Yesterday me (23f)and my boyfriend (24m) of 3.5 years went out with some friends, the first hour was great and we all had a good time, then the group decided to go to a different bar, I was talking with another friend and still had my drink left so I said I would catch up with them later.
No longer than 5-10 minutes later I had finished my drink and went to the other bar they said they were going to, it was a line to get in but I stood there and called my boyfriend and asked if they were inside already, he said that they didn’t want to queue so they went to another bar, but that they were coming back soon and told me to just stand there and wait.
I stood there for 40 minutes without getting in, texted my boyfriend and asked where he was and then he just responded that they were going to go home and I should join them. I met up with them at the other bar, a bit upset that I had just spent almost half of the evening just queuing by myself while the others were having fun.
There I met some childhood friends (both male and female) I hadn’t seen in years and asked if I would hang out with them for a while, I asked my boyfriend and he said sure, I noticed that he wasn’t happy about it and we have a history of him disliking me staying out longer, I have done it 2 times before in our 3.5 year relationship and it has ended in fights both times.
I am well aware that I fucked up, I have no excuse, I just wanted to stay out for a bit longer, I hadn’t gone out at all for 6 months and I wanted to catch up with my old friends and I was upset that the others told me to just remain in line.
Well “a bit longer” turned out to be 3 hours, I texted my boyfriend that I’m sorry and I love him but didn’t get a response, when I got home hell broke loose and he yelled at me for cheating on him and not coming home at the same time as him. I slept on the couch and hasn’t spoken to him since.
How can I fix this and show how sorry I am for staying out later than him?
TL;DR: Went out boyfriend and friends, they went to another bar while I was finishing my drink, I stood in line to that bar for 40 minutes when boyfriend told me they were at another bar and going home, met some childhood friends and stayed out for 3 more hours after boyfriend went home. Got into a huge fight and want to fix this.
33 comments
Your boyfriend is abusive.
So when he leaves you to hang out with his friends it’s fine and yours supposed to follow after and queue by yourself at multiple different places, but when you choose to hang out with your friends it’s not okay?
Either stick together the whole evening or accept that you’re doing separate things and might meet later if it works out.
He’s a hypocrite, he shouldn’t be yelling at you or a accusing you of cheating, he sounds like a shit boyfriend.
You leave him, that’s controlling behaviour
There’s nothing to fix other than your controlling boyfriend. The simplest solution-leave. No adult person is this bent out of shape about someone returning later than them, especially when they’re essentially having separate nights out.
I spent 4 days in Las Vegas with my friends, my
Husband was at home cheering me on, taking care of our kids.
Find a better boyfriend!! Seriously. There’s nothing to fix except adding X to boyfriend.
In normal relationships people don’t behave like this. You are your own person and you don’t need permission to be outside with your friends. He was there, he could’ve joined you and your friends.
It’s on him to work on his insecurities, not on you to fix them. The first rule of any good relationship is “communication”. That doesn’t mean just talking. It’s being able to voice your concerns, look at yourself in the mirror and fix your own shit. This isn’t normal communication and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
So no history of cheating? By you on him or your ex? Or an ex of his? Without any of these I would say leave him. If there is a history, you need to resolve this before you continue your relationship…. and he also needs to apologise.
Your boyfriend sucks and is a controlling ass. It’s not normal to get angry if your partner wants to hang out somewhere without you/wants to stay out longer than you. He’s got issues, do you want to put up with them?
You don’t ask for permission to hang out with your friends, you just inform him.
Him yelling at you for not coming home at the same time as him is ridiculous. He is in no position to establish any kind of curfew.
His abusive reactions have trained you to wait for his sorry butt for nearly an hour outside, only getting infos after *you* contacted *him*, running around to catch up with him, wasting another part of your evening and when you are finally having fun, you are terrified to get home, because of his abusive behaviour. Sounds like your boyfriend has some serious issues and you will be better off if you leave him.
You did nothing wrong, the only thing to fix here is your relationship status.
Why should he get to stay out as late as he wants but whatever time he gets home is your curfew? That’s completely ridiculous. No man is worth spending your whole life being treated like a child. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but the good news is you don’t have to stay in it.
You know who doesn’t need permission from her boyfriend to stay out late at night? A grown ass woman, that’s who. Your boyfriend is toxic. You don’t need to grovel to him for forgiveness, he’s not your dad.
This is what you risk when you ditch someone. This dude needs to grow up, preferably after you dump him.
Don’t be sorry! He fucked up not you he is controlling and making you wait alone no fuck that run like the wind girl.
