TW: r*pe
When I was 17 my (ex) boyfriend at the time anally raped me. We’d had a fair few drinks, we were having (consensual) sex, he suddenly put it in my ass and carried on despite my protests. It was not an accident, I cried and said no and tried to move away, he held me down and continued until he finished.
The next day I nervously broached the topic with him that I had not consented to this and felt violated, and he threatened and gaslit me into never telling another soul. I was young, he was a few years older, and I thought no one would believe me since I had consented to sex anyway. So I tried to forget about it, and for the most part I have.
Fast forward five years and I’m (23f) in a loving relationship with my current boyfriend (23m), who is so kind and like no one I’ve met before. We have been together for a few years now, and I love him dearly. He does not know about this aforementioned non-consensual anal.
Over the past year, my boyfriend has been wanting to try anal. I have also, I trust him and this is something I want to try. However, given my previous experience, I am very apprehensive.
I have told him how nervous I am, especially since he is very big, and have stressed how important it is to me for this to be done slowly- lots of foreplay, and warning beforehand. He has made “jokes” about not wanting to waste time on foreplay (I don’t think this is a joke since we don’t really do any foreplay before sex usually), and being more of a “spur of the moment” kind of guy to get in the mood. Because of these comments, I have not agreed to anal.
This all came to a head last night after we’d both had a few drinks and things got frisky. We were having sex, and he suddenly tried to put it in my ass. I froze up due to my previous trauma, and he tried a few times to put his dick in but due to the lack of lube and my extreme clenching it did not go in (although it did really hurt) and we just continued having normal sex without saying anything about it. After, we both fell asleep, so I have not spoken to him about it yet.
I’m now left feeling extremely anxious about the whole thing. I don’t know if what happened last night was an accident, but it really brought back this previous trauma to the front of my mind and it’s now all I can think about. I didn’t want to tell my current boyfriend about this previous experience because I don’t want it to be on his mind if we try anal, but I think after last night he should know so he can better understand my apprehension.
So my question is, how do I broach this topic with my boyfriend? I don’t want to make him feel guilty, but I really need him to understand why I need this to be a very gentle experience at least while I’m getting used to it. After last night, I am honestly feeling very nervous about even having regular sex in case the same thing happens again and I get anal without warning or consent. Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you.
TLDR: my boyfriend doesn’t know I’m so nervous to try anal due to a previous rape I experienced, how do I tell him about it without ruining the experience for him or making him feel guilty?
48 comments
…your boyfriend also sexually assaulted you.
He didn’t just try once because he was drunk and horny. He repeatedly tried despite you freezing and clenching up, without, in your words, ‘warning or consent’.
Also ignored all your concerns about it hurting etc.
You are making excuses for his behaviour and you need to tell him clearly he assaulted you. But you need to recognise that first.
I’m assuming he knows you haven’t agreed to trying anal because of his “jokes”?
Your gonna have to learn to except that he also raped u and your gonna need to run away from that relationship. U can inbox me if u want to.
Even without previous rape experience what your bf did is not okay. You do not under any circumstances try having anal with someone without checking for explicit consent. The fact that he kept trying despite you freezing up and clenching is really concerning to me. That’s not a good caring bf, alcohol or no alcohol.
You’ve also been clear about needing lots of foreplay for sex and he didn’t even bother trying any anal foreplay. He just went for it. I don’t think his “jokes” about not wanting to do foreplay are just jokes. His actions align with that.
It’s no wonder that you’re nervous about having sex with this guy. He disregarded your consent when he tried anal, I wouldn’t feel safe with someone who did that either. He needs to feel guilty about what he did and he needs to learn about consent because he’s clearly clueless. What he did is not okay in any way
I think this is definitely a conversation you need to have with your current bf. If you don’t decide to leave after he attempted to be the second person to rape you.
I want you to have the conversation and to watch his response. Any attempt to downplay, joke about or excuse what happened the first time, is a red flag. You’ve got an opportunity here to find out who this man, who tried to anally rape you, really is. Tell him about the first time, tell him how it felt when he tried to repeat the experience for you. Watch him try to explain it all away and leave him.
