Me (F25) and my partner (M26) have been together for over seven years now. Almost every time we argue there are the same issues coming up:
– I have a hard time saying I’m sorry. I acknowledge my mistakes but I have a very hard time saying the words “I’m sorry”. My parents were very conservative and I never heard them apologizing to me ever during my childhood.
– my boyfriend has anxiety and OCD = he gets super stressed when it’s dusty at home. We keep a quite tidy home but he often is the first to mention we need to cleaning but not always the one to initiative it. We contribute about the same to the household, but I get the feeling of having to be more tidy than I naturally am to not trigger him and cause conflicts.
– I am a very analytical person and after a dispute I often need to cool down and step away to process my emotions, thoughts and regulate my reactions to the dispute. My partner is however the contrary and wants to go through it immediately. I know that for me this has a risk of the fight escalating due to triggering emotions etc so I step away to avoid this.
– my partner has a hard time acknowledging my perspective after a dispute and only searches for me to apologize to him, instead of objectively trying to figure out how to prevent these types of situations.
Please do give your perspective on how you handle conflicts in a more productive, compassionate and healthy way.
TLDR; I (F25) have a hard time saying the words I’m sorry while my partner (M26) has a hard time acknowledging and undertaking my perspective on things.
3 comments
Soooo you have a hard time meeting the needs of your far more sensitive partner? I dont think i have any suggestions that wouldn’t start a total falling out. Seems to me like your partner expects you to be mindful of their sensitivities without thinking that they also need to acknowledge the way you feel & see the world. You are not as sensitive or not sensitive in the same ways and your partner needs to learn that they also need to be willing to step out of their comfort zone for you like you try to do for them 🤷♀️ if telling them “i know you want to interact about this issue but I need space” isnt enough for them to understand, I think they are not respecting your boundaries. And if they instead are further upset by you wanting space, I think that is concerning behavior. I wonder if the times you find it hard to say “sorry” isn’t because you may not feel there is anything to truly apologize for 🤔
My husband and I have a similar approach where he needs time to process the issue and solution, but I like to discuss and get through it immediately. What we have found helps is if I have a problem or something that I need to discuss with him, I give him a heads up either verbally or via text with some of my points so that he has time to process before we sit down and hash it out. Seems to help. It’s about finding a compromise that works for both of you.
Additionally, I have a far higher bar for cleanliness in the home. My husband contributes to chores and is always responsive when I ask him to do something. However, if I want it to my standards, then I acknowledge that it is my responsibility. Same goes for your SO and his dusting needs, in my opinion.
I’d probably speak to a therapist, as it sounds like you’re struggling with empathy.