Also when someone jumps on accusing the other of cheating its cause they are doing it and maybe why he left you waiting alone?
I just want to make it perfectly clear that you did NOT fuck up.
He abandoned you for half the night and that’s fine, but it’s not fine for you to hang out with some other friends too? Nah he’s being controlling and abusive. His reaction to you not being isolated is to throw a fit like a child and refuse to talk to you. And I’m sorry to say this sounds exactly like how my friend’s ex acted shortly before he started hitting her; getting upset when she did things without him, refusing to communicate, making her feel like everything was her fault, denying her need for external social stimulation outside the relationship, accusing her of cheating when he had no evidence to back it up or reason to think she was, etc.
I saw in another comment that he gets upset that you had boyfriends before him. I understand not wanting to hear about previous relationships, but I’ve seen this before too where the guy refused to accept she wasn’t his first and took that as an opportunity to cheat because “now our experience is even”. The insecurity he’s showing is concerning after 3.5 years
I also peeked at your post history and saw that there was an issue about pets a few months ago. I’m sorry your kitty got hit by the car. His reaction to that situation was also concerning. While people are absolutely allowed to want pet free lives, he seemed hell bent on getting rid of that cat. He would tell you it’s ok and you’ll get a new one, but then flip and get cold and angry that you dare bring up what you both agreed to. That’s a good example of him telling you something to get you off his back, then flipping and making you feel small and like your wants and needs don’t matter when he sees that it didn’t work.
My genuine advice is to secretly plan your exit. Don’t tell him. Pack your things in secret, take a day off work when he’ll be out, then when he’s gone take all your things to your parent’s or a friend that you ABSOLUTELY trust. Don’t tell him where you are. Don’t even text him that you’re gone. Just leave, then block him everywhere; phone, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat (DEFINITELY Snapchat especially if you have location on), Twitter, TikTok, email, every single way he has of contacting you, block him.
Tell your friends and family and job that he is not to receive any information about you, your schedule, your living arrangements, or anything else.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. He’s more than toxic; he’s showing massive warning signs that he will escalate beyond the emotional abuse.
YOU didn’t fuck up, he left you there alone, didn’t keep in contact unless you initiated, and whilst he was drinking with his mates you were stood in a line waiting for someone that wasn’t coming back. He owes you an apology not the other way round
Your boyfriend needs to fix his behavior. Staying out later than your partner should not result in fights. People have different preferences on how often they want to go out and how late they want to go out. That’s normal. What is not normal is your bf yelling at you and accusing you of cheating.
so it’s okay for him to abandon you to hang out with his friends at another bar, but when you hang out with your friends, he gets all mad, yells at you, and accuses you of cheating?? oh honey no…
your bf is toxic and controlling, wake up and break up.
He should of stayed with you while you finished your drink, who leaves their girlfriend alone!!?? He left, then they ditched to another bar and didnt tell you. Your the one who should be mad
You didn’t fuck up. Don’t be gaslighted into thinking you have.
Who the fuck leaves someone alone outside for 40 mins.
But who stays at a bar alone to finish a drink without someone with them?
Troll post?
I don’t understand how you fucked up. You had a night out (where he messed around btw) and you didn’t go home at the same time as him. You’re in your early 20s. Enjoy your life
How do you fix this? There is nothing to fix here – not with your behaviour anyway
So the only mistake you made was breaking away from the group in the beginning, which is what led you to having to wait to get into another bar, rather than be with the group and having fun.
Your BF shouldn’t have been upset that you wanted to hang with your friends, though I can understand him being upset that it was 3 hours, instead of however long you originally anticipated. Especially if he worries about things. (Not saying it was or is right, just that I can understand it)
You don’t mention why he thinks you were cheating on him, if it’s just because you were out later, then massive red flag, if there was some behaviour that you think was innocent, but he thinks was inappropriate, then you should talk about what the expectations are for both of you regarding such behaviour (ie maybe there is pictures of you and your friends on the clubs social media pages showing you dancing, and while you know nothing happened, from the pictures it might look like you were acting in a way that you weren’t)
As for what you do – you tell him that you are an adult, that you don’t have a curfew, and can stay out as long as you want to.
Then you decide if you want to continue with this relationship
I’m certain you did nothing wrong here. I would break up with a person who treated me this way.
You zero percent fucked up. You went out with friends. He is a controlling, insecure hypocrite. There is nothing to fix. You deserve better.
You don’t need to fix anything. You did nothing wrong. Your boyfriend is ridiculous.
