My wife and I both work- yet I am the one who cleans, cooks, cleans up from cooking does the laundry, and everything in between. My wife, for the most part, spends the day yawning laying down and scrolling through TikTok. Her job is quite “cushy” too. She has off every other Friday and half days on the other Fridays. When I want to be intimate, she does the yawn, pops the trazadone, and knocks out. I’m having a really hard time feeling desired at all. Will this get better? Does anyone else have an experience like this? I read a recent post about a happy marriage and every happy marriage had “active sex life” in their description. Not feeling desired is one of the worst possible feelings in the world. Even moreso by the person you married. Help.
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Any kids?
Aw I’m sorry to hear this! I would suggest to 1. Ask you both split these household duties so you feel more like a team, 2. Plan something that’s different or experience something new together (just you two) to get out of the usual routine of things, 3. Communicate about possible underlying problems that might be going on for her. She sounds depressed or like there’s something she’s not being honest about that can turn her off from being intimate with you. She will appreciate you wanting to listen to her and calm her nerves (if this is her issue).
Very common issue at the stage of life you’re in. You in decent shape? Does she respect you or push you around a bit emotionally? Trying to address that was one of my own first tasks.
Maybe sex is ultimately a lower priority for her. My wife had a lot of trouble understanding that it mattered to me and not just in a physical ”I need to get off” way. Emotionally it mattered to me. She really struggled with believing that. She saw me as wanting to use her like an object, that’s how she grew up I guess. I wanted the intimacy.
Counseling can help. Sex therapists are great if there are any in the area. It’s a long process with steps forward and backward. But things can get a lot better from where you are if everybody makes some effort to adjust. You have to be willing to look at yourself critically too. Some stuff might be sex related, some not so directly.
Tell her how you feel.
Army base + guy she’s been suspicious around= your answer of some sort of affair
I wish mine would give it up more often lol it’s the other way for us . I mean he flirts and touches me but sex is once a week or sometimes two weeks none . Depends really
Will this get better? No. It’s character traits that won’t change. Some women are so lazy and unmotivated to do much. I know what life you are living. I have been there.
Two choices. Drop your expectations, including intimacy, and live day by day. You have to process it each day. It can be painful. Or, split now, and find happiness for yourself.
Have you talked with her about this?
My husband and I have each experienced what you are. My lack of sex drive and his doing less around the house.
We communicate. I try to have sex more because he has a high sex drive, and sometimes I need to ask or give him things to do around the house. This has stemmed from many conversations (and fights) from each of us being frustrated.
But at the end of the day, it starts with communication.
I could have sworn I read this exact post before. Like word for word…
Escalate this issue. Make certain she understands how important this is, that the relationship future is on the line. Find out exactly what changes she needs in order to want a normal active sex life twice per week.
Get her to left the job/take break from her office for some months and see the difference.
Also both busy hectic schefuale with a 3 year old and a 3 month old. Decided to wake her at 2am for the deed and she was fast asleep . All I can say it was great! Give it try lol
Stop chasing her. She obviously isn’t interested. I’d suggest you go to therapy together and talk about it. Ask to see the chats between her and him. If she hesitates even a little you can almost guarantee some fuckery happened between them.
So this sounds like 2 strong possibilities. One would be an EA or PA. You really only know by digging deeper for answers here. The other sounds like sheer and massive complacency. Which is extremely common as well. Frankly, you sound like an extremely high energy and motivated person and she sounds lazy. Nothing truly wrong with either cmbut it can create a ton of issues.
My next question though is this. What have you done to make it clear her lack of motivation is making you unhappy, and what steps are you willing to take to remedy it? Oftentimes, in these situations the unhappy partner complains but sets no new boundaries and in the end just sounds like they are whining. Are you setting new boundaries, and are you willing to hold to them?
Was it ever like you envisioned?
