I think this must sound so selfish out of context and maybe it’s still very selfish even with context. That’s why I came here to read others opinion on this.
Me (22F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been dating for almost two years now. Our main love language has always been quality time, we mostly feel more comfortable expressing our feelings when we spend time together, be it watching a movie, chatting away or just being together in general. We have a long distance relationship, so although we do see each other regularly, most of the time we have our quality time through phone calls, which we’re pretty used to by now.
But I have another love language which is gifting. I love to give random gifts to the people I care about, and of course that applies to him. I give him birthday, christmas, Valentine’s and dating anniversaries presents. Not only that but almost every time I
see something I know he’d like or I know he’s in need and I have the money, I buy it for him. There are times when cash is hard, so I make an effort to make a crafting gift to give him instead, be it a drawing or a crafted album full of pictures of us.
Aside from gifting, but very related to that, I also like to do surprises. The first time we met I surprised him by telling all of his friends to convince him to invite them to his place so I could show up too and meet him in person for the first time. Sometimes, I send gifts to his house without telling him, just to surprise him.
Everytime he comes to my city I go to the bus station to receive him, same thing when he leaves to his town and I accompany him to deliver him as well.
There were times when he was short on cash, so I paid for our meals together, bus rides, and even the bus tickets for him to travel here or for me to travel to his hometown, stuff we normally split.
Anyway, I’m always trying to get out of my way to please him, to help him, to show him that I’m here for him, even if it’s a little sacrifice of my time or money. Just to clarify, I’m not complaining, just stating how I feel comfortable showing my feelings for him.
He loves all of my gifts and surprises and always gets very excited and happy every time, which is also why I do it, because I made him happy by making an effort to show him that I love him and he feels loved.
My boyfriend also has another love language, which is through compliments, sweet words, words of affirmation. He’s always telling me he loves me and that I’m pretty, cute, flirts a lot etc. I’m not always 100% comfortable with it to be honest, not because I think it’s cheesy, but because I’m not used to being so open with telling people I like them or love them for that matter, it’s just how I grew up. I do my best to smile and compliment back, or show that I liked it, because I know that’s how he shows affection and I know that makes him happy to see I’m flustered. His intentions are the best and he has been like that since before we started dating, so I knew how he was like from the beginning.
The thing is, he almost never gifts me or surprises me. I feel loved both by quality time and by receiving gifts, so this is something that started to bother me since I noticed gifts weren’t his thing which was about over a year ago. He gifted me sometimes before we started to date and then after that, the time between gifts has only increased the more time we’ve been dating, to the point where it takes months for him to gift me and only on special occasions, sometimes not even that (he didn’t get me anything on my b-day this year. Or last year).
He surprised me one time when I traveled to his town by airplane and he was expecting me there with a comic book from a series I like after telling me he wouldn’t be able to do it. I can’t express enough how happy he made that day, because knowing how he is, I’d never expect it.
And now it has come to it. I never expect it, and it never comes. Sometimes, on special dates, he tells me he won’t be able to gift me because he has no money. I understand, but it hurts to see that he doesn’t try to craft something or write something or draw something, damn, I don’t know, anything.
It hurt especially this year because he didn’t gift me anything on my birthday, but bought a game for himself on his birthday, while I made an effort to buy him something he specifically asked for.
There is no love letters, no flowers, no surprises when I come to his place, he doesn’t cook me something special (he loves to cook), no surprise dates, he never paid the bill on a single date we went for. Nothing. And it has always been like that.
After almost two years now he doesn’t even receive me in his hometown when I travel there. Before, he’d try to pick me up at the bus station or to take a bus just to be there for me, but now not even that. My sister also lives in his town and she never picks me up or receives me, knowing I can just call an uber to her place. And now he does the same, he knows I know his address, so he just doesn’t appear. Even when he knows my sister also won’t be there, so he isn’t. This hurts me so so so much, because yeah I know his address and I can just call an uber because I’ve done this a million times. But it wouldn’t hurt to be there, just so I can arrive and have someone there waiting for me. It’s so fucking lonely to travel, all by yourself, to a town where your sister and your bf live and none of them is there waiting for you.