I don’t think you understand the reasons why (some) guys are so insistent on anal. It’s actually pretty disturbing. You don’t have to give this to him. He’s not entitled to it, even though he and your ex think they are.
YSK a truly good guy does not want sex that has a near guarantee to inflict pain on the receiver. If they wanted it at all, they would go about it in an entirely different manner.
Honestly? Your current boyfriend sounds like an asshole. His “jokes” are a completely inconsiderate and inappropriate response to you voicing your concerns and boundaries, and the fact that he already doesn’t put any effort into foreplay makes him a lazy and selfish lover.
I would be hesitant to bring up your past experience only because I’m skeptical he’s a trustworthy person who has your best interests at heart. I know that’s not a nice thing to hear about someone you care about; and I know we only know these few select details about him; but that’s how it appears from the outside.
Here’s my advice: don’t bring up the rape. At least not yet. Instead, ask him about what happened last night. Try to be as neutral about it as possible (don’t accuse him of anything or get angry right off the bat). If he responds with *anything* other than embarrassment and apologies over making a stupid mistake and not realizing he was trying to put it in the wrong hole, I would take some time to seriously reconsider whether this is a person you want to be with.
I don’t think boyfriend ever did anal before, otherwise he would know better. Seems like he just saw it in some porn and wants to try.
I would tell him that if he really wants to try it he has to let you put a big dildo up his ass first, so that he can understand how it really works.
And I would tell him about the previous experience, and that what he did is actually very bad, he could be arrested for it, and you could have been injured.
I’m sorry, OP, but it sounds like you’re with another abusive guy. People with past trauma can have trouble recognizing when they’re in an unhealthy situation when it’s “not as bad” as previous instances.
Your boyfriend had been “joking” about not giving a shit about you and then showed you that he wasn’t joking. He tried to rape you just like your ex did. If he truly cared about your consent, he wouldn’t have tried to do what he did.
Please get out and seek therapy. It’s important to get therapy after trauma so that you can learn how to recognize when you’re in another abusive situation.
It’s not easy to say that you know😂
For the record, if you were 17 and your ex was a few years older, consensual or not, its statutory rape of a minor, you should have reported it to authorities, I dont know if you still can
Whether you tell him the reason why we’re not is up to you. He is not entitled to it. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
I’m sorry but this guy clearly disregards your feelings when to comes to sex. The whole lack of foreplay thing is already a major red flag. I think you should tell him about what has happened to you and if he doesn’t change how he behaves with you then ending it is probably for the best.
Edit: Honestly forget it. this guy’s just as rapey as the other guy. Dont bother telling him about anything. you should just dump his ass.
Yeah, you previous bf is a rapist, and your this boyfriend is also a rapist as he try to do it. My elder sister and mother use to kiss me even if is resist means both of them are molester, I feel i better leave this earth where everybody is rapist and molesters🐢🥴
I think it’s important to understand that what happened when you were 17 was not an isolated incident. By that, I mean that you will find yourself in similar situations if you don’t pay attention to being more intentional in your relationships.
Most people don’t get into relationships with assholes. Abusers are kind, gentle, loving, caring people. Or at least they try to appear to be. They will wine and dine you to the best of their ability. But you need to stop making excuses for people and open your eyes to the obvious warning signs.
I am not saying you are willfully naive. We all start out this way when we first start dating. But you need to look at things more objectively.
You said your current is a kind and gentle soul. But you also said he jokes about not wanting to waste time on foreplay and that he currently doesn’t. In my experience, a person who doesn’t want to include foreplay is a selfish person in other aspects of life. That selfishness tends to stem from insecurities. We all have insecurities, but when we don’t learn how to resolve them, we can become angry and take that anger out on the people around us. It sounds like this is what your boyfriend’s strategy is.
