not crazy even if he tries to make you feel like it.
>…This is just an example to how cool I am with certain situation and how I have trust in him and his female friends
You should stop being so cool with it and start setting boundaries.
Is there somewhere you can stay for a while to clear your head? You need to decide if 26 year old “friends” and sneaky “not-dates” are something you’re willing to put up with for the rest of your life. And if you want your child’s model of a relationship to be, Mommy is always sad and angry and Daddy is always out with his pretty friends.
You’re having a baby with a 44 year old who still rates people out of ten?
He should have given that up more than 20 years ago.
your husband is cheating by not even telling you & its disrespectful. spouses in love DO NOT do this crap coz it hurts.
Pull your breaks on your coolness with him – NO MORE CHILL wife or you gonna lose him & start putting on boundaries to him.
sit him down & ask him – how would he feel if you go & have coffee with a 10/10 guy, compliment the guy to him, didn’t tell him of the coffee session & your office mates are spreading rumors that you are cheating on your husband? – he probably already have a lawyer on speed dial.
I suggest you get a postnup if you don’t have a prenup as your husband is cheating.
lawyer up, withdraw all money from all joint accounts & best to hire a PI.
people are already talking about him cheating so I guess this is not his first rodeo.
honey no fire no smoke. I bet the lipstick stain on his cheek is really from his cheating. at the end of the day you allow it so now you better be ready for war.
btw is your husband a 10/10 or only gold diggers are around him/just because he is a doctor?
You’ve been married 2 years, so I’m guessing you dated at least a bit before that… you’re 30 now…. sounds like you’re aging out of his range. Congratulations on the baby! I hope it has a present father figure too
I’m not gonna lie this is cheating and your husband sounds like dick.
He is not only going out with women and sounds like he is just a playboy, but he actually likes that people say that he is cheating.
Rating girls especially your wife?! Wtf! Rating your wife or girlfriend especially lower than 10/10 is just disrespectful and degrading. Does it feel good when he tells you that he thinks you are less attractive than others? Would you tell him if you see an attractive guy that he looks more attractive than your husband?
It just a dick move no matter what others say.
I would reavulate how he treated you in other areas, because just from this he seems an immature dick.
It doesn’t matter if he understands or not.
So I’m a very openly sexual person. I don’t associate sex with love so jealousy is difficult for me to comprehend in that way. HOWEVER, that doesn’t give me right to invalidate the feelings of my partner.
If my partner is not comfortable, that’s it. If monogamy is what my partner wants, that’s what happens. I wouldn’t have remained with him if that was something I couldn’t live with. Just because I don’t understand how he feels, doesn’t mean I don’t listen, learn, and validate those feelings. I WANT to understand where my partners lines are. If you can’t voice boundaries, then you have nothing.
You are ok with every other female friend that he has. You were never jealous of any of them. Just this one has you jealous. You have a feeling. Trust your gut. It never steers you wrong.
There is a reason that you have a feeling there’s something different with this one. More than likely that is because there is.
Not only that, but he didn’t deny it. He just said she’s a 10 out of 10 where he rated you a seven out of 10. That right there is a douche move to begin with. You always say your wife is a 10 out of 10 not somebody else.
Follow your gut. Trust your gut. There’s a reason why you’re not comfortable with this girl.
he sounds like he sucks. i mean i could say it with a better explanation and point out all the reasons i think so. but that’s the sum of it. you deserve a guy who thinks you’re a 10
Your husband is fuckin trash
No, just no. My husband was having an emotional affair and it was them meeting up like that. Any lipstick or rating would have been a straight off divorce for me. Pregnancy or not.
My husband knows if the an EA happens again then I’m taking our 10 year old and he can get out of our house and pay support.
There is no way I’m putting up with rubbish like that again.
He must be rich af. My besties aunt is married to a millionaire and doesn’t wanna work so she just accepts that she’s getting cheated on. And she’s hot.
Side note – a lot of nba wives I personally know, are the same way, that’s the tea ☕️ half time you during brunches with them. It’s such a normal thing among rich men.
Assuming he’s 44 and pulling 14yrs younger and 18yrs younger. Lol dudes for sureeee loaded, just out of curiosity, did you steal him from another woman? Bc that’s usually how it works too, these men are used to that cycle…
Stop trying to be the “cool girl”. It’s just another word for door mat.
Oh he understands where you are coming from. He’s defecting, and pushing back on you. Making this a you problem.
What are your boundaries and values? Is omission a lie?