I (26f) am in a dilemma with this guy (36m) I have been seeing for just over a month now.
We matched on a dating app and when we met we clicked really well. No issues when hanging out and really just enjoying each others company.
I am aware there is a bit of an age gap so I assumed he must have been In long term relationships before or even divorced or has a kid but it was something we never talked about. We never got into deep conversations during our time together, which I’m aware also is a red flag but I was sort of okay with it being more casual and just enjoying being together.
I started to notice some things that threw me off and this whole story has taken such a turn. I’ll start by mentioning that there was women’s face cleansers and olaplex shampoo in his bathroom which I’m almost positive he wouldn’t use. He did say he gets his skin care stuff from Sephora but I just can’t get myself to believe that it was his. I thought “ok so he’s either seeing another girl or just got out of a relationship” I was fine with that because we never established we were exclusive so I just didn’t think any more of it.
During one of our hangouts he left for work in the morning and let me sleep in at his place. When he left I got this urge to do some snooping. I started to get a weird gut feeling so I just started walking around his place to see if I could find any other indicators of him being in a relationship. Well I find a bottle of pills in his kitchen and the label has a woman’s name on it.. so I search her name In social media and find out that they are either engaged or were engaged AND he has a young kid. Like probably only 2 years old.
It’s important to mention that he is working in the province we are in for work (Canada) and he actually lives in another province where this woman and his child are living.
The bottle of pills was labelled for a couple months ago so I concluded that they must be together I guess? Or are they co parenting and trying to be friends? I don’t know. Well more red flags have come up and now I’m at the breaking point.
He told me one week that he was going back to original province that he lived in for an “appointment” so I just figured hes definitely going to see his kid and probably this woman too. We texted the whole time he was there so part of me is also like “wouldn’t she wonder who he is texting and why he’s on his phone so much?”.
It ends up getting more suspicious. Just recently he texted me from a new number stating that his current phone “stopped sending messages” I was like okay.. but in my gut I just felt this was so weird. He states that he just bought a cheap phone while he waits to get his current one fixed (which btw is a pretty new iPhone so I don’t know why it would just stop sending messages suddenly). So my initial thought is he’s trying to hide me and text me from a different phone, but again.. wouldn’t that be more suspicious for him to have two phones in front of this woman instead of just put our conversation on do not disturb so there’s no notification ?
ANYWAY. We kept texting on this new number that he has (also important to note the area code of the number is from the province he is originally from, where the alleged fiancé and child live too). How could he buy a phone here with an area code for a different province?
The last straw is when he texted me two days ago saying that his mother fell and is flying back east to help her and is going for 5 days. His parents live on the east coast, like the complete opposite side of where we are now. I thought it was weird because he told me he can never get time off work (he works 6 days a week) and he said she is going to be okay so I’m not sure why he is going for so long, no offence.
We have texted every single day since the day we met and ever since he told me he’s last minute flying across the country he hasn’t messaged me. Now.. I just have a feeling this is some sick lie and that he is actually going back to his home where child and fiancé are. I mean.. it’s the long weekend here in Canada.
I have found the fiancé (or ex fiancé) social media and am so tempted to message her and see what’s going on. Is he really in a relationship still with her and has he been lying to me and using another phone to get around the fiancé finding out? Or are they actually really not together? He is here for work for up to 4 years so I just don’t understand how they could manage to stay together. I’m also concerned why he isn’t in the kids life?
I want to figure this out and let her know if he is cheating. I also want to call him out for this terrible behaviour if this is all in fact true. PLEASE ANY ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED. I am so lost and upset and just want to figure this out. I have no idea what to do.
TL;DR
guy I’ve been seeing has been hiding the fact he has a kid. Found a woman’s pill bottle at his house and also found out he is engaged or was engaged. He is living apart from them in a different province and will be for almost 4 years. Bought a different phone and has been lying about where he’s going. Want to reach out to the potential fiancé and see what’s going on
SMALL UPDATE:
sent him a text message earlier to ask if everything is okay with his mom. No reply yet.
40 comments
Or you could just cut him off and take the lesson that someone who is so emotionally immature that he has to date a woman ten years younger than him isn’t worth one more thought.
Send her an ANONYMOUS message and then dump this guy.
What’s the point of playing private detective? You know he’s a liar, move on.
Good god, how many red flags do you actually need before you end it already? He’s a decade older, you’re not exclusive, he’s a liar, a father, and likely a cheater. Just block and move on.
>I assumed he must have been In long term relationships
So going forward, it’s OK to ask “have you ever been married before?” “Do you have any children?” Even if you’re just “hanging out” it’s not a crime to ask questions.
Once you started finding pill bottles in the house, it’s direct question time “who does this medication belong to? Why is it here?”
