I’m beating myself up cause my personality is pretty much the booty bandit from Boondocks… “I likes ya… and I wants ya… we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way”. And while I think men appreciate my directness cause I can see it catches them off guard and is flattering… the energy is never returned so it just fizzles out. Which cracks me up (in a sad way) cause men always whine about how women don’t make the first move and yet when I do it’s crickets. I want to stop being so direct and be one of this women who waits for someone to make the move on them, but I’ve been told that I look intimidating so it’s scary. I feel desperate and I hate that.

45 comments

  1. Exactly nothing. I’ve given my number to guys in the wild. I’ve initiated the first convo on OLD. I’ve texted first. I’ve asked them out on dates first. Nothing has ever come of that but guys who do the bare minimum to keep things going.

    I’m an assertive person. If I like you, you’ll know it. You will not be confused. BUT I quit making any first moves. No first message on OLD. No asking out first, No planning the first date (although I do always sincerely offer to split the costs). I had a less frustrating dating and OLD experience once I changed my ways.

  2. I’m not a woman but as someone who has pursued and asked out many women over several decades…. the result is almost always rejection. This is just the nature of being the pursuer. Most people are not interested. The gem is finding the one who is. It can take a lot of no’s to get to the occasional ‘yes.’

  3. I met a guy out last Halloween. We added each other on social media, but I was the first to slide into his dms. He asked me out and we ended up going on a date. I didn’t hear from him for a while after, so, I put my pride aside and messaged him. This just continued the unreliable, unenthusiastic dynamic. He ended up inviting me to his birthday and we stayed in contact for a few months, but he wasn’t super good at communicating or seeing me consistently. I eventually grew tired of the hot/cold dynamic so I asked him to step it up. He said no and cut me off.🙃

    So, I’ve learned my lesson to not go after a guy. If they wanted to, they would. A lot of men like the chase and will put in the effort if they actually like you. If not, find someone new!

  4. I don’t think men owe you attention/interest just because you are direct. Just like how women don’t either. Asking someone out is basically 99% rejecting across all gender lines. Just do what makes you comfortable

  5. I feel that if you like someone, you should pursue them. Best case scenario is a reciprocal level of interest and “pursuing”, at least fairly quickly. A lot of good guys and ladies don’t put up with game playing or bread crumbing at our age.

    And be for real, someone really liking you but being put off by forwardness is a sign that they are not a great person to be with anyway. The more likely reason is that they just weren’t interested and being forward or passive made no difference whatsoever.

  6. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t really care about rejection, it’s just how it goes.
    However – I am no longer initiating (like you I often really take the lead, busy schedules, etc.) because what I have found is a lot of guys will come along for the ride even when they’re not really interested. And that’s just a huge waste of my time. So now I let the men make the move so I know we are both interested if we’re seeing each other.

  7. You want something, go get it.

    Anyone that says what you should or shouldn’t do in this situation is wrong. I’ve had women pursue me that I was interested in and ones I wasn’t interested in, it had nothing to do with if they initiated. I think it mostly comes down to the shear number of guys that get turned down. Guys may be shot down 100 times a year or a month… as a women if you get shot down the once or twice, don’t take that as evidence you shouldn’t go for it.
    Now of course there are some guys that this won’t work with, but if you are someone that goes for what you want and he can’t appreciate that… why change who you are. Be you. If you want to sing out, sing out.

  8. Batting 1.000 on instances where I pursue. I married the last one and we’re going on 15 years together.

  9. I, an introvert, made the first move, gave him my number after he didn’t’t get any of my subtle prior hints I asked him out for a “beer”. I initiated the first kiss and sex later, and even proposed to him. We’ve been married for a little over year now, together for 4ish.

    It was downright scary – all of it like being an awkward teenager (with baggage) and scared of humiliation and rejection AND I’ve never been happier.

  11. I try to be communicative but if the responses are low effort, cold, unenthusiastic .. I just stop responding because I know we don’t want the same thing and that is fine too.

  12. It’s worked well for me! I was the one who pursued my ex/maybe not ex (he broke up with me last month; we’re seeing each other again and taking things slowly now, but that is all honestly irrelevant to this post lol). Whether or not we end up fully back together, I have zero regrets. He’s a great person and I am so glad to know him.

    For anyone curious: He had a reel that ended up on my discover page on instagram. I thought he was cute and that he lived in my area. So I waited until he posted a story that I could reply to so that I wasn’t just sliding in saying “hi, you cute”. He responded. I just happened to have a funny work situation that day that I then mentioned. He was intrigued and asked about it. It was too much to type but you can only send 60 second videos through instagram DMs, so I ended up sending him 5 or so videos to explain it. That probably would’ve turned off so many people, but my person was into the story and into the fact that I just went for it with sending the videos (and he thought I was cute). So he responded with a video. After DMing some, we moved to texts. We never got raunchy or even overly flirty through texts but we had a great back and forth going. We then went on our first date two days after that first DM. The first date lasted 13 hours because our conversation just flowed so naturally and hours passed by in what seemed like only minutes. That still happens with us. We probably moved too quickly, which I think is what lead to the breakup last month and why we are now easing into things slowly again (we had also continued to talk every day since the breakup even if it wasn’t nearly as much and wasn’t only pleasant. We tried gentle no contact until the day that we knew we’d be going to an event together/possibly the date leading us back together, but then both of us would end up still finding a reason to text each other.)

