So I have a girlfriend who is in her 20’s, and she gets physically violent when emotional. There were multiple instances of her punching me in my chest, in my arm, pushing me, and taking my material things and tossing them around. I feel extremely uncomfortable breaking up with her alone in my apartment. I don’t mind the physical stuff since I’m bigger than her, but I wouldn’t put it beside her that she wouldn’t stab me or break valuables because of a breakup.
On top of it all, she’s really disrespectful when she’s angry, always calling me an “asshole,” “dickhead,” a “prick” and host of other slurs. There were numerous occasions where she insulted my friends and family in front of me (between me and her; nobody else around). She does this exclusively when she’s angry or when I have wronged her. It makes me feel like she doesn’t love me, she only uses me for recourses. She’s pushing marriage hardcore but after today, there’s just no way I would feel comfortable being married to her.
Other than that, she’s a loving, caring, genuinely good person who is always there for me when she’s not emotional. We have a good sex life, I feel like we communicate fairly well, we have amazing relationships with our families and friends and everything else is just amazing to be honest.
Just deep down inside, I feel so awful when we fight. I feel hurt. I love her I really do. But when she hurls insults at me, calls me nasty names, gets physical, I just get a bad taste in my mouth. I feel like sometimes when I call her out and tell her to “watch her tone” and not be a jerk calling me nasty things, she doesn’t apologize right away and kind of keeps saying similar things in different words. I just feel like she has no respect for me whatsoever.
Look, I’m not an angel eifher. I do have controlling tendencies (which I’m working on) and I do get jealous sometimes. But never in a million years would I put hands on my partner or talk bad about her family. I did call her a bitch a few times though.
So my question is, how does one go about breaking up with a partner like this? I can tell you one thing, I definitely don’t feel safe being alone in my apartment with her when it goes down.
6 comments
Does she live with you?
Do it in public. If you think semhe would make a scene, just text her. Do whatever is safer.
Who she is when she’s emotional is who she REALLY is. Its easy to act decent when you’re calm and everythings going your way. Ppl’s true colors come out when they’re highly upset, intoxicated, etc. She’s NOT a good person. Being upset is no excuse for being abusive. Full stop.
Im glad that you’ve realized that this relationship should not continue and that getting married to this person would be a terrible, terrible idea.
As for getting out, there’s some options (some are better than others depending on your resources). I absolutely agree that you two should not be alone when this goes down. First a question, does she live with you?
A general idea is to contact your local DV organization to help you come up with a safety plan. Abusers often escalate their behaviors when they feel that they’re losing control so a safety plan is essential.
Can you have a few friends there when you do it, maybe even her friends, and have them escort her out?
In the meantime, get good at hitting record on your phone. You might need to prove your need for witnesses to get objective help from friends, especially hers.
Alright. I’d suggest taking her out to a public place, like a cafe or a restaurant, and breaking the news gently to her there. Request her key to the apartment (do NOT let her keep it; if she is violent you need to protect yourself) and tell her that she can come by with a friend to get her things. Have a friend of yours that you trust there with you while she collects her belongings. Make sure she doesn’t have a copy of the key or any means of breaking in and part ways after that.
If she’s the pushy type, block her number and all socials. Maybe turn your accounts private for a bit to dissuade her from harassing you or anything.
This is going to be difficult, but you deserve to have a partner who respects you enough to not lay hands on you or use you as an emotional punching bag.
Do it in public (meaning other people are in view of you guys) but in an area that’s private enough to talk like in a park. If she starts screaming/shouting or getting physically violent people will obviously look over but at least you can step back so she can’t call the police and claim you were the aggressor or violent towards her. It will also prevent her from property damage. If she needs to come get her stuff, she can ask for a police escort.