Basically, I am an 18 year old who hasn’t socialized with anyone my age since December of 2017. Ever since then, I’ve been unsuccessful at socializing and being confident in myself. How do I fix this so I can become more confident?

20 comments

  3. It’s called social skills for a reason. It’s something you practice until you get good at it. Don’t expect to turn into a Hollywood star from the get go. You’ll have awkward and uncomfortable moments and that’s normal. It’s a part of the process.

    With that said, here’s a concrete technique that you can use. Be lighthearted. Being intense makes people conscious and that’s the opposite of fun. Fun is when your guard is down and you’re comfortable.

    Natural conversation can be hard at first. Try doing activities while you’re talking to someone. Exercising, playing video games or something like that where conversation is not the main activity.

  4. Honestly I think the biggest thing is simply to talk to people more. It doesn’t have to be anything major, or some life changing conversation. Maybe just once a day ask a classmate, coworker or even better someone you don’t usually talk to how their day was, or compliment them. While you do, really focus on their response and listen to what they have to say. Lots of times people like hearing themselves talk so you can let them do the work. I try to compliment people I don’t usually talk to or will likely never see again as it can brighten their day and that makes me feel better about myself without a lot of pressure on the interaction because I have nothing to loose if I don’t yet have any kind of relationship or will never see them again. Sometimes it will also lead to conversation, maybe a story about how they got that shirt or, hat, and you may have a similar experience you can share, or ask them more questions. Jordon Peterson has a few really great YouTube videos about this I highly recommend them. I know this all may be overwhelming, it’s alright to take baby steps. Start small, take. Any steps, once you get more comfortable, take a slightly bigger step and so on. It will take some time, but if you’re thorough you can do it. I believe in you.

  6. Once a week do something that you like, but is out of your comfort zone. It can be as simple as talking to the person at the check out counter, sitting next to an older person at the park and talking with them. Find a place to volunteer at where you will interact with people. Figure out what you are interested in and go to the library and get books on it. Become an expert at it. Best of luck to you.

  7. Sign yourself up for things where you’re forced to interact with people your age.

    Like a club, volunteering, a sport etc…

    It will be weird at first, but after a few months you will find it easier and easier to talk to people

  8. You got it!! It takes a ton of time and experience bc the more people you meet and the different situations you put yourself into- you’ll learn A LOT about yourself and who you want to be.

    Then just get used to who you are and know the kind of people you’d like to surround yourself with.

    Easier said then done. Trust me. I’m in my 30s, I’m a major extrovert but it took me continuous eras to change who I was, make friends, drop them. Learn. Rinse repeat and now I know exactly the type of people I want to be around and it’s just really easy to be yourself around like minded people! You don’t even have to try.

    A good starting point though is just get confident in carrying a conversation. Practice listening to the other person as if their every word will save your life. Pay attention to them and let them know you’re totally into what they’re saying- ask questions, be curious about the person you’re talking to!! People love to talk about themselves bc it feels good to be seen and heard! So if you can find enjoyment in that.. that would be a good starting point.

    You’re super young! I was awkward AF pre 20s omggg. So don’t sweat it. Just find things you’re interested in, so hobbies, watch movies, music etc..bc then you’ll have things to connect with other people about when making conversation!

    Hope this helps at least a little.

  9. One thing I’ve noticed about actual and self-identified socially awkward people is that their focus during the interaction is on themselves. How am I coming across? This person just said X, but does that mean Y about *me*? Oh, they reacted this way, does that mean Z? And so on. Their hyper-vigilant energy leaks into the conversation since they are simultaneously monitoring themselves and you, and trying to “calibrate” appropriately. That takes a lot of mental overhead and unless you’re quick-witted there is often 1) a delay in response and 2) the missing of important social cues or conversational signposts.

    Being a good conversationalist requires competency/mastery in several different skills, which are covered in-depth in other posts on this sub. But, a good start is to simply practice shifting your focus outside of yourself. Success would be a reduction in the frequency of thoughts about your *performance* in the conversation. Outwardly it would be expressed as listening more than your talking, asking follow-up questions that are relevant to the conversation, speaking slower, and being more physically relaxed.

    Personally, I think you’re better off practicing a specific skill until you’ve reached some level of comfort and competency. Rinse and repeat. These things take a lot of time to develop, but things will get better the more you intentionally practice versus trying to be good at everything at once. Also, realize that if you’re interacting with other people your age most of you are awkward as hell / poor conversationalists, so be charitable with yourself and others. (My intention isn’t to bash young people it’s just part of that stage of life we all go through). Finally, if there are any people in your life who you consider socially skilled it wouldn’t hurt to observe how they interact with people and practice modeling their behavior to see what might work for you.

  10. Socialization is a muscle you develop over time with reps.. think about growing your chest muscles.. you would start with bench press right and gradually get stronger over time and build muscle as you increase the weight

    Socialization is the same concept.. start off with brief conversations with people and eventually you will improve your skills.. in the end practice makes perfect

  11. Try to find a group of nerdy or slightly socially awkward people like yourself. That has been a good strategy for me. I’ve moved cities several times so I’ve had to make new friends. I always go to meetup.com and find a board game group and go there. They are usually my people, very forgiving, welcoming, and people just pay attention to the game with minimal small talk

  12. There is this website called wikihow that has articles on every question about social skills you can think of. Also socializing is like learning a musical instrument. A book is very useful in learning but you need to practice a lot to get good.

  13. I find that a key part in this is to end your discomfort in social situations. Just like how we retreat inside ourselves to “get away” from social issues in the present, we can use the same mechanism but in a different way. First, forgive yourself for being weird and imperfect, the same way you’d forgive a friend for something awkward they did. Smile about it, even. The point is to be fine with yourself and all the quirks, even fine with the fact that you’re uncomfortable. Once you have it in your mind that nothing is wrong with you, even when you make mistakes, you can handle public situations a lot more gracefully and people tend to look over general awkwardness for the sake of the interaction.

  14. Just break the ice right away with someone your age, going just a *little* farther than you were comfortable going before.

  15. I often think about how the person I am communicating with may feel the same way as me. A lot of people feel socially awkward at some point, more than you think. Just think about how this person is not judging you but has that internal awkward monologue telling them to not be awkward.

  16. Practice. But also i think it’s underrated and under advocated that we all are socially awkward sometimes and it isn’t always you that’s being “awkward”

  17. The best thing is to ask questions about the person you’re talking to. Then really listen and comment on what they are saying. Don’t try to compare your experiences yet.
    Nod an smile, try hard to make a little eye contact.

  18. I never really figured it out but I just be myself now there are people that can converse really well but are bad people do I just don’t worry about it anymore. Every once in awhile I find people I click with

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