I need y’all’s advice.
Bit of context first : my gf (18f) and I (18f) have been together for 4 months. We were friends for a few months prior to that. We are each other’s first relationship, and we both had experiences with people before that (only guys for her, and only girls for me).
Now onto our issue. As weeks went by our relationship got better and better, we got more comfortable with each other, we spend a lot of time alone together studying or going outside and all that. We genuinely care for each other, never had an issue with the other’s behavior or an argument, communicate extremely well… The whole nine yards. I like her a lot and so does she, and neither of us want to lose each other.
Recently, she’s been feeling like she’s not really happy in general, not as happy as she was before winter (winter’s hard time for her) even tough she feels like she has even more reasons to be happy now. I told her that I was there for her no matter what and that if she had things she wanted to do in order to bring up her mood and eventually be happier I’d be more than willing to do those things with her.
A few weeks ago, she was particularly confortable with PDA (even tho she usually isn’t, or at least wasn’t at the start of our relationship) and everything seemed to be so great. We met some of our girl friends for a night and had a party the following weekend, and after that I noticed small changes in her behavior. She seemed kinda detached, and compared to the week prior is was like day and night. We weren’t as physically close, and she didn’t seem to want to initiate physical contact and such.
Two days ago, after this situation had been going on for a week and a half, I finally gathered the courage to ask her what was wrong, and she told me that she wasn’t in love with me, but that she loves me very much, loves spending time with me and that I mattered a lot to her. I told her that I don’t know if I’m in love, but that I love her a lot too. We then agreed on the fact that maybe we were spending too much time alone with each other (several hours per day during the week, and we usually meet once during the weekend) and that we needed to spend more time with our friends (not separately, still together but not just the two of us). We both expressed that we wanted to stay together and spend more time with our friends.
We spent the afternoon together yesterday, met friends outside during the evening, had a great time and were noticably more comfortable and joyful than prior to our discussion.
Now, what I need advice on is : The fact that she isn’t in love with me bothers her because she thinks that she normally should be, given the fact that we’ve been together for a few months. Personally, I don’t know if I’m in love with her, as I have no idea how this is supposed to be or feel like. Maybe I am and I just don’t realize it, but I definitely do not worry about wether I’m in love or not. I just really enjoy this relationship and I’m happy to be with her. I’m just going with the flow and letting things come to me at their own pace.
What can I do or say to reassure her so she stops worrying about this ?
TL.DR. : My girlfriend is worried about the fact that she isn’t in love with me after 4 months together
2 comments
Can you not just be friends? You could try for a bit longer and see what develops, but trying to push feelings seems unwise.
She may misunderstand how relationships work.
The “in love” feeling people have is something called limerence. It is that feeling of bubbly excitement, when you are happy just being in the same room with the person you’ve fallen for. You can’t stop thinking of them when they aren’t around. You feel drawn to them, almost compelled to focus on them. It can feel very intense.
Some people view this experience as proof that they have found the right person, The One for them. The problem is that limerence isn’t any kind of proof. It is a mixture of desire and obsession, and nothing about it shows that you are compatible with the person you are in love with.
In fact, limerence is a one-sided thing. It is all about how *you* feel, and doesn’t say anything about how the other person feels. In fact, we have the term “unrequited love” for when you are in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate the feeling.
Popular culture, at least in the US, tends to celebrate limerence as the right thing, what you are supposed to have in a relationship, how you know it is “true.” But people can fall in love with people who are known abusers. They can even fall for people who aren’t even there, like movie stars. Limerence — this “in love” experience — isn’t love, it is a one-sided urge.
Think of it like a food craving. Consider:
* It comes out of nowhere and just seems to happen.
* You can crave something you don’t normally like, or that you know isn’t good for you.
* You can crave something even if you’ve just eaten and aren’t hungry.
* Even if you don’t indulge the craving, it will fade away on its own.
Limerence is similar. But people are told in various ways that this is what you should feel for the rest of a relationship if you’ve found the right person.
This is wrong. Real love isn’t a feeling; real love is a *choice*.
I think you’ve already experienced this. When you like someone so much that you are willing to change your behavior so that someone feels safe, respected, valued, etc., etc., then you are loving that person.
To put it another way: When you like someone, it has to do with how *you* feel, but when you love someone, it has to do with how *they* feel. Love is an action you choose, not something you passively feel.
But people who have been told they should have this intense feeling may believe that they don’t really love someone. If they had limerence before, and it has since faded (which it does), they may talk of “falling out of love.” But we just can’t sustain that sort of intensity long-term. If nothing else, we grow familiar with a partner, and we know what to expect with them; the thrill of the unknown isn’t there anymore.
You can talk with your girlfriend about love, how you think it works, the difference between love as a choice and what we feel as love. If she insists that she has to be “in love,” there’s not much you can do, but ask her if she’d want to break up to find that experience.