I’m in a bit of a really messed up situation and honestly I feel so powerless. Especially being the only chick in the house.
So my boyfriend of 3 years (27M)’s (we have a 5 1/2 yr age gap, yes its weird) best friend (23M) is moving from Colorado to come live with us here in the PNW. I’m going to be honest. I HATE this idea. I LOTHE it even because its such a bad fucking idea. So we have a 2 bedroom right now. No biggie! Until you realize… our bedrooms are literally RIGHT next to each other. The walls are paper thin, and both my boyfriend and his best friend are loud as hell. I’m autistic, and get VERY overstimulated easy with noise. So this is part of why its a no go. Other factors include:
1.) its going to ruin our sex life having someone else in the house.
2.) his friend is CONSTANTLY high or drunk. I have yet to see him sober and he has been with us 3 days already.
3.) his friend is literally quitting his new job he got up here, as a VET TECH to go do uber full time.
4.) I feel incredibly uncomfortable being the only woman in the household, and having a random male who I DO NOT KNOW living in our house.
5.) his friend is known for bringing chicks home literally every night. I know he wont respect ANY rules we set which makes it worse.
6.) he is letting his friend stay here RENT FREE. Our rent is $2000/mo. Add other bills like utilities and groceries on and shit gets expensive.
7.) his friend, is bringing in 2 dogs. On top of the 2 cats we already have. One of which is a puppy. This upsets me as my bf just guilt tripped me just last month, into rehoming my SDiT..
I am very reclusive. I wasn’t allowed to socialize like, at all even at school growing up. I legitimately don’t feel comfortable around anyone I don’t know because of this, alongside me having SEVERE anxiety and CPTSD. So yes I’m being selfish with my level of discomfort, and with what I want. I literally told my boyfriend that I need to move out, if his friend is moving in because the stress could quite literally kill me, as I have so much on my plate as is, and we just found out I have serious heart issues. I could go into cardiac arrest from all the stress essentially.
I’ve tried breaking it down lightly… but how the hell do I make my point clear?! Does it not seem weird for him to side with his internet best friend?! This is only the second time they have EVER met face to face. His friend is moving in at the end of next week. I don’t have anywhere to go. I cannot rent a room due to my disabilities, and the fact I have a cat who I refuse to get rid of as she is my ESA. I don’t have family or friends to turn to, and honestly I am terrified that I will go homeless again.
I feel like he isn’t listening. I get me having issues with this is selfish, and petty. If our rooms weren’t literally RIGHT NEXT to each other? This wouldn’t be so much of an issue… but it just makes me feel super uncomfortable. I haven’t even been able to get dressed without freaking out because our door doesn’t have a lock and I cant add one.
Can anyone give some advice on how I can make my point heard…? 🙁
Edit: So I did a dumb thing. I went to our leasing office this morning, and told them everything. The lady told me that I have to sign off on his buddy moving in, and vice versa. She supposedly wasn’t allowed to tell me that but had to anyways due to it being a DV.
Edit 2: My phone died as I was typing originally my bad. Basically they also told me that I physically have to sign off if I want him to move in, AND he has to sign off if **I** want to leave which makes it even harder. At least, until our lease ends. **I want to preface, I do NOT have family or friends who I can live/crash with for a bit, or whom I could rent with**. The only family I have is dying, and or cant take me in. I don’t really have any friends who *arent* in relationships and already living with an S/O as well. I’ll be calling 211 on Monday (my day off work), to see what can be done. If we are being truthful, ive only stayed this long because he gets better for a bit… usually right before we need to sign another lease. I grew up in a very bad home, and didn’t realize these signs too soon. I’m basically just using him for a roof over my head at this point. I went homeless when I was 19, and that’s not something I want to experience again. So I’ve just been… toughing it out. Accepting that I’m “such a bad person” and that “nobody will ever love me”. All shit he has funneled into my head.