>I am well aware that I fucked up,
Ummm, no, you didn’t fuck up. You did a perfectly normal thing and hung out with some friends for a few hours.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds like an abusive control freak. Look at what you’ve written above.
He (and your “friends”) ditched you because they didn’t want to wait a few minutes longer for you to finish your drink. Are they your friends, or his friends that you hang out with?
He didn’t keep you updated on where they were so you could rejoin them, and when you contacted them him he told you to keep him a spot in line where you were rather than join him and the rest of your friends, then didn’t show up and left you waiting. I have to say, this sounds a lot like him punishing you because you didn’t drop everything and leave when he said to.
Every time you have stayed out later than him he has started a fight with you over it.
You wanted to spend time with some old friends and he got upset.
His response was to start another fight and accuse you of cheating on him, make you sleep on the couch and give you the silent treatment.
Seriously, look at all of this. This is classic controlling and abuse. He wants you where he can see you and he punishes you if you do what he doesn’t want. He is pulling the ever popular DARVO by throwing wild accusations at you and making out that you have misbehaved and done something to hurt him. He is punishing you with his silent treatment so that you will feel relief and gratitude when he finally “forgives you” and allows you to interact with him again. We can see that he has been doing this for a while because you are already well and truly indoctrinated into this thought pattern with your line “I am well aware that I fucked up, I have no excuse…”
I was at a seminar a while ago on domestic abuse and the presenter referred to this as the “push me pull you” tactic. He is trying to make you emotionally dependent on him. He is loving and caring and makes you feel great, then comes up with some imagined, illogical slight you have given him and takes it all away. He is cold and silent, and you miss the love and attention he used to give you. Then he “forgives you” and he’s back to being the perfect partner, until the next made up issue. And each time he does this, your confidence is eroded, and you can’t trust your judgement anymore because you don’t understand what you’ve done wrong, but obviously you must have done something because he’s so upset about it. So you depend on him to tell you what you should be doing to avoid upsetting him, because it’s YOUR FAULT that these arguments happen. Is this sounding familiar?
That presenter also said that the reason abusers use this tactic is because it works. It’s how our brains are wired. The only way to stop it from working on you is to take away his access to you. As in leave, block him on every form of access, don’t spend time with his friends and tell your friends that he is not to have access to you. Zero contact. Time to leave this guy.
You’re an adult. You’re allowed to be out with friends.
Unless you cancelled plans with him over it, or were his ride and abandoned him – his jealousy and insecurity CANNOT be your problem.
There is NOTHING wrong with being out, enjoying yourself and having drinks with your friends, after he chooses to go home and sleep.
You need to stick up for yourself and not be controlled by him. He needs to deal with his issues, not you.
Let me be clear. You did not mess up. He did. He LEFT YOU, and then proceeded to leave you for 40 minutes by yourself while he got to have fun. And then the second he decides he is done, you also have to be done? This is not normal. He clearly has issues that are not your responsibility. He also sounds like a hypocrite.
Best fix for this situation? Break up with him.
Accusing you of cheating just because you stayed out later than him is abusive.
Leaving you in line for 40 minutes is dismissive. Not waiting for you to finish your drink is dismissive. It sounded like you were out in a group and not on a date. He is being a jerk.
Dump his ass, that’s way too controlling for you to have to deal with.
My best advice is to replace your (former) boyfriends number with the number to a therapist.
First, why do you think you have to ask permission to hang out with your friend, especially when your boyfriend and your friends bailed and didn’t even tell you they weren’t where they said they were.
You shouldn’t be asking how to fix this. You didn’t do anything wrong. If you’ve got to ask permission to do anything, you’re not in a healthy relationship. If you’re getting the silent treatment any time you don’t “fall into line,” you’re not in a healthy relationship.
He knew where you were and could have come there at any time.
Why do you let your bf act like your dad? Or your owner?
He should have texted you to keep you updated with their whereabouts. Instead he left you standing on your own. That’s showing lack of concern.
Then he had the cheek to start accusing you of cheating because he ruined your night.
He’s a selfish twat.
I’m sorry is your boyfriend your dad? he sounds super controlling and unhinged. you did not fuck up at all!! you don’t’ have to fix this, he does he needs to apologize to you, work on his anger and threat you with a lot more respect. you were in contact and let him know what was up he choose to leave you for forty mins by yourself because he know you weren’t having fun, the second you had fun without him he was a jerk . you are allowed to go out for as long as you want and he doesn’t get to have a say . if he has such little trust in you thinking you are going to cheat if you are left alone, that is a him problem. he had no right to yell scream or frankly anything.