I go to the gym at five am every day and there is also a girl that goes at the same time. Occasionally, I notice her looking over in my direction which is weird but I think it’s all in my head.
Anyways, today I was leaving and I see out the corner of my eye that she is leaving at the same time.
She sees me and stops and kind of waits. I walked out and went to my car and was kind of petrified that she was avoiding walking near me? Like wtf happened? I don’t stare at her or anyone at the gym. It was so weird. Why would she do that?
37 comments
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She’s not avoiding *you,* (as in, You, a multi-faceted person with thoughts and feelings) she’s avoiding being caught alone in a parking lot with a strange man at 5am. This has absolutely nothing to do with you, unless you make it about you, and everything to do with her staying safe.
The only problem comes if you make it about you. She stayed back to stay safe, knowing it’s not worth it to bet her life on you being a decent stranger. You can now show her that you *are* a decent stranger by respecting her need to stay safe and recognizing it’s not about you.
Yeah, girls are typically pretty intimidated by strangers. It’s not you. It’s more of a defense mechanism.
Almost everyone does it man, don’t worry about it at all.
Don’t worry man, it’s important to acknowledge that this isn’t a defense mechanism against YOU but a defense mechanism against strangers while alone. There was just recently that terrible case of a man trying to rape a woman alone in a gym when it was dark out. Don’t go out of your way to avoid, just keep doing your thing and leave her be.
I have had face friends from my gym that are women do very similar things with me. People who will actively approach me to say hi when we’re in the safety of the supervised gym environment….she is just being cautious because she is a woman. It has nothing to do with you personally, and everything to do with a long track record of women being victimized both by men they know and those they don’t. There are a lot of things women unfortunately need to be more cognizant of when it comes to personal safety, and one of them is being in empty parking lots at odd hrs with guys that they don’t know particularly well.
I would recommend just listening to women when they talk about their personal safety and things they have to be aware of, to try and get a better understanding of these perspectives. As men we simply don’t have the same experiences. Not to say men can’t be victimized too, but the chances are just so much less significant, and we are much better suited to defend ourselves physically in a lot more scenarios, whereas most women will not be able to defend themselves physically against most men.
As a woman: it’s very possible that she was avoiding the threat of being alone in an unsafe place with an unknown man at 5:00 am. It’s ALSO possible that she was avoiding any kind of social interaction at 5:00 am because that is way too early to try to make small talk. Either way it has nothing to do with you personally.
Don’t even begin to take it personally or think this has anything to do with you as an individual. Beyond all the safety concerns, sometimes people just don’t feel like talking, even in the mildest of interactions. And that’s understandable, especially early in the morning, sweaty, and stinky. Perhaps she doesn’t like to interact and prefers to stay in “private” mode. Move on and don’t look back. Be an NPC as far as she’s concerned.
Tbh I might avoid walking out at the same time as someone just to avoid the awkward walking out at the same time. Kind of like when you say bye to someone but you leave in the same direction, I would go in a completely different direction than I have to just to avoid that awkward interaction lol it kinda feels the same way.
I think you’re thinking about this too hard based on your replies to people’s answers lol. Just let it go. Awhile ago I went up to a girl to ask her if she was using any of the pulley attachments and she immediately replied with “I’m married.” Didn’t even ask her yet. Just asked “excuse me, miss –” then got interrupted by her lol. Barely even started seeing her at the gym too. Some women are just over cautious cause of shit dudes they saw in real life or online.
Not everything needs to be about you
why so many downvotes on the op’s replies?? i doubt those downvotes would help a person’s social anxiety
When I go to let our dog just pee (10min max) and it’s dark and I see an other dude or person on the same route walking I’m like nope nope nope nope fck off can’t do this
This is Thomas Sowell’s discrimination A and discrimination B in a nutshell.
Discrimination A is discrimination in settings where the act of prejudice itself has little or no cost – not hiring someone who looks like a gang banger because he looks like a gang banger, for example.
Discrimination B is discrimination in a setting where the costs and benefits are so out of proportion that not discriminating is highly irrational – guy who looks like a gang banger is walking towards you on the sidewalk at 3:00 AM, so you switch sides of the street because he looks like a gang banger.