Also, anal sex can be extremely painful without the person even meaning for it to be. This is why my partners tend to avoid it. If you care about someone and you’ve experienced anal yourself, it’s difficult to subject a person you love to it. I don’t want to put you off trying it. It can be enjoyable. But only if you use lube(this is non-negotiable) and go very slowly and carefully. So, your boyfriend’s choice to forego both those crucial steps tells me is not as gentle and kind as he wants you to believe.
As someone who has been subjected to some gruesome shit, the best way I have to protect myself is not to be alone and naked with people I don’t feel comfortable confronting. Confrontation is uncomfortable, especially when you have unresolved trauma. I know that I prefer to avoid confrontation, so it isn’t a good idea for me to allow someone I am intimidated by to isolate me. If you aren’t secure enough with your boyfriend to speak freely, then I would stop seeing him in private. I know this is counterintuitive, and at 23, we all just want to cuddle up with someone and watch Netflix. But when your mental and physical wellbeing is at stake, it is worth considering a different approach.
I haven’t given details of my assault to anyone ever. It is too upsetting to talk about, so I simply house not to. Not because I find it unbearable or impossible, I just prefer talking about other topics. And that’s worked perfectly fine for me. My current partner doesn’t ask questions, and I never need to justify my requests by giving details of my past.
A good partner won’t need you to give him examples, reasons, arguments, witness statements, and hard evidence to simply ask for a little consideration. There is no reason to settle for this guy. Is this a dynamic you want to be in for the next 50 years? Sometimes, instead of trying to change a mediocre boyfriend, it’s more efficient to find a new one.
We all have flaws, but disregarding your partner’s comfort should immediately disqualify a person from being your partner.
I’ve kinda been on both sides of this and even though I loved alcohol, and still consume it, being intoxicated in any way is never an excuse for a guy to cross any boundary.
It’s especially bad since you seem to have already made your boundaries clear. Current bf is an orange flag sorry.
Please break up and find a man who actually cares about your pleasure and your consent.
I promise they exist. Skipping foreplay when it’s something you want is not what you want the rest of your life to be.
You don’t even need to bring up your trauma. He NEEDS TO MAKE IT FEEL GOOD FOR YOU.
If he doesn’t, I’m afraid he is not the “very loving” boyfriend as you describe him to be, and you are nothing but a sex object to him.
A real loving relationship prioritizes each other’s needs to feel good and be pleased. If he says foreplay is a “waste of time”, it just shows that he doesn’t care for your feelings at all. You should be giving more weight and emphasis on having foreplay, that you want to feel wanted and desired.
Gaaah this is why I hate guys with big packages. They just don’t know how to please a woman, thinking all they need to do is to ram their big 🍆 inside the hole. Annoying fcks.
First of all, alcohol was involved and can seriously mess with your decision making ability. So I think you need to set a boundary that anal is out completely if alcohol is involved. Second I highly recommend a therapist / sex therapist to deal with your trauma. This could be one way to broach the subject. Third, no matter how you go about it, if he is as caring and sensitive as you say, then he is not going to feel guilty and he should have it on his mind because it will help him be gentle and understanding. I think the fact that you are willing to try despite your horrific trauma shows a lot about how you care for him. Any man with a woman like you should be very thankful.
My wife and I have been married 22 years and she will still try to go back to things we’ve tried before that didn’t work out or she didn’t like. Two reasons are one she loves me and knows my kinks, fantasies, interests and two because tastes change. I again highly recommend finding a good sex therapist. We are seeing one to make our sex lives the best we can and for us that involves dealing with shame, guilt, and confidence as a result of religious upbringing on her side and sexual assault/ molestation at a very young age on my side.
I wish you two the best of luck and hope you can come back and share how things go.
It’s always best to be honest. I can imagine that if you don’t tell him about your past experiences, he’s going to think it’s him. He’s causing the problems. Tell him the truth and how having sex that way makes you feel. Maybe if he knew a little about what you experienced, he would take things a little more gingerly. (He probably should try to take things more gently when it comes to that right from the get go.) Do things proper. Or not at all if you absolutely don’t like it.