I can say from my own experience with depression sometimes it’s so hard to muster up the energy, appeal or effort for sex, but I will say it’s so much better then u can imagine when you just make the effort even if it’s so hard. It’s like getting in the shower where you really don’t want to. And certain medications for depression can make sex drive worse. I would be honest and write a thoughtful letter. Tell her how much this relationship matters to you, but I do agree, you need to gently remind her you signed up for sex with her and no other people ever, that your willing to wait bc u love her, ur family and ur life. But for you it is a need that’s not being fulfilled and you can expect people in this day and age to stay in a relationship they are not fulfilled in. She has to make the choice to get out of her comfort zone and step up and be proactive, positive and helpful and if she cannot do that for whatever reason, then she should not be in a partnership. She is almost holding u hostage in a way, bc she knows u won’t leave and ur handling so much of the responsibility, but you can’t allow your politeness to lead her to believe you have forgotten your power. It’s your for the taking and you can take back those reigns and move forward, or she can before she loses it. And sometimes you don’t know what you had until you lost it. Sometimes it is a big reality check people need to wake up, but if she loves you she will make better strides to be a better partner. I hope you both can communicate openly and honestly and ideally get some help. Otherwise your going down this path alone my friend and building nothing but resentment along the way.
She’s on Trazadone, so does she do therapy for her depression? Laying around and not wanting to do anything, no sex drive, is definitely depression, as I live it. Wouldn’t have anything to do with her not desiring you. There just wouldn’t be any mental care to follow through on that desire.
If you are able, hire a PI to search records and figure out what is happening. It will not take long. Then you deal with fact based reality to handle what you learn. Is it an extremely low libido with laziness sprinkled in? Is it an emotional affair? Is it a physical affair?
The unknown will kill you. The cost is worth it. If news is not good, you may end the relationshipnship or risk the marriage in order to save it. No “pick me” dances at this point. Have her served, to awaken her from affair fog. If she readily accepts it, she was already lost to you. If she fights for the marriage, you are in control and can levy specific demands as consequences for her actions.
I say this and not accuse her of an affair. Just provide thoughts based upon what you learn. But, I will say that you need to be more of an “alpha” here and take some control. Many women lose respect for a man they may perceive as weak and look for affirmation from others. In her position, she is surrounded by alphas.
Truth is: You are not supposed to do the kitchen work, it’s your wife’s role in the relationship. + if you really want your wife to desire you then you better hit the Gym and build muscles.
My husband and I struggle with intimacy, but it’s due to hormonal issues, back to back illnesses, parenting a special needs toddler, and communication issues. We’re in counseling after hitting a breaking point, and it’s made a huge difference. I’m also seeking medical help from my OBGYN and psychiatrist.
I have had work friends, but never anyone I would message or talk to outside of work. If I found another person attractive, I would not engage with them outside of work related matters. I find your wife’s relationship with her coworker very concerning. I do think friends of opposite sex are okay, but not if your spouse is uncomfortable or there’s temptation to stray.
If she’s not invested emotionally and not willing to listen to concerns and go to counseling, then I think you know what’s next. I would initiate a trial separation. Maybe it’ll be a wake-up call for her, and if not, then you can move forward with a full separation.
You’re not feeling desired because she is using and disrespecting you. A marriage is a partnership and in a partnership the division of labor is important. You have been doing her part. I recommend you stop doing her part and then you will see just how deep her love runs. Don’t let her tantrums sway you if she comes unglued over having to lift a finger around the house. In my experience with this brand of entitlement the offender will simply try to bully their way out of it by out screaming you and making threats. That said not everyone has the track record for marrying psychos that I have. Stand your ground and take care of yourself.
Have you thought of speaking to a relationship coach or counselor? There may be some type of mental wellness concerns on the part of your wife and they will help you also work through your feelings as well. It is great that we have social media to turn to but sometimes when it is something as important as a marriage advise from people that are only getting a snapshot of your marriage isn’t the best way to resolve your issues. I wish you the best and hope you find the answers you are seeking.
If you are working on a Friday, take the day off without telling her and come home to see what’s what. I am a bad person to give advice, as I am pretty paranoid, but I would hire a private investigator. That is just what I would do. The Snapchat thing is really hinky, sounds like she’s trying to hide something. Keep us posted…go with your gut feeling.
Get a side chick man, saves everyone of the headache 🤕…. Just kidding, how come you do a lot and she seems to have all the free time ?
Well, um… why is she taking trazodone? You definitely sound like there is a serious issue but considering she’s on trazodone it’s safe to assume she’s struggling with some serious shiggity herself. Doesn’t sound like an easy fix to a normal issue.
My partner is taking trazodone as well and when dealing with someone who struggles with mental health there are a lot more factors to these issues. More than the average relationship.
I don’t understand why you aren’t giving her chores to do especially when she is off…sounds like you need some marriage counseling so she understands this isn’t how life is supposed to be…