My (32F) father (57M) wants to meet with me after 15+ years of no contact.

Removed for some reason:

I am unsure what to think of this situation as I just got a message from him a few hours ago after all this time.

My father has been absent for most of my life with the random drop-in every now and then throughout my childhood. I was raised as a single child by my mother (58F) for most of my life. My parents divorced when I was still a baby and my mother has tried to marry again at least once from what I can remember but all her romantic relationships drifted apart after some time. She eventually gave up on finding love in men and shifted her focus to raising me. I wasn’t neglected or anything but her 2nd (and last) marriage on further reflection was bad for her mental health. My mother and I were the only ones in each other’s immediate family up until I moved out on my own over a year ago. We still keep in contact regularly.

To make a long story short, almost every time my father came into my life was either because he wanted something or to give my mom a hard time. Childhood nativity mostly clouded me to his ulterior motives, but I do recall a few times he hurt me emotionally. Keep in mind that I had to talk with my mom to get the rest of the story. When I was in fifth grade, my father sent some furniture to our apartment stating that he wanted to try living together again. I can’t remember why my mom agreed to it nor fathom the reason. We did not hear from him for several months from the time we received his stuff but I recall one day the police being called to our place. My father was with them accusing my mom of keeping his stuff from him. I don’t know what his plan was but it ended up backfiring on my father with the police telling him to collect his stuff and get off the premises before he got arrested. I peaked out the front door where my mom was standing and my father requested the police to speak with me. I asked him why he was doing this but I don’t recall him giving an answer. I ended up crying and running up to my room. He continued to collect his stuff and drove off.

Another time is after Hurricane Katrina. I was 14 at the time. My father was stationed (Army) in Mississippi but while we were in the next state over. We lost contact for some weeks and my mom got a call from him while we were driving to some place. I was talking to him about being able to visit again at some point but he got serious all of a sudden and said he did not want any contact from me while I still had a relationship with my mother. (I actually ended up subconsciously repressing this memory because it was emotionally devastating to me, mostly the exact wording he said). As I started getting upset over the phone, my mom immediately grabbed the phone and started verbally grinding into him over what he said to me. I vividly remember her yelling at him “How dare you call her a burden! How dare you!” With that, she half-tossed the phone back to me and my father immediately ended the call.

Subsequent events involving my father popping up out of the blue ended with disappointment and eventually turned into underlying resentment towards him. My mom shared some secret emails he sent calling her derogatory things like fat and calling me a “mindless puppy”. After I turned 17, he sent a birthday card, saying he’s glad he no longer hasd to pay child support anymore. It took me a while to realize that some people are just toxic and should be cut out of one’s life. My resentment still remained and it fucked with my mental health for a while.

In my mid-20’s, I got a FB message from him wanting to talk again. After mulling it over, I ended up unloading all my anger at him over Messenger. All the disappointment spilled out of me like a waterfall as I sent message after message airing out every grievance at him. At the end of it all, I ended up saying that I don’t know what kind of man he is now, but I forgive the man he was. This was more for myself than anything else as I was tired of carrying the emotional baggage. After my outburst, we did not message each other for about 2 years. Any correspondence from him was just wishing me a happy birthday every year. I spent that time feeling lighter and trying to mentally heal. For some reason, I did not block him off FB. (He rarely posted anyway, but I knew he got married again and has kids. I was his first child).

To the current situation, I just got a message from saying he’s visiting my state in the next 2 days and would like to meet for lunch or dinner. I am again thinking of all the things he did in the past and the resentment is coming back but not as strong as it used to. Part of me wants to see him again just to see what he’s been up to since I last him in person, like I still need more closure. Another part is saying that I shouldn’t try as it would just degrade my mental health back to square one. Another part of me wants to meet him and person and yell at him all the things I said over FB all over again.

I think what I am asking is if I should meet with him again just to get his side of the story. He said one day he would tell the whole story of why he fell out with my mom. Maybe I’m still holding onto that tiny grain of futile hope that he might actually keep a promise. I only have my mom’s side of the story and it could be biased for all I know. My better judgment is telling me to just decline his offer and maybe propose a video chat instead. I’m probably not mentally stable enough to handle a physical meeting, especially since I have work the days he’s visiting (I work nights, though). It’s been about 15+ years. Shouldn’t I be over it by now? I guess I just need an outside perspective on this.

UPDATE:

So I wasn’t sure if I wanted to update this, but here it is.

I met with my dad at a restaurant of my choosing. When I got there, I barely recognized him. He on other hand recognized me right away. He came up to me and embraced me, crying. Frankly, I wasn’t sure what to feel when I saw him. He looked… smaller, like he aged 30 years instead of 15 years. The look on his face after he gathered himself looked like one of defeat. A server led us to a more isolated table. Better to talk out things that way than having an audience in the middle of the restaurant. I listened to his side of story. I won’t go over the details here, but I will say that I realized that any resentment I had for this man has long since disappeared. I just couldn’t bring myself to be angry anymore. Emotions ran high and I ended up ugly crying a few times, right into my chicken ramen.

I accepted that both my mom and dad are far from perfect parents and that their issues ended up becoming my issues over the years. As an adult, only I can choose how I let those issues affect me. While some things are hard to get over, I left that conversation feeling lighter than before. We exchanged numbers and even took the first picture together in years.

It took me a while to bring up that I started talking to Dad again with my mom and I did not anticipate her reaction. She was happy that I decided to talk to him again. Frankly, I thought my mom would be somewhat upset about it, but it was the exact opposite. It took her longer to apologize for some things, but I can’t really say I was looking for her to apologize for those things. More like trying to understand what her line of thinking was at the time.

I told both my parents that I am totally fine if they never reconcile with each other, but what was important to me was my individual relationships with both of them. I can still look at Dad as another adult in my life for some advice as I do not have many of those kinds of people in my life.

With the advice of my mom, I decided to spend the Christmas holiday with Dad in Colorado. It was years since I had seen so much snow. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make a snowball without it disintegrating due to the lack of moisture in the mountains. I think I took about 400 pictures the entire time I was there. I met his wife (my stepmom) and some of her family. She was really nice and revealed to me some details of some things that happened over the years of no contact. I should probably mention that in my first conversation with Dad, he revealed he had liver cancer but did not dwell on the details. When I asked his wife about it, she said it was in stage 4 and terminal. He would need a whole new liver for it to be treated completely. I was also startled that he chose not to be on the list for transplants, which even baffled my mom. I think it hit home to me how hurt he must have felt not being in contact with his biological daughters. (I have a half-sister from Dad, but I never met her). Like he did not want to continue living.

Toward the end of my trip, I let my emotions out about how he could give up so easily on life by not taking every opportunity to fight his cancer. I know it’s not my decision to make for him, but I know for a fact that did not want this to be the last Christmas I actually spent with him. After more ugly crying on my part, he agreed to put himself on the transplant list.

I guess I’m glad that I did not pass up the opportunity to get back in touch with him. I managed to put a lot of emotional baggage behind me since then and am continuing to feel better about myself.