There’s work that needs to be done before Anal Penetration.
You need to talk to him and you froze for a reason and if you are willing to take anal slower I’m willing or eventually be ready on my own terms.
Prep self stretching, anal play with gradual size of toys before PIA
You don’t deserve these dudes
you don’t have to tell him about the rape
you can tell him to go very gently
and if he doesn’t just don’t do anal with him
because if i was in your place i wouldn’t know how to explain it to him either
Choose a good moment when you will be together so that nothing distracts you. Tell him that there is a question that is very important to you and you are very worried. Then tell him the whole truth, that you were hurt and what you feel. There should be no secrets from each other in a relationship. If he loves you, he will understand, accept it and do everything as carefully as possible. I’m sure he needs to be told how to do it better!
Arre kehna kya chahate to
Your current boyfriend just also attempted to rape you. It’s the same thing. He didn’t succeed, but this is a huge problem. Alcohol doesn’t turn men into rapists, OP. This is not caring or loving, and skipping foreplay when you usually have sex would’ve been a deal breaker for me personally to begin with, but this is the nail in the coffin. Absolutely not okay. In your shoes I wouldn’t bother telling him about your trauma because I’d be done with him either way.
Personally, if I’m in a relationship I think is serious, I let them know everything because I don’t want to hide who I am and what I’ve been through from someone I love. With that said, a lot of women I know think they need to justify their wants to their partner and that couldn’t be further from the truth. You can say no for any reason, even no reason.
If you would tell him this happened outside of the context of trying anal, then you should do it. If you wouldn’t, don’t. I would definitely go into trauma therapy if you haven’t.
I feel like giving advice online can be tricky, I don’t know you, him, your guys’ relationship at all. Things can be perceived in multiple ways. Him joking about foreplay could mean that he’s a dick and doesn’t care or could mean he’s self conscious about his performance and doesn’t know how to tell you so he jokes his way out. How have your previous conversations about anal been? You say you both want to try and you’ve told him that? Have you said after a few drinks you’d be down to try? Could be a case of man being really simple. “Last time we talked about anal she said she’d like to have some drinks first then she’d like to try, we’ve had a few drinks now so maybe it’s time to try”
There’s been times in my life where I’ve been told I’m not spontaneous enough, maybe he is trying to be spontaneous, maybe he doesn’t understand what all goes into anal and that it can actually hurt. Early 20s still not sex experts. Or communication experts. You need to have a conversation with him straight up about your sex life. If he does actually care about you he’ll want to learn how to please you better. If he thinks he’s not good at foreplay tell him you’ll tech him what you need, learn each other together. If you like to be spontaneous and keep things fresh then tell him that but be clear that anal can’t be included in that. Communication needs to happen. Things get mucked up if proper communication isn’t happening and both parties are trying to guess their way through situations.
What has happened to you previously is very unfortunate and I think it is important for him to know that has happened to you. Also this is besides the point but my personal opinion is alcohol fucking sucks, it can really mess up situations quickly, especially sex because both the mind and the body aren’t perceiving reality correctly and things get bad.
I hope things go well with your guys’ relationship and you are able to figure this out together. Or if he’s actually a shit bag I hope you learn that and are able to leave. Good luck
Sit him down and talk. You gotta start somewhere and the simplest place is at the start. “Hey I need to talk to you about sex. I need to talk to you about some trauma I had some years back and I want to talk to you about what I do and don’t like, do and want to do and how we can work together.
Men are shit at guessing.
The people saying that your current BF did this without to it consent is so wrong are a little off key.
Not everything is discussed before it’s tried…you don’t go straight for anal yet if the words are expressly mentioned no (you did mention you want to try it) then what did he do wrong?
It seems like it’s been discussed but not well enough.
Take time and listen to your partner, if they don’t like it STOP.
OP stated he tried several times…plenty of time to say no. Say no if it’s not on or we need lube if you are wanting to do anal.
