23F. I’m never turned on enough with a partner or fwb. It takes me forever to orgasm. I just can’t feel as aroused. It doesn’t matter how attractive he is or how much I like him it just doesn’t do it for me. I don’t know what I need. Maybe it’s performance anxiety? With partners I’m just dry unless theres a lot of foreplay. And honestly, sometimes I’m even just completely bored. By myself I’d be so turned on that sometimes my clit even hurts. I can cum in seconds when I’m alone, and multiple times. I get extremely wet, squirt, etc. I learned all the right spots by now and I have to admit the best times for myself were with me?
In the last relationship I was really dry and he was experiencing too much friction. I honestly hadn’t had sex with anyone in months before him, I never needed lube and thought I was getting to the age of vaginal dryness or my birth control (which I’m taking for other reasons.) then I realized I just wasn’t that excited. When I got home I did my thing and I was actually my usual self. Even if I masturbate in front of a partner theres just not much sensation at all. I tried phone sex before in another relationship and I still took too long/was too dry.
There was one boyfriend who we split for other reasons, but the sex was amazing. We had all day sessions and I even came multiple times, lots of foreplay, different positions, etc. but it still took a while for me to orgasm. Yet nothing could compare to how amazing it feels when I’m alone. I never need any extra pressure/stimulation, I don’t need the perfect position or extra work to find the right spot. I can think and act out my own fantasies and have all the fun by myself
I really love sex and wish I could enjoy it as much with a partner. There are other reasons that I’m afraid of for relationships, but especially being in a longterm relationship or dating in general and having disappointing sex. It actually and seriously leads me into a depressive state. Something about doing it with anyone else leaves me unfulfilled.
Has anyone experienced this? I don’t know what to do.
2 comments
This is pretty common of a lot of people. Especially those socialized as women. And you’re right in that a kind of performance anxiety is often at the root of it.
When you’re alone you’re fully able to concern yourself with your own pleasure. When you’re with some one else suddenly a lot of factors are there interrupting that intimacy. No “masking,” if that term makes sense to you.
Being aware that you’re being watched, heard, felt, tasted, smelled, by another person can be daunting. It leaves you constantly self-checking to ensure your body is behaving in attractive aways. Navigating that external perspective is like your brain doing all these extra background tasks instead of just enjoying things.
You’re also probably thinking about balancing giving and receiving— moment by moment. Am I doing enough for them? Are they getting what they want from me? It’s a lot of mental math that can take away from just getting lost in your fantasies and staying present with the sensations that get you where you wanna go.
Ngl it’s not easy for a lot of ppl to achieve this with a partner because it takes a someone who is on the exact same page as you to let you be unguarded and present enough to recreate the freedom you have when it’s just you. I will say though, just knowing this about yourself, knowing what you like and what you want is half the battle. The rest is just weeding out partners that don’t want to have the kind of sex you do.
Mental blocks are the #1 root of sexual performance issues. And the #1 mental block is insecurity. So if you aren’t comfortable with your body and being naked and “seen”, then I would recommend working on that.
If you want a quick test….spend a whole weekend naked with your partner. If that seems like an uncomfortable prospect, then that’s probably more reason to do it, and get super comfortable in your own skin.