I’m a 29 year old female and I’ve had such a hard frustrating time when it comes to dating. Men don’t give me the time of day. I go on a lot of first dates but not a lot of second dates. I don’t sleep with them right away, I engage in conversation, I’m nothing but myself, people say I can be funny and that I can be easy to talk to (I’m not on my phone the whole time either like I’ve seen other men complain about, I get that it’s probably annoying but I’m very polite), I’m kind, sweet, and have a great sense of humor. I don’t sleep around. I’ve been abstaining for over a year now since my previous relationship. I unfortunately don’t meet a lot of men in person. It’s usually online. When I go out, men tend to approach my friends. They never approach me. They’re very attractive girls but I don’t think I’m bad looking either. I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world but I think I have a nice face and figure (or so I’ve been told). I’ve never had a long term relationship either. I’ve had only two relationships my whole life and they didn’t last long unfortunately. I was also single for 9 years in between those relationships. I’ve always wanted to find love and it’s never really happened for me. I’m starting to lose hope. I’m constantly putting myself out there but men seem to try and find anything wrong with me so they can reject me. I’m low key jealous of women who can just find a boyfriend in no time and here I am struggling to even get a second date… A guy I met this past St. Patrick’s Day (a guy I felt like I really connected with which doesn’t happen a lot) and I were supposed to meet up today then he rejected me instead of wanting to meet up with me when he was the one that asked me out..What am I doing wrong? Is it just bad luck?
38 comments
It’s certainly not bad luck.
What do these guys tell you the reason is for rejecting you?
Do you have a job? Hobbies? Place of your own ?
I don’t know you, just read this post and my guess is that you might be a bit too intense.
You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, how recent are the pictures you have of yourself on your dating profile, and how accurately do they represent what you look like in person?
I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I’d match up with a girl, talk for a week or so, have great texting/online talking chemistry, then we’d meet up, and I swear, they looked nothing like their pictures online. I can’t expect everyone to take a new selfie and post it on their profiles, but if you’re dating in 2023 as a 29-year-old, don’t post pictures from 2015 when you were 21. There shouldn’t be a single photo that’s older than a couple of months.
Second, how shy/introverted are you?
Another thing I used to hate when I was dating is, again, same situation, match up with a girl, talk for a week or so online or over text, great chemistry, and then we’d meet in person and then suddenly they forgot every word of the english language besides yes, no, and I don’t know.
How tall are you and how much do you weigh?
Also, what do you think that you would bring to a man’s life? (other than sense of humor, politeness, and kind)?
I get you.. same experience different genders. The thing is you have to REALLY look are yourself. Small things make a big difference. For example I’m overall a decent guy. But I lack showing people affection because I really don’t need it. Which probably turns people away. Took me time to realize it. Just an example.
Good luck.
So you are doing the hard part first. You are being yourself up front. Lots of people slowly reveal themselves. Dating for months without being real about who they are. Then the truth comes out when things are more developed and it rarely ends well. Your being upfront shortens that space of unknown.
Meeting people online does also skew your results for people more focused on hooking up. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong considering your goal is to find a lasting relationship not a fun fling for a few months. But those kinds of relationships can take years of searching.
Don’t give up. There are lots of people out there who are wonderful matches for you. Sadly you need to wade through a mountain of others to find them. Keep pushing you got this.
Dating is hard. Online dating is even harder- dudes have to put in ridiculous amounts of work, and it can just get exhausting.
The thing is, we really don’t know you. There are a multitude of reasons you might be getting rejected. Maybe it’s your looks, maybe not. Right off the bat, my guess is that you’re too available and maybe want to move too quickly. I get it, we all want to find love, but when you’re completely available and invested into someone after the first date, that can be a lot of pressure on the other person. As someone who’s been that other person, it’s not a good feeling. I dated a girl at one time who was GOREGOUS- but was ready for a relationship after the first date, and I was still learning about her. I didn’t want to lead her on, but I wasn’t at that stage, and broke things off not much later because we were in such different places.
Without links to your dating profiles it’s tough to say what is the thing that’s turning guys away. Angles and makeup can be extremely deceiving. But for all I know it could be a miscommunication in your profile and looks have nothing to do with it.