Anal needs lube and like anything you should have a clear indication that it’s ok or not.
Just going for it is usually not going to be ok.
He shouldn’t feel guilty.
Tell him you want to do things just go slow and communicate.
Do NOT tell him. He attempted to rape you? He will use the fact that you’re vulnerable against you. I’m so sorry. I hope you heal and end up with someone who always EXPLICITLY respects you, and tucks you in when you’re drunk, because the thought of having sex with you in that state is uncomfortable, because he loves you enough to know you. That’s all you deserve, period.
You say your bf is kind but then you also say he doesn’t like to waste time in foreplay even when engaging in regular sex … does this sound like a man who is considerate of you?
There are separate things going on here.
>Because of these comments, I have not agreed to anal
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>[…]
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>he suddenly tried to put it in my ass
This is the first point. You’ve talked about anal sex, and you’ve not consented to trying it – and yet, he not only surprised you with an attempt, it appears to have been a somewhat forceful attempt as well.
This should not be acceptable behavior – regardless of whether you had been assaulted previously or not. I think you should make this as a point unto itself; make it crystal clear to your boyfriend that you are not going to tolerate this kind of behavior. He needs to respect your decisions and your consent (or the lack thereof). The fact that he already doesn’t is a cause for some concern.
>how do I tell him about it without ruining the experience for him or making him feel guilty?
Don’t worry so much about “ruining the experience for him” or “making him feel guilty”. This will be a learning experience for him, and quite frankly it sounds like he desperately needs to receive it.
Start out with making the first point. Don’t make it into a dialogue, let it be a monologue where you inform him that you expect him to honor your consent *to the letter* from this point going forward. Don’t accept any “but I only wanted to…” tales. I’m not saying to disbelieve him or be mad at him just for the sake of being mad, he may truly have been under this impression or the other — but that’s really besides the point, too.
Whether he meant well or not, whether he thought he’d seen a sign in you that made it okay, blah blah blah – none of those things matter going forward, the *only* thing that matters is whether you give consent or not. Don’t let him argue that point, don’t give even an inch. If he wants to have sex with you, he *will* listen to whether you say yes or no – there should be no debate about that, no arguing, no ifs and buts from him. If he says anything other than “of course, you’re totally right, and I’m sorry”, then he’s completely missed the point.
Once that boundary has been etched into stone with indestructable neon lights … then, you can bring up the assault. I advise this order of events, because him listening to you and respecting your consent shouldn’t be dependant on him knowing about an assault – he should already be doing those things regardless.
Tell him or not, but you might want to as it will make him understand where you are coming from and probably slow down.
The main thing I wanted to comment on is just use a butt plug before. Like maybe buy 2, a small one and a big one almost the size of him. Practice with the small one if you can’t get the big one in. On the day of leave the big one in for 20-30 mins prior then continue using lots of lube. The rectum doesn’t produce lubricant like the vagina does. You HAVE to use a lot of lube.
You could also practice with a dildo alone.
Sounds like you may want to examine your chose in partners.
If your boyfriend is as kind as you say then you’ll be okay.
Just have a gentle and frank discussion with him.
Rape is a very traumatic experience, so if possible look into counselling as well for yourself.
Also lots of lube….. Empty one entire bottle if you must.
I’ve always believed even though not the best topic to bring up once meeting someone is sexual interests rather than finding out later on and everything falling apart.
Bringing it up early makes the person saying it as if they have shallow conversation.
Fine line so has to be brought up jokingly in conversation.
There’s a right way to do A 1st time. That’s why some females if they say they don’t do it it might be as had a bad experience.
A is a very pleasurable experience if done right
Lack of lube? Is this guy just a straight idiot?
Just tell him. If he’s a good guy he’ll understand.
