*I didn’t mean for this question to apply to DV survivors, more women who stayed with a partner after they cheated, only for you two to later break up or for them to cheat again. Or people who got with someone who was known to treat their partners badly (ie: lying, poor communication skills, obsessive). People who did things like that but the relationship didn’t last long enough/it wasn’t bad enough for it to be considered emotional abuse.
I feel like when people see you being treated badly, they tend to join in or shame you for being in a relationship like that. How did you escape that and get people to see you as a normal person again?
10 comments
He fell in love with someone else, and everyone saw them together. And then saw me with him still. Everyone looked at me like I was the definition of stupid. And I really couldn’t do anything. All my friends that were in my life during that relationship are no longer in my life, if you rather watch me drown than help me you can go with him into the garbage. I deserve everything and never nothing again. And while I still have that mindset, I sit here living a totally different life then before and I’m still being treated badly..and now I have absolutely no one in my life to get me out or shame me. It just be how it be. Atleast no one knows what happens inside and we look very happy on the outside. I escaped hell with the mindset of I deserve everything and I told him that, I told him that I was the best thing to happen to him and that hes going to life a miserable ass life again, hes going to go back to a life where I won’t be the one to soak up all the void in him. And I blocked him.
1. Admitted I was stupid and made a mistake. And if that didn’t stop it?
2. Fuck what they think. No reason to keep talking to them.
Made better choices later, brought up my average. Besides, I don’t associate much with the same people I did when I was in that toxic relationship.
Honestly I think after people see you under certain light, it’s highly probable that they won’t change their view of you. I’ve been through that and the only thing that helped me and the people around me, was time, getting help, going on a self-love journey, changing my group of friends (or at least getting new friends so I could catch a break from the shame and judgment sometimes). But in all honesty, once you’re comfortable in your skin and accept your past and who you are, what comes from the outside won’t matter to u <3
Usually that perception changes when you dump the person who’s treating you poorly or stop trying to win them back if they dumped you.
I haven’t had the experience of being shamed by other people; I have had other people ask what took me so long to top putting up with nonsense and I have had people tell me that they are glad I realized I could do better.
I made the smart decision after I knew I had a way out and left him literally over night. Something I should’ve done with the first threat 4 years prior but I was an idiot thinking he would change or that was the last time. It’s never the last time, it’s just the new norm day after day. My friends urged me to get out and my best friends just didn’t tolerate my woe is me attitude after a while. They stuck by me but it was like “leave that shit at the door if you’re still together”
Once I left him for someone else (extremely long story), and they met him and saw how he was with me, their temperament shifted.
Leave that person alone for good.
After my ex husband left for another woman I just stayed true to my own character. Despite knowing that his affair was the hot gossip of the town, I kept up with my same routines, and I stayed true to the kind, helpful, and focused person that I am. I continued going to my place of worship every week, the same grocery stores that we used to shop at weekly, etc. People were able to tell that I wasn’t a “fool” by the way I lived my life. In fact, I got a lot of compliments and respect for how I carried myself during that time. Eventually, people moved on to talking about something or someone else.
I’ve been the “shamer” so I thought I’d share. Genuinely, people are empathic and kind. Because at the end of the day, it could happen to any of us.
I have only thought this way about one friend, and this was a friend who had years of this problem. She had spent a year in a bad relationship – she begged her boyfriend to not breakup with her until spring break, so they spent the whole school year “on a break” so when spring break came, he broke up with her. She threw a fit when he had a girl over, but then got into a relationship 3 weeks later. And then she was on and off with this guy for 2 years. Pretty toxic stuff. Every time we talked, it was some new drama with him. There’s only so much empathy, so much advice, and then eventually do much patience you can give someone when they’re actively hurting themselves. So in a way, it took 3 years of BS to be “shamed.”
I genuinely think most people are forgiving because it could happen to them. It’s just when it’s a prolonged thing (not one time or two).
Stop being in a relationship with them