Once you found out he was hiding another life, it’s goodbye.
Don’t waste your energy calling him out. He won’t care. He’ll just move on to the next woman.
Sure, you could tell the other woman, but she won’t believe you. And then you get pulled into drama. Tell the guy you are no longer interested.
Honey, you’re the side chick. Walk away.
Do you need him to spell it out for you or what?
What are you doing???
I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. When I found out about his girlfriend (to whom he was engaged) I told her. Actually I gave him the option to tell her first, but he wouldn’t. She was very chill and kind about it, thanked me, then broke up with him. Then he begged me to take him back and promised he would change. I hope he did change, but I’ll never know. Anyway, I think she deserves to know (she might already, but probably not). I have no regrets with my decision. If I hadn’t told her, it would have haunted me. But it’s up to you. If you do it, be kind, but offer the proof. She may want to know details in a kind of morbid (but totally understandable) way. Seeing some of his texts could help her move on and get over him. Good luck.
It’s okay to ask current non-exclusive dating partner things like, are you seeing other people? Do you have a partner already? Have you been married before? Do you have children?
The likelihood is he’s not planning on keeping you around for long (so just a type of fwb situation), but yeah, it’s not cool if he’s cheating on another person.
TBH, I doubt that he’ll tell you the truth if you press him about it, I think he’ll just move on to another woman on the dating app.
If you’re that concerned about the fiancé, then let her know. Stop seeing this guy.
“what is going on” is he is not worth trusting. Forward his other partner texts from you, say you’re sorry, you just found out.
Stay away from him afterwards.
Also, about the phone. I have read quite a few stories on here where someone’s partner finds their cheating partner’s secret second phone.
Popular scenarios include
1) “work” phone that’s kept in the house
2) phone hidden in gym bag or whatever, charged somewhere else
3) secret phone kept in office
I don’t know if cellphone markets are different in Canada. In the states, it is incredibly easy to buy a cell phone and get a plan with the number in the area code where you bought it.
I could go to a store tomorrow, buy one, get a SIM card, and activate it. I could even pay for minutes or a plan with prepaid gift cards so the transaction doesn’t show up directly on a credit or debit card statement. This type of thing is usually called a burner phone, meaning, you can use it and ditch the phone anytime you want.
Man I was gonna tell you to just ask him “hey I know we’re not exclusive but do you have kids, are you seeing someone else as well?” But it just got worse and worse as I read. Snooping around, playing a private investigator is not going to solve anything except stress you out and waste your time. If you have questions, ask. If he avoids these questions, gets mad, or brushes them off then there you have your answer too.
If you want to tell her, do it anonymously.
Ummm. I don’t know if any of what you are saying is really proving that he’s done anything wrong. The skin care products raise a question to you but o wouldn’t think anything of them. My boyfriend had some shampoo that his sister gave him. I asked him “where did you get this shampoo and conditioner?” While I was showering at his place, and he told me. I latter asked his sister where she got them because I liked them, and she told me. Also the phone really could be not working. Who knows, just isn’t that suspicious to me. And the pills could be that she gave them to him? Some people stay friends but I would assume if they were still together while having a kid, they would probably still live together? And I’ve worked a job where you can’t just take off for regular things, but definitely can when your mom is in an emergency. But the real point is you don’t trust him. So either you are right not to, or you have trust issues. Either way is a reason to break up.
You’re the other woman.
You’re also a red flag my friend
You have no proof, just suspicions.
If you end it on suspicions, you will always wonder. For that reason I would keep it light until you see if he is lying or not. He just might be telling you the truth this whole time.
>was something we never talked about.
Why? Thats one of the first things I want to know.
>We never got into deep conversations during our time together,
Why? I push for this.
>women’s face cleansers and olaplex shampoo
This reminds me of a post made by a woman where the guy freaked bc she had a mans razor, which she preferred to use & another toothbruth, which was her sisters that was staying there.
>I don’t know.
So message her & ask.
>don’t know why it would just stop sending messages suddenly)
I just did a search, many possible reasons.
>How could he buy a phone here with an area code for a different province?
In the US u can get any area code u want.
> me he can never get time off work
He doesnt get vacation/PTO?
>I’m also concerned why he isn’t in the kids life?
How do u know he isnt?
… and another 20 something who does realize why her 30 something boyfriend is not dating people his age. He is a running red flag, kiddo
Are you a llama with a love for drama? If so proceed and “keep it light” (horrible advice). Or drag his fiancée into this (never ends well).
If you’d like to stop distracting yourself by chasing nonsense, and actually open yourself up to meeting not a total loser consider blocking, moisturizing, and moving on with your life.