All it takes is chemistry and timing, right? Maybe the spark from texting is just a spark to be talking to anyone and that can go away fast when you meet someone and you don’t feel real chemistry.
What do your instincts tell you? Maybe the guys you meet aren’t interested because they only want something casual and that means something way different to you than it does to them. Define it in text or either of your profiles.
I may technically qualify for this subreddit as I am a 34m but I’ve never used online dating or anything like it so what do I know? Trust your instincts and be direct and believe that the one for is out there. That’s the best I got.
You’re overwhelming- even from reading this. You come off as desperate and kinda freaky. Chill out a little and it will help
It sounds like you are trying too hard. Just go out and relax with your friends. Enjoy yourself. Let those nights out be for relaxing and enjoying yourself, not to look for men. Don’t go looking for relationships, let them find you. You seem to have some good qualities, so let them shine through. If men see you as you are and see things like your sense of humour, then they might be more attracted to you. They may be put off by the way you are trying. Don’t play hard to get, but ease off a little and let them get to know you for a while and let them become interested in you. So, the best way for you to find a relationship might be to stop looking for one.
It matters where you meet these guys. Bars and clubs are definitely out. Do you have hobbies or other activities where you could meet like-minded men. I met my wife at work, and I wasn’t even looking. Sometimes, the planets align, and it just happens. One more thing, stop comparing yourself with your self friends. People put out different energies, and confidence without being cocky will result in more positive results. My twe cents, do with it as you will.
The problem with questions like these is that there’s literally no way to tell what you’re doing wrong because no one here knows what you’re doing. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.
And even knowing what you’re doing wrong doesn’t tell you what to do right. The only decent dating book I know is Models by Mark Manson, but it’s for men.
Firstly, I would recommend getting some info from women that attract men more easily. You don’t ask a fish how to catch fish and all that…
Failing that, you are likely approaching this from the wrong angle. From my experience, physical attraction normally leads into the rest of the dance, especially if you eschew approaching yourself. That said, you want to focus on being inviting and setting the table, so to speak. I’m not saying to throw yourself at a man’s feet, though. He still needs to feel lucky that you’re into him, especially if you are aiming for the long-term. But you need to be cognizant and aware of what type of mood you are making and remain purposeful.
Building on that, negativity is going to hamstring you, so it has no real place in a play like this. Your job is to build yourself up because you want him to believe you are a catch, but you also want him to know you dig him. As an aside, if this sounds manipulative, it’s because it certainly is. By not approaching people you find appealing, you are opting to manipulate them into doing what you want without direct input to save yourself from projection. So, use this if you wish, but understand the quandary.
Finally, you need to play it cool and pump your brakes a bit. You don’t want to invest emotionally until you find your footing. You don’t want to get destroyed because ol’ boy isn’t feeling it. You want to be able to disengage from a bad/sub-optimal situation. Keep in mind, you do need to balance this with a proper level of nurture to keep everything from flagging, just avoid giving more than you get.
Finally, please get some dimension on this from other straight women, if only to cover blind-spots that won’t be covered by people that haven’t put any work into attracting straight men.
Good luck!
Without watching you interact with a man there’s really no way for us to help you. If you get plenty of first dates you’re probably attractive. So it’s something about how you interact in the first date.
It’s pretty obvious why no one wants anything to do with you. Every single comment that suggests something you could be doing wrong and how to change you shoot it down and cry for your mommy asking people to be nice.
You are dating out of your league which is a common issue women have when online dating. If all these men are blowing you off after 1 date it means they have a lot of options. I assure you If you matched up with a more average guy who maybe gets 5 dates a year then he likely would stay with you.
