I (28m) am in a weird situation. I got an illness that is trying to kill me and the doctors don’t really know what to do about it, so I’m prepared for it to go either way. That’s not the case for my sister (24f) and my partner (24m).
My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years. He is stuck on the other side of the planet, and is sad and terrified that he won’t be able to get here in time or be with me when I die. My sister has locked herself in the bedroom and turned off her phone and the only contact I have with her is through her partner.
I don’t know what to do. If I thought this would happen I wouldn’t have talked to them about it. Im not afraid of dying, but it’s really weird watching my loved ones grieve, while I’m still alive. I know it’s a thing, I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want them to have a hard time.
I could really use some advice on how to handle this. What do I say or do to make them feel better? How do I comfort them through this?
TLDR: I may or may not die soon and my sister and partner is struggling with it and grieve the loss of me while I’m still alive.
13 comments
Pretty weird there making your potential death about them. If your partner wants to be with you in your last days weeks months years, he should probably find a way to make that happen. Your sister should be spending time with you, not in her room not talking to you, and making her boyfriend do it. Weird stuff.
Wow. they are the *epitome* of making things about themselves. Sorry they put this on your plate too on top of everything else.
I’d ask them to please get some kind of grief therapy because expecting you to deal with their emotions right now is pretty selfish.
Hey! They’re probably in shock. You said you felt bad for telling them- is this something that they’ve known might progress this way, or have you just dropped everything on them now? They might be reacting, and this sounds like they truly love you and have been heartbroken.
I’d recommend reaching out to them, through whatever channels you have, and telling them how you understand that it’s hard on them, having them close to make possible last memories will mean the world. Y’all have this time to bring things together, and having holds to hold when you get news might help.
It sucks that you have to be the level headed one here, and I’m so sorry about your health!
They’re undergoing pre-grief. They’re grieving you now because of your potential demise. Just be with them and comfort them. They want more time with you.
Ask for a therapy referral. Find someone who can support you. Tell them to get therapy and find their own support person. YOU should not have to support them you’re the one dying maybe or maybe not.
Sadly this is not an uncommon response, but they need to work it out. You need to focus on your health. Good luck
They suffer from main character syndrome. I hope things work out for you.
So you all need some therapy.
Your sister more than anyone.
As while your partners response is expected (he is the other side of the world, and wants to be with you but might not be able to get there before you pass) hers is a little over the top and she needs to talk to someone about it to help her process it
It’s normal to grieve the*idea* of something lost before it’s even gone. Both your sister and your partner are fairly young and I’d assume haven’t had a lot of loss before and probably don’t know what to do with their big feelings.
I’d recommend talking to the social worker at the hospital or medical group you’ve been with. They can help you with your grieving, help your sister and partner with theirs, and most importantly making sure you’re getting the support you need. Talk to your sister and partner and tell them you need and want their support.
Good luck with everything. I hope the illness looses and you get better!!!
You are ill. You need to focus all positive energy on yourself towards healing. It’s unfortunate they are unable to put you first right now, but your needs are more immediate and more important. Take a step away and let them grieve away from you. Their negativity can only bring you harm. Hopefully, they will build the strength to stand by your side, but for now surround yourself with people who make this time easier for you and bring you strength rather than take it from you. Good luck. May you enjoy laughter, love, and a full recovery.
When my sister knew she was going to.die she turned to me and said “don’t you dare start treating me differently. I refuse to die before I am done living”. I immediately reminded her that as her older, wiser, and prettier sister it was going to be ok because mom always loved me more.
I’m sorry you’re going to die and everyone is freaking out. Maybe tell them you don’t want to waste time avoiding the truth and invite your sis out for ice cream?
As someone who recently learned that my dad, who is my best friend, is dying. Although it’s a little different because you’re so young, I have been grieving more than I’ve ever grieved before.
I feel like doing what your sister is doing sometimes – she’s trying to ignore and push away what’s happening and trying to make it not real. Denial is one of the stages of grief, and she may need a little time to get to the next stage. Maybe just emphasize to her (through her partner or whatever way of communication) that you love her and want to spend time with her. That you guys can talk about your feelings if she wants, or you can just be as normal as possible. Maybe suggest doing something you both have enjoyed doing in the past.
For your partner, they’re going to focus solely on getting to you. Just focus on communication with them, make them feel like they’re there too. Let them support you from afar and let them figure out if they’re going to come see you.
But overall, to be honest, it’s not your job to comfort them. I don’t know how long ago you told them, but time does help a little bit. And hopefully they’ll both realize soon that you’re still here, and you all need to treat every day like it might be your last.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. I’ve had an illness (cancer) and faced my own mortality before at 23, and I truly found it much easier to come to terms with the possibility of dying. It was seeing my family be sad and worry about me was much harder for me to deal with. But it’s important to realize that it’s 100% okay for you to be selfish about this.
I’m so very sorry you are going through this OP. It sucks that you have to be the strong one right now. I truly hope things turn around for you medically speaking but either way it sound like you have peace so for that anyway I am happy for you. As for your partner your sister I would reach out and talk to them. Ask them what might make them more comfortable. It’s weird I know that you should be the one to ask this but since you seem like a very kind caring person this seems like what’s important to you. Let them lead the direction of the conversation. I suspect that hearing how you are responding to your medical status will guide their feelings in the end. If they see that you aren’t freaking out they may calm down as well. Continue being kind to yourself and to those around you. You sound like a pretty awesome person. I wish you all the best and that you continue to have peace whatever your outcome. Blessings and love OP
Lol. They wanna out-victim the actual victim so bad.
If my sister or partner was (maybe) going to die, and I knew about it, I would spend as much time with them as I possibly can. Anyway, I really really hope you don’t die ❤️❤️❤️ Please take care of yourself.