Maybe they’re not together anymore, maybe they’re in an open relationship. Best thing to do would be TALK instead of assume
It can’t be just me—am I the only one who thinks that he didn’t actually do anything to actively hide this other life. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but unless you didn’t mention something specific in his dating app profile, there simply wasn’t an in depth discussion about his relationship status? He brought you to his place with her products and prescriptions in typical (admittedly ‘snoopy’ places maybe) places, finding information on her was easy, and there was never a talk about exclusivity.
A case can be made for lies of omission and if he said he was single on the app, but even then there are safety reasons why various lifestyles are not discussed openly. Is it at all possible he thought you knew and as long as he didn’t say anything embarrassing/humiliating by mentioning the other family to you? Or, a million things could have happened that mean he is legitimately not in a relationship with her, but will not be introducing you to his son until you become serious? Many people simply do not have conversations that are uncomfortable until absolutely necessary and he wasn’t there yet.
All to say, if being lied to is an issue (definitely one of mine), unless this somehow comes out ok then that’s enough. None of the rest matters. Which brings me to, telling the wife may be cathartic for you, but I’d at least wait. Her response could very well be nothing like you expect and that will only frustrate you more. If it turns out nothing is as it seems and you want to be with him, you will have burned that bridge by contacting her. So, if you are absolutely sure and can handle her response for the chance to make a point with him, go for it. But if you hear him out and he is a lying SoB, you can revel in his discomfort and decide then if and how you want to tell her.
I’m sorry this is horrible but thank god you only wasted a month on this cheater, I personally would contact the woman just to let her know too, sounds like he is married, block him completely and move on. Dating apps in my experience are rife with these types of people and the good guys are rarely on them.
He is cheating. ON HER. WITH YOU.
Damn girl have some self pride and walk away from this shit.
Just post his face on TikTok and you will have the answer in less than a day.
Tell her and block the guy.
>How could he buy a phone here with an area code for a different province?
I don’t know about Canada or even other carriers, but my husband was several states away and lost his phone and got a prepaid. Called me, I asked how he got a phone with our area code. He said they asked for his zip code and asked if that was the area code he wanted.
Other than that, this whole thing is a shit show. If you want FWB and don’t care about anything that’s fine. But it doesn’t sound like the case because you’re posting here. You’re only a month in and it’s already such a mess? Why bother.
Dude is flat-out lying to you about having another girlfriend/fiance/wife, etc.
You’ve only been dating this guy for a month – the questions you ask ON THE FIRST DATE are “Have you ever been married before? Do you have any kids”. You said you were thinking casual from the start, but FFS this is groundwork you don’t skip.
Only been a month. Cut this guy loose, enough red flags you could cover a football field with them.
Screenshot this whole post and SEND IT.
They are going to be married soon. You could save her from all the crap you’re putting yourself through
Honestly this might not be sketchy, you’re just running wild with it rather than having a simple convo, learn some communication skills. If he was recently separated this would make a lot of sense
As someone that’s been cheated on, please just message her and let her know, and cut your losses. You’re both wasting your time on someone that only cares about himself, totally disregarding how this might affect both of you and his son!!!
Girl you’re the side chick, just leave, no closure is the best revenge
Why are you even questioning this? Not committed, just leave.
Why don’t you just ask him? Communication is key without that just stay single
Well you’re doing sneaky stuff he’s doing sneaky stuff you might as well tell him what you know so that he can gaslight you. I’m actually curious what type of story he’ll come up with…
I don’t really understand why you continued the relationship after you found out he was engaged and that they had a child. I’m super confused.
Dump him and move on. It’s only been a month and there’s all this? No thank you
Just how much drama do you want in your life? You can confront him about your concerns and pray he doesn’t lie to you and while your at it buy a lottery ticket also, cause you have got as much chances of winning the Lottery as getting any honesty out of this guy. You pretty much set yourself up for this kind of drama because you didn’t ask some basic questions to begin with. You never know who your dealing with on a lot of the dating apps, a nice regular guy or anything from a serial cheater to a serial killer.
Of course it’s up to you. You can contact the pill bottle girl and see what’s up with her, if there are still together your in the middle of a bunch of drama. If there no longer together because they recently broke up then she tells him your checking up on him. A third option is to confront him with the pill bottle and ask him what’s up with that and see how much information he will give up that matches your own investigation findings.
I’m guessing that he is purposely keeping you in the dark, apparently your his sweet little boodie call on the side when he is away from home.
Life is to short to allow yourself to be cast into the roll of the other woman in someone else’s sad drama as it is playing out across two different provinces. Unless you really enjoy this kind of crap, I suggest you drop this guy and never look back.
Best of luck ….
He needs to tell you the truth about a lot of things, especially if you want to maintain a relationship. There can’t be this many secrets and (possibly) lies if you’re going to have a future together.