I 29f have been with my boyfriend 31m for over two years.
We love each other a lot, make each other laugh every day and are planning to move in together this year.
My boyfriend owns a food truck and is very passionate about his food.
When we first met he was only cooking at home and was very apprehensive about having his own business. I’ve encouraged him over the last year and have helped him apply for licenses, helped search for a truck and over the last year he has slowly grown a name for himself in the industry and I’m so proud of him for following his dreams and going for it.
He was just accepted to one of the largest food truck festivals in the US which is huge for him, not only in the money but the exposure as well. It’s difficult to get accepted and I’m extremely proud.
When discussing the festival with the festival show runners they stated most vendors make an average of $7000 in the 3 days the festival goes for.
The festival goes morning to late night for three days straight. The truck is hot (the festival is in July) the work is busy and non stop, I mean, it is WORK. Most weekends I’ve helped him in the truck taking orders, helping any way I can but this is much bigger and longer than anything I’ve helped with before.
In the year he’s had this business I’ve never asked him for any sort of payment because I’ve been happy to spend time with him and help out. It honestly hasn’t even crossed my mind.
Since this is a much bigger event, and for 3 days, I have to take 2 days of PTO from work to help him.
When I mentioned to my friends about the festival, they asked how much he was going to pay me and I said he wasn’t. They said that he should pay me something or at the very least give something as a thank you.
This had me thinking back to all the times we’ve left after hours of hard work and he’s had $500 in his pocket and has never even offered dinner as a thank you, let alone tips or any time of real payment.
Recently he got a new electric neck fan (it hangs off your neck, blows cool air into your face) for the food truck festival since it’s going to be really hot. I asked if he got me one as well and he said no. I couldn’t help but feel unappreciated as I’m also in the hot truck, working for hours just like he is. And the neck fan is like, $20 max.
When the festival came up, I asked if he could buy us a couples massage for the day after the festival since we would have sore muscles from working and it’s something we’ve discussed for a long time about doing together. He said “What about dinner” as in, instead.
Dinner to my boyfriend is not some nice fancy restaurant, it’s a diner or deli. I felt dejected again and just…unappreciated.
My friends are saying that if it were them, they would insist on being paid for 3 days of hard work or at the very least be given a massage that would cost max $200. When thinking about it, if the situation were reversed, I think I would offer my helper person, girlfriend or not, a cut of the profits, since they are working as well.
I don’t want to get into a fight but I also want to be respected and appreciated for my time and work.
So, am I being greedy for demanding to be compensated? What’s the best way to go about this without us fighting?
\*For the record, this is not his main source of income, anything he makes goes back into the business or he puts it into savings. During the day ge does a part time job that pays the bills. He is not struggling or even needs to do this, it’s a passion. I should also add he has savings for no particular reason other than he enjoys saving money, we have not discussed houses/other things that would require saving
33 comments
Yeah, if you’re literally working in his food truck, and you don’t have shared finances (e.g. his earnings contributing to rent/bills for both of you), it seems reasonable to want to be paid in some way for it – especially if you’re taking days off work for it. Let him know that moving forward, if he wants you to work in the food truck you’ll need to be paid for it.
Don’t get mad, get “confused”.
If you want to avoid an argument, then be honest, be forthright, but don’t present this as something that you’re angry or resentful about from the start. Instead, simply lay out the facts (write them down in point form if you’re afraid you might forget or feel too aggravated to present them calmly in the moment) and present them to him as, “I love you very much, and of course I want your business to succeed, and I want to support you (all the things he is likely to try to use as arguments against you . . . you mention these pre-emptively) BUT . . . “:
– He is asking you to take time off work, and use up some of your PTO days . . .
– . . . to work long hours in the kitchen, which is a physically demanding job . . .
– . . . in a small, very hot, uncomfortable food truck kitchen . . . so uncomfortable, in fact, that he has already taken steps to mitigate the discomfort himself with a wearable fan, but you won’t have one of those, which you’re also a bit confused about – did he not think you’d be uncomfortable if he is, when you’re working in the same hot kitchen for the same hours?
