I’ve been friends with my girl friend Lucy for about a year and a half, been dating for the last 6 months.
Our Relationship is cool for the most part but the one thing that seems to put as at each other’s throat is the relationship I have with her best friend Kate.
Kate is a relatively shy girl who keeps to herself but is very close with Lucy, obviously that’s why they are BFF’s. When I started hanging out with them about a year and a half ago me and Kate became really tight as well.
She would tag along whenever I was hanging out with Lucy and so as not to make her feel like a 3rd wheel i would engage her a lot (to which Lucy had no problem with, we would both do the same as we don’t want her to feel like she’s interrupting anything, she’s also quite sensitive)
That’s how I came to find out that me and Kate have a lot in common, same interests, sense of humour and general train of thought about things. So as the months got by, me and Kate got really tight, we sometimes joke that we have a good cop, bad cop kind of relationship.
On closer observation I think Kate whose a single child raised by a single mother, just never had a close sibling or male like relationship. I get the vibe that she sees me like a big brother she never had and because of our similarities I can sort of bring her out of her ‘shy-shell’ . She’s actually Hella talkative and upbeat if she gets really comfortable around people which can be a problem for her.
Lately however Lucy has said she’s not comfortable with my friendship with Kate and that I ‘give her too much attention’ . She’s gone all the way to claim that I like Kate in a romantic sense. Of course I rubbished those claims as I also see Kate like a little sister of mine but I took Lucy’s feelings seriously as she’s my girl, the problem came with how we are supposed to address this.
Lucy says that I should essentially stop hanging around Kate or talking to her too much. Basically keep our interactions to pleasantries and few words whenever we are around each other.
I disagree because for one it would be awkward and she’d notice something was up (we actually tried this and exactly what I thought would happen, happened, akward moments of silence with Kate repeatedly asking me what was wrong with me and also me ‘ghosting’ her whenever she wanted to hang out with the 2 of us, I would have to excuse myself and abruptly leave & you can just tell she thinks I’m actively avoiding her)
I understand Lucy having the need to feel secure in our relationship but this makes me feel really shitty. Also because Kate is my friend too. Not best friends but we were friends before I started dating Lucy, so it isn’t like Lucy is the only tie between us, we are generally friends as well and I just happen to be dating her BFF.
I’ve tried to tell Lucy that we should be honest with Kate and explain the situation but she says that the problem is me encouraging a close relationship with Kate and things should ‘fix’ themselves so long as I ‘keep my distance’ .
I however feel like my friendship with Kate is getting awkward and weird for no other reason but to safeguard Lucy’s insecurities, the problem is not me or Kate, the problem imo is Lucy.
I have told her She doesn’t want all the 3 of us to have an adult conversation about this because it’ll make her look insecure and threatened which might ruin their BFF relationship. I understand that but there must be a better way than to have me basically keep ghosting and being mute around Kate which will probably harm our relationship.
Lucy thinks me wanting to not ruin my relationship with Kate is proof that I like her. This pisses me off as my opinion is that Kate simply doesn’t deserve the treatment I’m giving her and she’s not a kid anymore either. We can all have this conversation separately or jointly and she can definitely understand that our closeness makes Lucy uncomfortable and things can be toned down organically.
Lucy maintains that the problem is my indulgences and no conversation need be had. I tell her that she’s not being honest and she just wants to hide her insecurities from her BFF and is putting the responsibility (as well as blame for all of this) on me which is unfair.
She then proceeds to say I don’t really want to tone things down with Kate because I like her and hence the cycle of blame and arguements continue.
I feel she’s totally ignoring her own insecurities and being childish since btw she insists that she’s not feeling insecure at all and that she’s also ‘trying to stop me from giving Kate mixed signals’ which then I say, let’s have a conversation with Kate to get rid of any mixed signals BECAUSE I REALLY DON’T LIKE HER LIKE THAT!!!!
she refuses and maintains I keep, keeping my distance.
I’m at my wits end and feel like I’m stuck being a douche to one of my friends just to keep my girlfriend happy and to be honest it’s making me slowly resent her as it feels like she’s willing to see me moppy and pissed off about this if it means she never has to deal with her ‘fears’ of something I’ve repeatedly told her won’t happen as Im into her not her BFF.