After him threatening anal without foreplay against your wishes.. and then him literally attempting several times what he said he’d do.. OP I’m sorry but you’re not safe sleeping with this man. I worry he’s going to escalate if he doesn’t get what he wants and you’re going to end up in another really bad situation. As others have mentioned- people who have suffered abuse often end up in repeating patterns of being in abusive relationships. Just because he’s not as horrible as your previous ex doesn’t make what he’s doing okay
He jokes about literally not giving a shit about you.. that’s concerning and not normal. And by the way.. foreplay is a requirement of sex it’s not optional and the fact that he treats it as such shows that your pleasure is not a priority for him.. hell it’s not even on his radar. You deserve better than this, and there’s better out there, I promise
This is horrible and happens to so many women (CIS/Trans).
The bigger issue is you learning to leave these “boyfriends”. You continue to stay and there is never a reason to stay with an abuser. I suggest you seek therapy ASAP in order to help you garner strength to leave and avoid these gross men.
There are really good men out there. You have to want better for yourself
What happened was NOT an accident.
Accidental anal can happen in the heat of the moment BUT repeatedly trying to push his dick into your butt is not accidental. That was a deliberate action and he probablt felt that you would loosen up due to alcohol.
I know you feel like he is the kindest person ever but his actions speak differently. Someone who cares about you cares about your pleasure enough to do foreplay or sometimes just go down on you etc to make you feel good.
Someone who does not do foreplay at all clearly lacks care.
I’m sorry this happened to you but you deserve better.
I don’t understand how so many comments are so forgiving. Your current BF knew you didn’t consent, yet tried to to force you against your wishes. You made it clear in advance and then clenched up when he went for it. He tried to rape you. period. and hurt you in the process…!
This is enough of a reason to walk away from the relationship immediately. There isn’t much leeway for excuses here, and given what you’ve said already (making weird jokes, no foreplay/selfish lover), idk why you’d even try to have a discussion about this. He doesn’t seem like a quality person, or a person to try to have a future with.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now.
The way I see it ou went from dating one rapist to dating another rapist
#You current boyfriend fully indented to anally rape you
He only didn’t because you stopped him. Please stop finding those trashy men to date
From an outside pov, I think you might be glossing over the seriousness of how current bf behaved during sex.
It’s one thing to be spontaneous and could potentially be more understandable. However, spontaneousness requires more attention to receptivity from your partner. It is not an excuse for ignorance.
You say you already said no, though. No, unless there is foreplay. He heard you. It was not an accident.
And he tested your boundary. That is a bad sex partner. I would caution you from sharing your past of sexual assault. Verify he can be trusted. He could potentially become more understanding or use it against you.
Violating a clear boundary, is not an indicator of trustworthiness. Just because you didn’t protest perfectly in the moment doesn’t absolve him of responsibility.
I would consider addressing the violation of boundaries first and if he responds maturely and takes accountability see if you feel comfortable sharing your past.
Show him this post
This is not an accident, he tried to rape you
You didn’t consent to anal he tried to do anyway even when you told him previously not wanting to, he’s a pos just like your ex, stay carful and run please
Well you just did
He’s gonna see this someday
The best approach to any serious sex talk is to ha E it when you aren’t getting ready to, in the process of, just just finished having sex.
Have that talk before heading to dinner, after having lunch. When nothing remotely sexy is going on.
Then you can tell him about your past trauma with a clear head where he isn’t using the wrong head to think. You can even bring up what happened and how it was similar to that and triggered memories. Hopefully it impresses on him, that surprises like that aren’t welcome.
As for the foreplay issue… I would never agree to that. I’ve trained myself to take a pretty significantly sized object relatively easily, bigger than any human penis I’m likely to ever encounter and I would never take even a smallish object dry. It is a very unpleasant kind of pain and can cause tearing inside that can being it’s own problems. If anal is something you’ve never tried, you really shouldn’t start by trying to take a penis right away anyway. Unless he’s fun sized, training plugs are your best bet.
Other people here are saying he assaulted you, and he definitely did. I’m not you, it’s not my decision to make whether that’s a deal breaker for you or whether you should leave him for that, but you very definitely deserve better. From him, or someone else.