– And most importantly, **HE IS NOT DOING ANY OF THIS FOR FREE.** But for some reason it seems like he expects you to do the same amount of work, in arguably LESS comfortable conditions, for absolutely no share of the profits, or even a minimum wage salary, or anything at all. He expects you to **volunteer**. But even he isn’t volunteering to do this for himself.
Don’t say it sarcastically or snidely. You don’t need to. Put on your best confused face (and honestly, it shouldn’t be difficult, because this is truly baffling) and say, “I absolutely adore you, and I’m excited to see your dream starting to come to fruition. But it kind of feels like you don’t value my time or the labour I put into supporting you, because this IS a business, that you will make a profit from . . . and yet you expect me to work a lot of hours for you in difficult conditions, entirely for free. And I don’t want to think that you’re that kind of person? Like, you’re not right? The kind of person who doesn’t value all the labour I put into helping you make your dream happen? So I would like to understand how you intend to compensate me for all the work I’m putting into this right by your side, so I don’t feel like you’re taking me for granted.”
there is no real way of not getting into an argument. he sees your help as a no brainier because “of course my girlfriend would support me”. let him know that you don’t feel your work is being appreciated by him and that in the future you will be supporting him from the sidelines. you don’t have a stake in the business, your names not on anything and your not being appreciated for your help. there is no reason to reschedule your life for something that doesn’t benefit you in anyway. if he needs the help then you need compensation for your time in some way… one time its a favor, often it has become expected.
You know what it means when you can’t afford to pay your workers a living wage? It means you actually don’t have a viable business and you need to shut it down and get a job.
I know you said this is his passion project, great. His passion project should be about 30-50% less profitable than it currently appears to be.
Definitely bring this up. Lots of good advice here.
Once you are at the festival, do what you want.
You aren’t employed by him. Go have fun.
He didn’t even think of getting you a fan as well? Seems you pay for everything and he’s selfish. At this point, I’d tell him I can’t get the time off work.
Don’t go lmao. But fr he sounds either brainless or selfish. Not getting his gf assistant a fan? Not offering to do something nice for you after or pay you? Why are you with him exactly?
So he built this business on your back, you’ve never seen a penny for all your effort, and he denies you simple comforts while working that he doesn’t deny himself.
Are you sure this is someone you want to be with? Let alone be a free slave for.
Well, start by saying you aren’t missing your job to bust your ass for nothing, that leaves 1 day he can pay you, or you go and enjoy the festival. He can hire employees and pay the wages and taxes for the workers.
Tell him that you’re not working for free. He either pays you or he hires someone. He’s taking total advantage of you. He’s very selfish. He plans on walking away with all the money he makes after his costs and not pay you a penny. Plus he is costing you money for you taking PTO.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Tell him that if it were a family business, you’d do your share (in return for half-ownership of course) but otherwise you’re out for the festival.
That he didn’t get you a fan as well is when I stopped reading. That’s really fucked up and he needs to be called in that. Paying you is a whole other, more nuanced argument. But if he cares about you, the fact that he didn’t think to get you a fan as well is enough of a red flag.
If I asked my wife to help me with something work related, she’d be given the most comfortable provisions available.
Definitely push pause before moving in together.
Being clear is being kind, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. Hinting and suggesting isn’t working, be honest without being afraid of his reaction, if he has any character, he should feel genuinely bad enough to make up for it right away!
But don’t lift another finger or offer anything until you figure out your boundaries and learn to convey them and reinforce them. When we respect ourselves, other people do too. If you lose him in the process, the self respect and dignity is worth far more. Way too many people are afraid to lose relationships and abandon themselves in the process, not worth it.
why has it taken this long and friends talking to you for you to think about saying something.
you should be more clear and up front with each other.
I’m sorry, but there’s no avoiding an argument here. I would consider this a deal-breaker if he doesn’t come around. It’s highly disrespectful and it’s openly disrespectful at that.