**I truly thank those of you whom are concerned for my safety, wellbeing, and just overall concerned about WTF is going on in my shit boyfriends head. I don’t have friends who actually check up on me, or let alone care, so just knowing that im NOT crazy and that this raises so many red flags? Helps me gather my thoughts and make me feel less.. psychotic. So I truly thank you guys. ❤️**
21 comments
Why are you allowing this?
Move out if he goes through with it. He doesn’t give a shit about you or your opinions
Your boyfriend isn’t going to listen to you if he hasn’t already.
The fact that he’s comfortable allowing his friend to live with you without contributing to the bills, doesn’t listen to your very real and valid concerns about the situation and the effect on your health, pretty much shows you your place in his world. He’s putting a virtual stranger he met on-line above you and your needs. That is a huge red flag. It’s also a huge red flag that he coerced you into giving up your SDiT, if you qualified to have one.
You told your boyfriend you would need to move out if his friend moves in, and he didn’t respond because he knows it would be difficult, if not impossible, for you to actually do it.
You need to make plans to get out of this relationship and living situation.
Are you both on the lease? If so, do you think your landlord would let you out of it? And would having a 3rd person living there be a violation of the terms of your lease? How long is your current lease? Would it be possible to find another apartment where your bedrooms aren’t next to each other, and where you could put a lock on your bedroom door?
Do you have any income at all? Any potential for a remote job? Any financial resources?
If you are getting any therapy or mental health services, do you have access to any support programs that could help with finding a place to live, or that can offer you some financial assistance? You say that you are disabled and have a pet, but that shouldn’t disqualify you from living somewhere if you have some form of income. It will likely take some time to find an acceptable place to live if you plan to move out.
Talk to your landlord. Tell him/her you do not feel safe around this guy. Ask the landlord about this guy taking over your spot on the lease so you can leave. Or talk to the landlord about denying adding this guy to the lease. I doubt any landlord would be happy to have 4 animals in an apartment, one being a puppy. Maybe he/she has a one bedroom that he would transfer your lease over to.
You probably should have had a talk about this long before his friend moved in.
And now, you should probably move out if you can’t speak to either of them about the situation.
This is one of those times where you cannot make everyone happy and keep your sanity.
You have to speak up, you have to put your foot down and you have to make it very clear that this friend will not be moving in. Don’t tell your boyfriend its a bad idea, don’t tell him you don’t want it, don’t tell him you are uncomfortable with this, be very firm that this person will not live here.
Let him know that you will not sign anything, not pay anything towards additional deposit and that you will let the leasing office know that you do not want that person in your apartment. Let him know that if it comes to that you are willing to call the cops but that person will not live here period. And that you will be moving out at the end of the lease if your boyfriend tries anything sneaky.
Your boyfriend needs to know that you are deadly serious about this. He needs to realize the severity of this. And if he does not care even after all that then you should absolutely not be with that man period. He does not care about you, about your feelings or comfort or fears. Be ready to break up and be better.
This situation sounds absolutely intolerable. When I opened this post I assumed he was inviting his friend to stay for a brief period while he gets set up with his own place, but apparently this is intended to be permanent?? Hell, it was unacceptable to unilaterally invite someone to come live in your shared space even when I thought it was for a few weeks tops, let alone forever.
There are so many giant glaring red flags here.
>The walls are paper thin, and both my boyfriend and his best friend are loud as hell. I’m autistic, and get VERY overstimulated easy with noise.
> his friend is CONSTANTLY high or drunk. I have yet to see him sober and he has been with us 3 days already.
>I feel incredibly uncomfortable being the only woman in the household, and having a random male who I DO NOT KNOW living in our house.
>**he is letting his friend stay here RENT FREE**. Our rent is $2000/mo. Add other bills like utilities and groceries on and shit gets expensive.
Emphasis mine because that one is especially insane.
>his friend, is bringing in 2 dogs. On top of the 2 cats we already have. One of which is a puppy. **This upsets me as my bf just guilt tripped me just last month, into rehoming my SDiT..**
Emphasis mine again because how fucking dare he? He made you get rid of a service dog and now his buddy is bringing in multiple pets??