Both are discriminatory, prejudicial, and both examples operate on exactly the same set of judgments and beliefs. But one is fairly hard to criticize, at least while being reasonable.
A woman trying to avoid a stranger at 5 in the morning is basically always going to fall under discrimination B.
Don’t be too hard on yourself man.
My first thought is the analogy about how women walk to their cars alone at night vs. how men walk to their cars at night. Every girl you know as a family member or friend will tell you they at least once carried their keys sticking out from between their fingers clenched in a balled fist in the expectation that someone, anyone, might jump out and try to do something bad to them.
And, it’s not your fault, there’s nothing you yourself said or did, or really the the majority if not all the men reading this. The fault is the conditioning from society for decades.
Unfortunately, the way we treat victims of SA we place a large burden of the blame back on them. The best analogy I can think of is this:
You own a house, and you’re going on vacation for a week. You have a friend pick up the mail, a neighbour keep up with the lawn, and set timers on a couple lights to simulate someone being home. And, you already have the best locks and lock up all the doors and windows. You come back from vacation, and learn your house was broken into, vandalized, and robbed of the possessions you value you most.
When you file the report, the investigator hears your prevention methods and goes “yeah, but why didn’t you buy an alarm system? Why didn’t you install cameras? Why did you go on vacation? I noticed your curtains were open a crack in one window you know anyone could have peaked in saw how easy it would be to rob you. I’ll look into this, but I can’t promise we’ll find the guy based on what you’ve told me.”
So the kind of nit-picking that women have received as a result of a crime being done to their body, cuts so much more viscerally. We’ve learned to avoid it at any cost…we bought all the alarms to avoid the punishment from the criminal, and the justice.
Things have improved, but it’s going to be a long time before women are comfortable enough to let their guard down around say hi to the great guys that exist, like you.
Women have to constantly think about their safety. It’s a way of being in the world that many men never experience or can relate to. For instance, what many women do: carry keys in their hand ready to use as a weapon, carry a whistle or mace attached to their bag, check the back seat before getting in the car, lock all car doors once in, be extra careful when out a night or early morning (your example), avoid eye contact with men they don’t know, avoid physical contact with men they don’t know, keep identifying information away from eyes, use situational awareness e.g. being aware if anyone is recording them at the gym, etc. etc. etc.
I’ve had a salesman ask for a hug right after I bought something, a random man try to high five me, a weirdo being weird at the gas station standing near me but buying no gas whatsoever, a man chase me while I was on a run, an unknown guy ask me for my address while I was out on a walk, two men approach me right after I moved in, and a guy tried to open my car door at a rest stop at night. I’ve been stalked with phone calls, and an unknown guy repeatedly hung around my door to my apartment when I was in my 20s. It’s often a frightening world out there for women.
We have to be careful and on alert. This is not at all personal toward you or weird, she’s just being careful. Give her lots of space. If you are at all interested in her, just act normally and give it months — yes, months — for her to see how you behave around others and that you are a good guy. Because of how early it is, she has to be even more careful.
I’m a girl and I do that all the time to everyone. I hate social interactions if I dont have to make them. I actually get unreasonably annoyed when I have to enter/exit at the same time as someone else no matter who it is. It’s just how I am lol I hate interacting with strangers because I have to do it all day at work
Damn replies like these are always such an eye-opener. This is something that we (men) don’t have to think about at all. I makes me very sad that half of the population basically has to treat random strangers as potential danger…
dude, im in my 40’s and it was just last year i became self aware of the effect my presence can have on women. example: i walk a lot, early morning, late night, i have earbuds in and my hood up. i’m listening to audiobooks, podcasts, music whatever, but not looking to cause trouble, just going for a walk. if i happen to walk behind women at night on a sidewalk, imagine how scary that can be. you can’t really see my face, my hands are in the front pocket of my hoodie, and im twice their size. me, in my head, i’m just walking and listening to whatever is playing on my phone, to them, im a potential threat. it’s nothing personal against me, they dont know me. so now i try to make it a point to cross the street safely if i do notice a woman, or try to be less menacing (pull my hood down, get hands out of pockets, walk in the light so it’s easier to see me), just make myself less of a threat. the majority of the time, the average man is stronger than the average woman. is it really that much of an inconvenience to let them feel safer? imagine if it’s your sister, daughter, mom, homegirl, cousin, niece, whatever. you want them to feel safe right? help them feel that, do your thing, and let her do her thing. it’s the gym, you’re not there to socialize. you’re there to exercise. she pays to go there and exercise. so do you. so go there, exercise, and go about your day homie.
