I really dislike myself

So it’s Good Friday in Easter in Australia at the moment, and something is really driving me crazy.

I hate the way I speak, I hate the way I intonate, I hate the way I converse with other people. I experience constant obsessive thoughts about the way that I am perceived by others. I am always guessing and second-guessing, always trying to figure out how others perceive me.

I’m very confused by who I am. I don’t have a strong grasp on how I come across to others.

For context, I am a 21 year old male. I have a good family and decent friends whom I keep in touch with regularly. In many ways, I feel quite socially connected, which I guess makes the situation even more confusing. I am also gay and I feel that this is quite obvious – I am not very masculine (in both looks and mannerisms). I am sensitive and empathetic and can tune into others. I am not very assertive and I have never been comfortable with physical touch and banter that is typically the currency of male relationships.

I am not sure if this is an experience which other males here resonate with, but I sense that others just don’t really give me the time of day. I am articulate and kind but this doesn’t seem to be something that people around me value in men. They don’t dislike me, they don’t have any major problems with me, but I just get this feeling that I’m not worth other people’s time.

My family don’t ask or check on what I’m doing. I am currently seeing a 53 year old man and I feel like such a fraud for hiding this from my parents, but they’d be pretty horrified. I sometimes feel ignored by friends. Throughout school, I was the butt of major jokes and teasing. None of my close friends in those days listened to what I had to say. I have had strangers comment on my physical appearance and mannerisms.

And to top this all off, I dislike who I am and the way I am. I am not sure if this is a common experience.

Please let me know your thoughts.