    Sorry for that novel!

  13. Done it a couple of times. Results: hard shit. Hard, hard shit. 0/10, wouldn’t recommend.

    This is why: if a girl doesn’t like a guy, and the guy asks her out, she will almost certainly say “no.” It’s not a “maybe,” it’s a no. Clear as daylight, everyone can move on with their lives.

    But when a GIRL asks a GUY out?!?!?! It is such a rare event that even if the guy has close to 0 interest, he will say yes. EVEN IF HE DOESNT LIKE HER. Even if he finds her annoying or just not his type at all. Why?? Because it’s free, effortless ass. It’s ass falling from the sky. It’s raining ass.

    This is cruel because basically it leads to a dynamic where a girl REALLY likes a guy (she pretty much has to to make the first move), the guy is NOT interested but says “yeah sure” anyway, goes on unenthusiastic date after unenthusiastic date, and pretty much goes as far as the girl will pull it while simultaneously putting exactly 0% effort on his part. It’s a total loss of a situation for the girl who’s wasting her time on someone who has no interest in her.

    So tldr: what i learned in my years of dating is the guy MUST be pursuing you. A woman doing the pursuing only leads to her own disappointment.

  14. My homemade recipe: Eye contact, smile, finger motion for them to come to you. Have meaningful conversations. Let men lead for getting your contact info and vocally & physically reward desired behaviors. (light touches, hugs, cheek kisses, soft sweetness, and some unrelenting eye contact)

  15. i don’t mind being rejected, but i find most guys will be like “yeah i mean she’s interested so why not?” to pass time and have sex with while they keep their eyes open for someone who they’re actually interested in.

    it’s the fact that a lot of guys won’t reject me despite not being that interested that puts me off more than actually being rejected.

  16. I know that some men really enjoy women being direct and making the first move because they are frankly bored of always being the one doing all the pursuing, but I also know that it often doesn’t work as it deviates from the social norm. If you don’t want to be as direct, you can work on making sure that your interest is very clear, no ambiguity if you’re just being friendly etc (you achieve this through flirting, teasing, light touch of the arm etc), basically make the other person comfortable and confident that if they were to attempt something they won’t get rejected. No one likes rejection and men experience a lot of it traditionally so I think they would appreciate when the situation is clear. Similarly no one likes to feel surprised and pressured so perhaps you just catch them off guard a bit with your directness. So yeah, express your interest in other ways and if they like you they will feel more comfortable making a move. Good luck!

  17. Have you considered the possibility that guys who otherwise wouldn’t be into you are giving it a shot *because* you made the first move, and that’s why it fizzled out? As absurdly difficult as dating is for men, very few are going to say no to a woman asking them out, even if they wouldn’t normally be into her.

  18. Doesn’t matter the gender, if you initiate, the odds are it won’t work.

    That’s just *how it is*. Doesn’t mean there’s no value in initiating. As a guy, I have to say, I roll my eyes a little when people blame their gender for this stuff.

  19. I’ve done it a lot when I was younger, then when I was single again in my mid-30s. Sometimes there’s rejection but no big deal. Usually it’s a “yes”. My biggest issue has been men who say yes even when they’re not really interested, then end up wasting my time.

    Luckily I’ve gotten better at spotting disinterest pretty quickly and can cut things off if I’m not getting “hell yes” vibes.

    With my current guy (together 1 year), I asked him out because we were vibing and he obviously was very into me, but he seemed too nervous to ask quickly. It’s worked out well!

  20. Don’t like it. What I have found that some guys will say yes but they aren’t very excited about you. And it never translates into them making effort later. I prefer folks who make effort.

    I am happy to drop hints. If they can’t pick it up it is on them. And by hints I mean I’ll say stuff like omg I love going to xyz place, have you been? I’ve really been wanting to try that new place a few blocks away. I love thaï food. Basically instant date ideas if you are paying attention.

    I am absolutely fine starting up a conversation and continuing it. But after that well the ball is in your court.

  22. There’s nothing wrong with your approach. If you do that with someone who’s attracted to you, it’ll work. If you do that with someone who isn’t, it won’t work.

  23. I’ve asked guys out on the apps and it usually just ends up with me going on dates with guys way out of my league. Now I think I’ll just let them to the pursuing but actually make it obvious I’m interested, as I think I expect them to be mind readers too much

  26. In my experience I ended up always being the one initiating and they never ended well

  27. As someone who gravitates more towards introverts and quieter guys it can be exhausting, i’ll often have to make the first move. The problem is that it seems to set the tone, then I get annoyed by them not trying to be a least a little more proactive and meeting me half way with communication and planning. As others have said, they probably would never have made that move themselves if I hadn’t. I’m happy to take the initiative but I think the “invest then test” approach is a good one to check if someone is genuinely interested or just going along with it/lazy.
    Take a step towards them by making a clear move (invest) but then stay put and give them an opportunity to take the next step towards you (test). If they don’t you have your answer, move on.