He also knows my address. I know he can take an uber and come to my place by himself, but I’d never leave him alone in a bus station of a town he’s not familiar with. Besides, I WANT to see him as early as possible, I wish he felt the same.
The way he started to seem less and less willing to leave his comfort zone for me is making me question our relationship. I know he loves me because he tells me that and shows that through words, but he never does anything different than that. I ask myself if this is what I really want for my future, and if I wouldn’t be happier with someone that shows love in the same way that I do. But at the same time, I feel like I’m being selfish because it feels spoiled to ask for gifts or different demonstrations of love.
I talked to my therapist about this and she told me that while we all have a way to show love, we also have ways to feel loved. I feel loved by receiving gifts and it isn’t my fault that I’m not feeling loved by him when he doesn’t do that.
She told me that while I have to understand the way he shows love and try to be comprehensive, he also has to make an effort to show me love in a way that fits my needs, just like I have to do the same for him.
I agree with her and now I have to communicate my needs to him, and to also find out if he’s feeling loved by the way I demonstrate it so we can better understand ourselves.
But I just feel so nervous about it, I feel like he’ll just listen that I want presents and gifts, and I don’t ever want him to feel like I’m asking him for money, because I’m NOT.
I will accept letters, drawings, a single chocolate, a single flower (he has never given me flowers too LOL), something he cooked for me, like, ANYTHING.
I watch my friends being gifted all the time by their boyfriends and I feel so miserable. There were times that people asked me what my bf got me for a special date and I had to awkwardly laugh it off because he didn’t get me anything.
The situation has come to the point where I don’t even feel like gifting him anymore or planning something special for us, because I don’t feel loved back. I just don’t feel myself, I’m not happy.
But I love him and I want to fix this.
Anyway, I guess this turned out to be more of a rant than anything else. Thank you for reading all the way here. I accept advices and reality shocks, because maybe I’m really being selfish and should just accept things the way they are.
TL;DR: I’m always giving my boyfriend gifts but he never gifts me and this is making me feel off about our relationship
3 comments
I think you are being reasonable and your therapist is right. Say it in a positive way rather than a negative “ie. I feel loved when you do these specific things.” Rather than “you never do these things for me”.
You might want to tell him you’d like to talk about needs that aren’t being met for the two of you.
Explain that you love him and he’s meeting your needs except for gift giving. Since money seems to be an issue try to have a list of ideas for gifts that he could use.
Then ask him if there are needs he has that you could work llon.
Gifts aren’t high on my needs list, but my husband was the world’s worst gift giver. I’m easy please, like plants, homemade soaps, even pretty rocks for my collection. Instead he bought me a vintage moped that cost $1,000. as a birthday surprise. I was so shocked I was speechless when he said I had mentioned wanting a moped. What I’d said was I hated them ever since my father fell on one and broke his collarbone. It was my husband who wanted that year and brand of Moped!
I found I hate to be very explicit with my husband. I gave him a list of things I would enjoy getting. One thing was for him to cook a meal sometimes and surprise me. He did that by cooking fried chicken, potato salad, and picking up a bottle of wine. He put it all in a picnic basket and we went down to the beach for a dinner at sunset.
I still remember that over all the gifts I’ve been given.
>He gifted me sometimes before we started to date and then after that,
the time between gifts has only increased the more time we’ve been
dating
This actually quite common and I heard a lot of women complain about that.
Men at this age are dorks. All of them. No exceptions. 🙂 Yes, I was, too. But there is hope. I am with the therapist, that maybe he just doesn’t understand, how much this is an integral part of a partnership for you. Pick him up where he is. I doubt he knows, that there is something missing for you.