>alongside me having SEVERE anxiety and CPTSD. So yes I’m being selfish with my level of discomfort
You are **not** being selfish, at all. Even without the anxiety and CPTSD (and I’m still seeing red that he made you get rid of your service dog) and all the other factors at the end of the day it’s incredibly selfish OF HIM to just invite someone to move into your place without your permission. He was wrong even when I thought this was temporary and didn’t know about your extenuating circumstances. Now he’s **insanely** wrong. There is absolutely nothing selfish about your position here whatsoever, I really need you to hear and understand that. You are not in the wrong, at all. Your boyfriend is. And he keeps getting wronger:
>we just found out I have serious heart issues
> Does it not seem weird for him to side with his internet best friend?! This is only the second time they have EVER met face to face.
What the hell??
>I don’t have anywhere to go. I cannot rent a room due to my disabilities, and the fact I have a cat who I refuse to get rid of as she is my ESA.
I am so sorry you’re stuck in this situation, it is not at all fair to you. Are there any shelters nearby that might could take you and your cat in? Because if your boyfriend doesn’t care yet he’s not going to, and frankly this relationship sounds horrible.
>I feel like he isn’t listening.
You feel that way because he isn’t listening. I suspect he knows your options are very limited, so he’s doing whatever the hell he feels like thinking that you have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do except live with it. There’s no way he’s so clueless that he hasn’t realized yet that this is a horrible situation for you, he just doesn’t **care**.
>I get me having issues with this is selfish, and petty.
It absolutely isn’t, at all. You are having the most reasonable and understandable issues in the history of issues.
> I haven’t even been able to get dressed without freaking out because our door doesn’t have a lock and I cant add one.
This keeps getting worse. And I don’t trust the “friend” your boyfriend barely knows at all, either.
>Can anyone give some advice on how I can make my point heard…? 🙁
I’m sorry to have to tell you this but he’s already heard your point, he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t think you can or will actually leave him over this so he’s doing what he wants to do without giving a damn how it impacts you.
If you’re comfortable sending a private message with your location I can start doing some research on potential shelters or resources for you in your area. My wife used to run a Domestic Violence nonprofit, which I know isn’t exactly the situation here (it’s not that far off to be honest, it almost sounds like your boyfriend is taking advantage of your disabilities to stomp all over your boundaries) but there are resources available everywhere, just about, and lots of different types of shelters for different types of situations. We may can find someplace that will take you and your cat in until you can work out some other arrangement.
If your paying rent and your on the contract talk to the landlord and I’m sure he will do something
Here is something you should know. When a man wants you, he is possessive. He is not comfortable with another man seeing you all vulnerable. This says a lot about him. Not you. Men protect their space
You aren’t important to him
It’s funny that your concern in the title is ruining *their* friendship.
Dude, he’s already picked this guy over you. He made his choice. You just don’t believe him.
I would just move out and leave a note.
Girl do yourself a favor and get out of this relationship
Tell him you are leaving. He wants to fund his friend’s life and have him as a roommate. Let him.
Ok DONT sign off your permission. You don’t want this person there. Do not give permission. Go to the office and tell them you do not approve and you are unable to control this issue without involving them and or the police. For your safety you need to do this. Everything you know about this dude is Jackshit. Drunk/high/gambler/dogs/no money/no respect for you ot your property or your ESA! GET OUT! FREAKING RUN SO DAMN FAR AWAY! They don’t hear you now can you imagine how much respect they will have for you when they are on the couch ordering you to cook clean get groceries wash their clothes. Who is feeding his 2 dogs? Who is feeding him? Do you even hear yourself? Throw your ultimate fit and end this situation. I was trafficked and beat earlier in my life so I get so frustrated by these posts. Nobody cared for me but I try to open as many eyes as I can.
The leasing office is going to let someone crash at your place without being on the lease AND letting him bring 2 dogs? WTF?