Every man is a danger if you don’t know them. Or even if you do.
It’s not personal. She’s protecting herself, specially because you left at the same time as her and you two never talked. We see these things as potencial danger?
I avoid everyone when I feel like I look gross. It’s not personal.
No matter how harmless you think you are, every woman is scared at 5 am. No one wants to be in a dark parking lot with a stranger. It’s best to just respect her space and understand that there are some shitty people out there, even if you aren’t one.
I don’t like walking out at the same time as other people it’s a bit awkward
Women will often not walk to their cars if there’s another man out there and it’s pretty isolated otherwise. When she checks at you, she’s making sure you’re *not* staring at her and that it’s just a coincidence y’all go to the gym at the same time, because she doesn’t know. I would have waited to go to my car too, it’s not personal. I’ve had men start banging on my car windows and shit and you learn pretty quick.
Just focus on yourself you’re getting distracted over nothing
Ask several women you know to tell you creepy stories of their experiences with men and you will get a terrifying barrage of horror movie plots. We are always on guard.
This is a great topic with fantastic advice!
Unfortunately women have to be careful about their safety because there are predatory men out there. Don’t take it personally she is doing it to other people too.
Some things you can do to make her feel safer:
1. Depending on the situation you can smile or briefly say hi and then go about her business. I personally like to put on a smile sometimes to show I am friendly.
2. But other times make a point of ignoring her because looking at her may make her feel like maybe you have noticed her and have bad intentions.
This kind of stuff used to happen to me frequently (6ft 200lb bearded dude).
Now with one or two of our kids in tow, the same ladies that would tuck their purses and run will literally come over to talk to my little dudes 😁 must be the happily married safe dad vibes.
I was in University 30 years ago, and I would hate going out to bars: usually all the women would stare daggers at me, I’d avert my eyes. I “knew” I wasn’t welcome, I was a threat, I was ugly or looked weird. Same just walking in the halls or on the street. It really killed my self-esteem, I couldn’t talk to them, I was never able to get up the guts to make inroads into getting a girlfriend until after I graduated.
(all of the above may be true, however…) I learned later on that most guys experienced the same thing: women see all unknown men as a threat.
If only I had known this…
I see at the gym guys trying to talk with girls all the time. Sometimes even several guys in a row. The girl always seems visually distressed, trying to keep working out but being polite. Other girls would just straight up ignore the dude and keep working out… The guy would keep trying to talk with her even if she is using these very noticeable earphones.
My point is, a lot of people use the gym as a sanctuary to unwind and relax by themselves. Try taking some classes for fun such cooking or dancing, where people will be more open to socialize.
I wouldn’t pay any mind to her actions, honestly. People are going to act creeped out sometimes, and it’s not anyone’s fault. Just go about your day.
I do this because I do not like to talk to people.
Probably because you haven’t broken the ice with her so she’s apprehensive of what type of person you are. I would just keep passively ignoring her at this point and wait for her to get used to you being there and eventually engage you first. Then anything can happen.
To all people petrified of staring at women in the gym; just be normal. You see some girl in the gym at the same time as you early in the morning? Wow! Respect! Give her a smile and a nod and continue your day. And even if you had worse intentions and you liked her booty for example, own it! Let her know you like her booty and that you stare at it. If thats a problem for her, she can show that and when you see that, you stop the hunt then and there. She wasnt interested or didnt like your clear sign of interest. Thats okay. And thats it… dont make it so complicated guys im getting sick of seeing all this fear mongering spreading!
Oh man honestly don’t take it personally, this girl isn’t avoiding you but the potential risk of being in a vulnerable situation with a man she doesn’t know at 5am. unfortunately as a woman myself this is precautions we have to take to keep ourselves from harm, but like i said its not about you as an individual its about her looking out for herself and making sure that she’s safe.
she probably was, u shouldnt take it personal tho its something any girl would probably do just in case.