You are being taken advantage of and he knows he can get away with it as he has no respect for your boundaries. Not only are you using PTO, you’re not getting paid…you’re losing in this deal. He does not have your best interest at heart and is only looking after himself.
Do not move forward and move in with him until he proves that he respects you and your boundaries.
I think you need to have a talk with him even if it starts an argument. He’s taking advantage of you and is very unappreciative about all of it. He’s being cheap and that’s not okay.
If you plan on going, you tell him that you only will do so on your terms.
1 – he pays you for those 3 days.
2 – he gets you a fan so that you’re comfortable too.
3 – he shows appreciation better.
You need to express that what he’s doing is not okay with you.
damn you’re a way better person than i am because i would never consider using (wasting) a good chunk of pto from my own job to go do work for free lmao. like i truly don’t understand how you are letting yourself get walked all over.
why are you so scared of a fight? if it turns into a fight then that’s on him because your requests are reasonable. i mean for fuck’s sake you’re not even asking for a payment, you asked to do a couple’s massage, which would partially benefit HIM as well as you, and he still said no?
girl know your worth. please. god damn. i feel so sad for you.
Honestly this sounds like my ex. He wanted me to go look at buildings and sites by myself with a newborn. I prepped the menu and researched even. Planned the kitchen and expresso machines. Prepped cold coffee every weekend to experiment with. Tasted baked goods to source. Made spreadsheets and cost analysis. He quit his job when I was off maternity leave. Divorced me once the business plan was made and ready to go. Just so he could leave me off the paperwork. Oh, also took my 100+ board games for his library. Selfish and willing to use others for free labor. Never blinked an eye when I complained because it was his dream and I was a supportive wife. Never have seen a cent.
Another option is to not ask for PTO. Don’t involve yourself in the planning actively and have him bring it it. Stop planning and helping automatically.
It sounds like you should have part of the business ownership since you were involved with its conception and execution. Bring this up that all your unpaid labor and knowledge is what investors provide through consultation, hours, money or fixed assets as a portion of the ownership.
Speak up for yourself. That is the bigger picture that this 3day festival has highlighted.
Edit spelling.
Tell him he needs to hire a worker to help him in the truck and stop working for him. This is clearly harming your relationship. If his business is growing and taking a big step, this seems like the perfect moment to hire someone to work for him.
I’d consider just telling him you are out of PTO and you’ll only be able to support him emotionally not with labor.
🚩🚩🚩galore. You are way too considerate for this guy
If you can’t talk to your partner without being afraid of them getting mad, why even stay in the relationship? You already know he doesn’t respect you or appreciate your help. Never let your desperation for a relationship talk you out of your common sense.
I don’t see why there has to be an argument. Ask him how much he is going to pay you, and if he says $0, say that your time is worth more than that so he’ll have to hire someone else instead. You both have choices here.
Why are you with a user? You are a long suffering wife, but you don’t have a husband. What do you have to show for all of your hard work? Why are you making a stingy man’s dreams come true? Are you running a charity for assholes?
My parents own a food truck as their main source of income and still pay me and me sister when we help. Soooo….. yeah, he is taking advantage.
Man he is treating you like shit and you’re letting him walk all over you. Did you ask him why he didn’t buy you a fan? And why did you take off PTO for this if it is not even his main job?? When you did that, did he ask you to, or did you just do it.
You need to speak up and let him know how you are feeling. And if he gets mad at that, well then he sucks and you should not work for him again for free or break up, but the status quo is UNACCEPTABLE.
Keep it simple and just ask him if he could pay you. If he loves you, he’ll be happy to.
He’s fucking selfish, don’t do this girl. You will be VERY resentful.
You say I’m sorry I can’t help I have to work, find someone else or pay me at least for the two days of work I’ll be missing, plus more for the shitty work conditions and your shitty attitude.
If he’s still being an absolute dickhead, you walk away.
Don’t go. Lots of good responses here but I would simply tell him you cannot take off work unless you’re equally compensated by him and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know
He is making money and you are not? That’s a no from me.