  30. It rarely works. Men give this advice because it makes life easier for them but it mostly repels them. Most men make it clear when they want you so if you have to pursue first, then he’s not into you.

    I never message men first on dating app because they ‘like’ every girl. They only speak to the ones they’re attracted to so it’s a waste of time.

  32. Coming in from the dominant woman side, I think there is something to be said about restraining your initial power. Tip them off with a few hints and let them lead the way. Let them prove to you while you sit back and relax.

    If you have control issues, this might be hard, but if you are emotionally mature and secure in yourself, it will work out better for you in the end because then then he will be putting in that little bit more effort to get you every time.

    When you do respect his efforts, then you can reveal your true personality, and see if there is genuinely a match. It will pay off also more time allows you to get to know the person better before jumping into anything.

  33. Well the result was negative, but I’m proud of myself for having had the courage to do it, and would do it again if I had gone back in time..

  34. Not good…I approached with caution and was reserved but put myself out there to ask someone out. We dated for a bit then it ended because ultimately, I think it disrupted some unspoken power dynamic. Kind of disappointing and rocked my feminist world, but I truly think the guy couldn’t ever see it as a not “desperate” move on my part. And it showed in how he treated me. I’ve had better experience when I am pursued and feel that someone WANTS to actually court me. It did not work for me the other way around I am sad to say.

  35. In my experience, men who are into me pursue me. I’ve had countless bad experiences with asking men out, pursuing or “chasing” them… so much so that I’ve made it a rule to never pursue a man again. I will make myself open and available to them and provide plenty of communication along the journey, but I won’t ever go beyond matching their energy.

  36. The guys who say they want women to pursue them usually like it for the ego boost. I’ve never met a guy who has married a woman who has pursued them.

    Deep down, even the guys who like it, feel those women are desperate. And that there is something wrong with them(the women).

    Some guys like it and want women like that. But, many of those relationships have the women “leading” most romantic activities.

    There are exceptions to this rule though.

  37. My philosophy is pretty much that men will take whatever is thrown at them, and their lack of effort will be negatively proportionate to how much work SHE puts in. The more she gives, the less he’ll do. So I’ve learned to be passive… even more so because I now know that the types of men who like ‘forthcoming women’ generally speaking end up turning me off completely. Some girls like the softer, more passive guys, I do not.

    HOWEVER I have figured out how to signal openness on my end. You have to fine tune this, but there is a way to say ‘hey dude, if you were to pitch at me, I could possibly consider trying to catch your drift’. Nothing beyond that. Just remain available, and match the energy❤️

    Edited for misspellings

  38. I have spent my fair share of years pursuing men. And while I don’t enjoy being rejected, it’s better than my usual result of a “partner” who puts in very little effort. So I don’t pursue men anymore. I focus on people who put a much effort in as I do.

  40. For me I have made the first move in a number of instances. I find the long term dynamic works best if the guy pursues me. They just care more and for longer than if I chased them.

  41. I’m in the exact same boat as you, and found that my enthusiasm and directness is frequently misread as desperation and hasn’t kept anyone around. It’s annoying as hell and I’m going to try not making moves on men at all for a bit.

  42. Tried twice. Both time they forgot to mention their live-in longterm girlfriends. They’d say yes just because they like the attention

  43. Well I don’t know about pursuing per say, but when I met my husband over 8 years ago online, I messaged him first. I believe he asked for my phone number but then I suggested he come back to my town to take me out, then he planned the date and paid for everything. I kissed him first, after he initiated hand holding. I asked him if I was his girlfriend after about 6 weeks. I waited for him to say I love you first. I feel like it was just easy and natural and we are both pretty introverted people. As long as there’s something reciprocated I think it’s ok. I was 33 when we met and tired of the games so I went for what I wanted.

  44. Card carrying feminist who’s really not into traditional gender roles here. I hate that I have nearly zero luck initiating with men but that’s the honest truth. They either take advantage of a low effort opportunity when they’re not that into me (and I end up getting hurt) or I end up with guys who are low effort overall (and I end up getting hurt).

    I’m happy to split the bill, take turns planning and testing first, but haven’t had any luck initiating interest. It sucks.

  45. This is a really unpopular thing to say but in my experience, every single time I’ve been the pursuer I was treated terrible because in my experience men who don’t like you that much don’t turn you down they just string you along. When I was a teenager, my mother told me to find a man who likes me a little more than I like him and I used to think that was really toxic but now that I’m in my 30s I honestly think she was right.

    I put a lot of love and effort into relationships so when I date men who like me more than I like them our energy is matched up pretty evenly anyway.

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