Can you talk to your leasing office again regarding the rent and let them know that if a third person is going on the lease, you will only be paying 1/3 of the rent and you will be paying it directly to them? That at least takes care of your boyfriend thinking that he can not only force this situation on you but force you to fund it as well, which is just bonkers. Insist on splitting all other bills 3 ways as well. If your boyfriend balks because his friend doesn’t have a job, tell him that’s not your problem and that if he *insists* on doing this for his friend, he needs to be the one paying his friend’s way, *not* you. That will hopefully give you a little bit of extra cash to stash to help you in getting out of there. Are any of the household bills in your name? If so, get them into your boyfriend’s name ASAP. Do not have *anything* in your name. You don’t want to be responsible if they stop giving you money for the bills.
What is the rental situation like where you are? Is a studio apartment out of your budget? What about roommates? Is there a college or uni around you that might have some kind of central ‘roommate wanted’ listings? Even if you aren’t a student, you could still find a roommate that way. Are there any organizations, non-profits or support groups near you for people with your disability? Could there be some resources available for you through those?
I had a couple of friends let my brother, my cat and I move in. Even though they knew me for over half a decade and had helped them over the years when things got tough, they still had to talk about it like a team. After they decided to allow us to move in together, and the dust settled from the drama from us leaving our old home, we still had to take care of the home and respect the residents.
The biggest thing I want to emphasize is that the two worked together on the subject. It wasn’t something that was one knew and decided on their own like it was a meal they wanted to eat. They talked it out like 2 adults.
The thing with your situation is that you already did vocalize to your boyfriend. The problem is that he does not care if you choose to stay with him or not. I want to say that he IS betting that you will not leave because he knows your situation due to the fact he is being very brazen with what he is telling you. He knows your situation and just doesn’t care.
So, you got your two choices: stay with him, his friend and his dogs where you will probably give yourself a heart attack over. Or, start looking for a new place to stay that will take you and your cat.
No matter how you look at this, the relationship is broken.
Sit your BF down and share the concerns you written here.
Now, who has the lease? If your BF does and his friend does stay there, negotiare a time limit and lay down rules. Are you able to find another place if you need to? Why I ask is that you may have to threaten to leave. If you threaten, you always need to be ready to follow through ….otherwise it is an empty threat.
There is the possibility that your BF will do whatever he wants and will not agree to limit the stay. For your own sanity, you will need to leave. Always have an escape plan.
As you are paying a share of the rent, why don’t you get a say in it?
This is a bad sign about your bf. Dump him and leave. Then he can live with this guy he likes so much.
Tell him you entered into a relationship with him, not him plus.
You don’t want to live in a share house. Has nothing to do with him being the “bad guy”, but it also may spell the end of the relationship.
I do not think that your position is unreasonable. He unilaterally made a choice that affects you.
The fact the barnacle already grown comfortable enough to quit his job is also alarming. He’s not just a bad houseguest, he’s now a non-paying roommate.
I’ve had roommates that have the misconception that the party never stops. And that isn’t true. The Party can come to a very sudden stop if you piss off your roommates enough.
There is no light/friendly/joking solution here. Only a very uncomfortable conversation and some possibly relationship ending consequences.
When my husband and BFF and I were 24 we moved into a shared townhouse together to help her with moving expenses. She is a chill person and had a job and her own life. Cleaned up after herself, didn’t invite strangers over, didn’t have a drug or alcohol problem. 25 years later she is still my best friend.
And it was so freaking annoying!! I am a neurotypical extrovert and get having someone other than my husband in the most of the time was stressful. Sex was stressful (we made a sex palette in our walk-in closet because sound traveled from our loft room). I would go to make dinner and discover we were out of milk or eggs or tuna because she had used the last and hadn’t noted it. She left her bedroom door that opened onto the patio unlocked and we got robbed.
Like nothing malicious or deliberately annoying but just so many unexpected variables because there was an extra person in the mix.
I wish you the best of luck that a shelter can get you between SUV and one-bedroom apartment soon.
I think I’m missing something but there was a mention of DV? If there is DV, be sure to ask when you call 211, from what the DV hotline told me, a landlord has to release a DV victim from the lease if they are leaving because there’s DV. I believe that is a federal law. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.