It looks like she’ll never trust me on some issues, and I’ve never done anything to suggest I shouldn’t be trusted. Trust is in fact a huge thing for me and coupled with this resentment got me questioning our relationship.
Also Kate being her BFF means she’ll always be there. And I’ll potentially always have to passively ignore her and im like “why should I do this for an uncertain period of time because my girlfriend can’t have an adult conversation with her literal BFF” đ¤Śđžââď¸
Any advice will be appreciated please.
27 comments
It doesnât matter if she is being insecure. While discontinuing a friendship with this other girl might suck. Your partner told you sheâs uncomfortable with your relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Your only valid response is to stop being friends with Kate. Because letâs be honest, if you felt she was too close to a male friend you would be uncomfortable too.
If your friendship with Kate means more to you than your relationship with Lucy than you shouldnât be with Lucy.
It doesnât matter if you think she should admit sheâs being insecure. It doesnât matter if you think your right. It doesnât matter if you think the 3 of you should have a conversation.
Because the truth is her relationship with her friend is different and separate from her romantic relationship with you.
By you fighting for this friendship it makes her feel as if itâs more important to you than her feelings. Which is a worse way to treat your partner than to mildly upset a girl who is not your girlfriend.
I donât give a fuck who I have to upset for my partner. They are who I choose. And if a day ever comes that someone other than my partners feelings are more important to me, Iâll know I should take a long hard look at my relationships.
I understand where you’re coming from, but this just isn’t right.
Your SO should be priority number one and she told you very clearly that she isn’t comfortable with your friendship to another woman. What would you do if it was the other way?
I don’t think OP gets it.
If I were Lucy, with your stubborn attitude about having Kate in your life like that, I would just say why donât you date Kate instead of me and move on. You insist having an honest conversation with Kate but donât you think Kate will just refuse to hang out with you guys after that conversation? You just want to show Kate that your gf felt threatened by her at this point. Because that conversation you want to have will not bring anything else to the table. âHey, Kate. You and I fit so well my gf feels threatened.â Why would Lucy want this? Why would you want this unless you want to try your shot with Kate or just being dumb?
Lucy really doesnât need two people who is walking in a thin line of emotional affair. She deserves better.
youâre real stuck on the âtheyâre best friends, nothing will happenâ thing. best friend cheat with their friends gf/bf all the time. lol.
TBH, This whole situation sounds very wishy washy and it’s hard (at least IMO) too truly know if you’re in the wrong, your gf is being overtly insecure/controlling, or something else. I think specific scenarios or things that you and Kate do that make your gf uncomfortable would be helpful. For anyone to be able to give you better advice and also for you and your gf to sort this issue out.
If your friendship with Kate is truly ***platonic*** then it comes down to what exactly about your friendship makes your gf uncomfortable? Are the two of you too touchy, does the way you two talk to each other/interact come off as flirtatious, do you spend a lot of 1 on 1 time without your gf, do you confide in Kate about your relationship with your gf, does Kate confide in you about her romantic interests/dating, etc.?
Also, if you were to take your friendship with Kate and apply the exact same dynamic to a friendship that your gf might have with your guy bff, how would that make you feel? If you’d be uncomfortable in that situation then it’s up to YOU AND YOUR GF to discuss limiting contact with said friend. This applies to this situation too, aka, your gf asking just you to limit contact with her bff while she doesn’t, doesn’t seem very logical or fair, does that make sense? *edit: IMO, if I was uncomfortable with my partner’s friendship with my bff, I’d not just want my partner to “cut it out” but I’d also be upset/maybe never want to interact with my bff/former bff. If they were truly my bff, they wouldn’t be making me uncomfortable.*
Personally, you/anyone should be able to be friends with however they want, as long as friendships are kept platonic while you are in a relationship. IMO, we/maybe you need more info/context/specifics on what it is about your friendship with Kate that is upsetting to your gf? Being, “too close”, to a friend could be an insecurity on your gf’s part or a fact/problem on your part. Are you both too close to each other because you’ve got a platonic/family/good vibes type of friendship or is it because you both physically touch each other all the time?
I hope this was helpful.
