My (22F) dad (49M) is about to lose his older brother to cancer. He lost his mom to cancer when I was 5, too, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through. I know he’s been having a really hard time, and I try to talk to him and let him know that he doesn’t need to be strong for the rest of the family. That we can take care of him too.
But how he’s learned emotions and how he deals with them as a man is alot different from what I know. In his family you don’t talk about hard things, but he’s a loving and gentle man who feels just as much as anyone else. He showed me a video of a stereotypical man’s man saying that «if a man says he’s alright, he’s dealing with terrible demons» and I think about that alot.
He’s been such a safe and stable person for me and my family and I absolutely adore him. Lately he’s been going on walks by himself and thinking in silence alot. I’m used to talking alot about feelings but I might be overwhelming him. I’ve asked him what he needs but he says it’s fine.
What is the best way my family and I can be there for him?
5 comments
Different people react to losses differently. If your dad is the type to want some alone time with mourning, try to respect his wishes. You can support him in other ways like helping him with tasks if he’s in need, paying him more frequent visits. Even a simple “If you want to to talk, dad, I’m always here for you” will mean a lot.
Be there for him. Don’t force anything but just be there for him. Give him a visit every once in a while. Get his to do, eat, drink, go somewhere that he enjoys.
On top of what others have said – learn from him and his coping mechanisms. You will one day have to deal with grief, like it or not.
And your dad is going through it and a living example for you. Learn and prepare.
My dad passed away in November and I think back remembering how he dealt with losing his parents but I was a child when that happened. Nevertheless he went through the pain, and I had no clue how much it impacted him until he was on his deathbed unable to communicate, I hung up a picture of his parents on the wall by his hospital bed and he would just stare at that picture for hours when he couldn’t even talk.
That showed me that he had experienced a lot of pain, but hid that from young me. Now I’m in the same boat of pretending to be strong for mom while struggling, but that’s the job, that’s what men have to do – like it or not.
We don’t always need to “talk about it” and sometimes we just have to experience the positive and negative by ourselves.
Just sit with him. If he wants to talk he will. Don’t pressure him.
Nothing you can do but give him time to mourn.
Be at a arms reach but don’t smuther him or he’ll most likely become distant. If I was in you’re dads shoes I’d like this at least.
1. Peace and quiet
2. Being around loved ones(not to many)
3. Change of atmosphere like a late night bon fire with some soft music playing.
4. Give that man a damn beer, whiskey or something stiff!