OP, Do your girlfriend a favor…..go for a long walk and get lost. Leave her and her friend alone. You are replaceable. Her friend is not. Quit playing your games and find another victim. You are bad news.
I would not make my partners best friend my buddy. I would be upset if he did that with my friends. I only do things with his friends if he’s there, and he only does things with my friends if I’m there. Period.
You ruined the dynamic together. You need to fix it together. Have a conversation. It’s going to be awkward, but if you’re gf and her are truly best friends, she will understand. If she isn’t, then it wasn’t worth it.
IMO you are the problem. You donât understand that you donât have to resolve Kateâs problems she is grown enough. You are just a friend not her father nor her brother, just the bf of her friend. But obviously you are the Alfa male looking for the convo, arenât you?
Your gf deserves better, it really does sound like you like Kate a lot. You’re pretty much disrespecting her boundaries, you may not see it but from an outside pov it does sound like that, you need to be putting your gf first not her best friend. She’s feeling like a third wheel in her own relationship… yikes how dense are you??
Listen, we only have one POV out of three here, but I think thereâs a good chance that Lucy is picking up that Kate likes you and is encouraged by your actions. But Lucy wants to do her best to keep both her boyfriend and best friend with minimum drama.
Inviting her over so the three of you can talk it out would 100% come across as the couple ganging up on Kate and accusing her of trying to come between you and expect everyone to be chill after. Unlikely. That is not the minimum drama route. The minimum drama route is you stop being a special boy in Kateâs life. Youâre not her big brother, youâre her best friendâs boyfriend.
Of course, this advice is assuming you value your relationship with Lucy over your friendship with Kate, which Iâm not entirely sure is true.
If you truly loved your girlfriend then you do whatever was needed to make her safe and secure. But you donât. Like someone stated you should probably remove yourself from this situation. You donât see what you are doing
You need to tell Kate what is going on. Lucy may not like it but what you are doing is very unfair to Kate.
It is ok to distance yourself because of Lucy, but its horrible to let Kate think it is because of her.
The right answer is for Lucy to get therapy for her insecurities.
I think OP needs to really look at himself and re-evaluate his feelings toward Kate. Itâs like sheâs the priority, not his gf.
Maybe OP needs to be single for a while, since the relationship isnât a priority.
Why is OP so sure the BFF does not find OP attractive in a prospective mate kind of way? Itâs pretty common to fall in love with the best friendâs partner, I was there ( close F but not BFF) in HS for a year. Almost stereotypical for the quiet awkward member of the group. I suspect GF has clued into BFFâs feelings but OP is oblivious.
im disagreeing with all these comments you have been friends with them BOTH for more than a year and only recently began to date lucy and all of a sudden shes demanding you stop being friends with kate? that’s not ok. Men can be friends with women as much as Reddit disagrees (Bi people cant have any friends apparently). She has an insecurity problem and its her issue to work out, there is nothing wrong with continuing to be friends with someone you have known for just as long as your gf. I doesnt sound like this relationship will work out tho with how hellbent your gf is on accusing you of cheating for having a female friend.
You donât get it dude. You being so defensive about it send a enormous red flag. Sheâs noticing you develop romantic feelings for Kate which in reading your post you have and just havenât noticed.
This comment section is filled with far too many people who have not read the post. OP was friends with two girls for a year who were also best friends. He then started dating one of them and has been for the past 6 months. His now gf is uncomfortable with his continued closeness to their shared friend and wants hm to be less close to her, but at the same time the gf wants to continue bringing her best friend around when they hang out. She also wants OP to no longer hang out with her alone.
How anyone thinks the gf is being reasonable here when OP thinks at a minimum one of them needs to tell the friend why OP is having cut contact with the friend is beyond me. This is extremely controlling behaviour and is all based on the gfs insecurities without any clear indication of inappropriate behaviour.
The gf cannot at the same time demand the OP ignore the friend, while still wanting to be just as close to the friend, and continue to bring her around. The OP is right in his estimation that she wants him to be the bad guy, while maintaining her friendship. Telling her friend the reason he is acting weird is because I do not want the two of you to be close anymore would likely result in the end of her friendship. However, she is okay with ending his friendship to her.
No way to win here. Move on and find a healthier dynamic and other people to date
How come you have posts from 3 years ago claiming to be 24 in one where your girlfriend supposedly has a rape fetish and your 29 in the one where you were apparently tricked into paying for an illegal abortion, and now here you are 3 years later and only 25 with another weird girlfriend story đ
I think relationships are more about ownership nowadays. I get that from Reddit anyway. You canât be friends with other girls if you stay in this relationship. Thatâs your choice. I donât get it myself, most relationships fail to impermanence anyway but from what I read on here and see on other social media, you have to decide to be friends with a woman or have a girlfriend, for as long as that lasts.
Your girl is trying to tell you that sheâs uncomfortable and you arenât listening. You should be validating her feelings and understand that your relationship will not get better if she feels threatened in this way.
There are several things you could do here: only see Kate when your girl is around, not compliment her a lot, make sure all interactions are friendly and NOT seen as flirty in any way, make sure your GF is secure and reassured or just stop having our with Kate.
From a womanâs prospective it sure seems like you âlike Kate in that wayâ and enjoy having them both. It sounds almost like you have two girlfriends. I could be way off base here but it sure seems that way.
It boils down to what is more important to you, your relationship with your girlfriend or your âfriendshipâ with Kate.. Who is more important to you and whoâs feelings do you want to protect, your girlfriend or you âplatonic friendâ.. Your girlfriendâs request is reasonable, emotional affair starts this way.. It does not happen in a flash, it happened when you are pushing boundaries and the next thing you know, you are already way in too deep.. Kate is your girlfriendâs bestfriend, she knows her, she must have the gut feeling that you mean so much more to her than you think⌠You are responsible to protect your partners heart, not Kate..
I can almost guarantee that Kate has said something to Lucy that has made this âinsecurityâ a reality, whether you were there to witness it or not. Iâm assuming based on the context youâve given us, that Kate and Lucy have been friends long before you were in the picture. If thatâs true, Lucy knows Kate better than you know Kate. She likely knows how Kate acts/talks around a guy sheâs interested in, vs one sheâs not. And itâs extremely likely that Kate has done or said something, that Lucy knows is an indicator that she is into you. Itâs possible that you didnât pick up on this, whether you werenât present or just didnât notice.
You said that your girlfriend was completely on board with you being friendly with Kate, making sure she felt included. So why the sudden change, if not for a specific reason? Like I said, there is likely more context here that you are not aware of, something said/done between Kate and Lucy that has convinced your girlfriend that your friendliness is giving Kate the wrong idea. Thatâs why she has suddenly changed her mind. Lucy may not want to explain whatever this is to you, because A) she doesnât want to spill her friendâs business, or B) she is afraid that if you *know* Kate is interested in you, the chances of things going south for Lucy is higher.
Ask yourself how youâd feel if the roles were reversed. If your girlfriend was being extremely friendly with one of your male friends, making him feel included, then one day he said to you, âYeah man, your girlfriend actually is bad as hell, you better keep her tied down because Iâm next in lineâ âŚ. *even as a joke,* would you be completely comfortable with Lucy continuing to be close with him? Friends, sure⌠but *close* friends?
Lucy confronting Kate on this, would surely result in them no longer being friends. The easiest, most controlled way for Lucy to solve this issue⌠is to ask you not to humor Kate so much.
When you become an adult and get into a relationship you have to realise there are boundaries. Would you want your gf to be very close with your best friend? Probably not. Yeah her friend can still hang out with you guys, but it doesnât have to be all the time, and you donât have to engage with your gfâs friend in the same way she does. You havenât even known her friend for that long to be making this a big deal lol grow up. Donât you have other friends? If itâs getting to you so bad, maybe you are afraid of falling for her friend. Focus on your gf đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸
So when you are hanging out with your girlfriend and Kate tag along, your girlfriend must have felt that sheâs the third wheel in her own relationship.. You spend more time & energy with your friend than your girlfriend.. Talk to your girlfriend, you need one on one time together, without any third party, and on the event that the three of you are in the same room, donât make your girlfriend the third wheel.
Omggg youâre a huge AH. If Lucy stays with you youâre lucky because I would never allow my bf to be that close to anyone idc who it is. Kate seems to be developing feelings.