As a fellow woman who has been told on many an occasion — by people who love and care about me, and by people who left — I’d be almost certain it’s the intensity. And it’s not too make you feel badly at all, because I know how much it hurts to both be told it about yourself, and also to know it about yourself. From a place of love, my sister told me it’s also one of my best qualities because it comes from a good place and you’re probably a very empathetic, feeling person. And I’d be willing to guess that you’ve been through something in your life that makes it not so easy to just “relax”. But if I could give you any advice, it would be to try to understand where that intensity is coming from and why — because the anxiety that manifests is also unbearable for you*. I’ve recently been trying to take better care of myself in the sense that I’m trying to slow down and learn about my intensity, what triggers that anxiety, and how to rewire my brain, my thoughts. Because I also just want to remember what it’s like to be present and enjoy more. There’s a time and place for intensity, but maybe you’re also really hurting inside. In my experience, people can sense intensity in a person like an instinct sense, and while I also always think “they don’t even know me, and I’m actually a really good person” — and while you might also be really fun when you let your guard down — that intensity will scare a lot, if not most people away, before they really ever have a chance to get to know you. But to be honest, my bigger concern for you is to take care of yourself for yourself first, because I always think it’s much harder to be in my head than it is for the people who leave our don’t give me a chance first. And it’s not easy to carry around this heaviness. But when you start to release it, because you are probably a really wonderful person, I’d imagine the responses you get will begin to change dramatically, too. So take care of yourself first, and I really wish you the best Xx
Not knowing you I can’t say, but I would recommend not going out with significantly more attractive friends if you want to get approached by men.
You might have to start approaching men.
No relevent info here to make a solid judgment why ur being rejected. Simply put you have no clue why ur being rejected and the information ur providing does not help us identify why.
All that typing and no picture.
29 and had two long term relationships with 9 years between.
Long term? 9 years between?
So 18-19, then nothing for 9 years, then 28-29?
Men are visual creatures. Post a pic of yourself to get the most genuine answer.
My advice is to give not just the best looking men in the place a chance but also the average guys. Looks aren’t everything. I have a feeling you’re dating men (looks wise) out of your league. Give the other guys a chance and you may be surprised.
It could be a lot of things.
It could be a certain type of guy that you typically goes for and they’re not into someone like you. Also where are you finding these guys that you’re going on dates with? Maybe try to go on a date with someone that you wouldn’t normally do so and see if the same problem persists.
“men try to find anything wrong with me so they can reject me” sounds like 1. You might not take criticism well. 2. maybe their problems they tell you are significant to a lot of men, but you are trivializing it.
At least with me, I feel like I am rarely confident that a date went well. And I’m reluctant to ask a girl out for a 2nd date because all I can think of is how poorly I did on the date. Maybe acts reassuring the guy that you’re still interested would help. Just general complements help too. Guys rarely get complements. Complementing your date should make you stand out in a good way.
>Men constantly reject me when it comes to dating.
‘Reject’ how?
>Is there something I’m doing wrong?
Probably. Most people, even the successful ones, are doing *something* wrong.
>When I go out, men tend to approach my friends. They never approach me.
First of all I’m not sure that just going out and meeting random people is the best way to find a long-term relationship. I gather that solid relationships more often come from connections through friends, family, coworkers, etc.
Putting that aside, if this is your strategy and what you’re comfortable with, the next step is probably to be more proactive. Go for the guy you want and grab his attention by offering your attention.
>I’m constantly putting myself out there but men seem to try and find anything wrong with me so they can reject me.
Is that what they tell you? You haven’t really gone into much detail on what these ‘rejections’ actually look like. That was my first thought up above when I read the post title: In what form and for what (stated) reasons are you getting turned down?
>I’m low key jealous of women who can just find a boyfriend in no time
Men totally feel that way too about other men who seem to get girlfriends really easily. It seems unfair, like we were somehow dealt a bad hand and can’t make up for it. I don’t know what one can do about it, but what I do know is that (1) women on average are not nearly proactive enough about pursuing the people they like and (2) good relationships always come about by being authentically yourself and finding someone who likes that, rather than by pretending to be someone else.
Welcome to the numbers game. Be a go getter. Try out your pick up game on guys in public every day. Have something interesting to invite them too.
You sound passive and not very exciting. I’ve been on dates like this and it was easier just to say no thanks and move on
Looking at your replies as well as rereading your post they feel very defensive whenever faced with criticism, rather than take the parts of what people say that are useful it feels very much like you take them overly personally. You’ve called several people mean when what they’ve said isn’t meant to offend or attack you and seem to be seeking validation/have only wholly positive responses to replies that boil down to “don’t give up, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, you’ll find someone”
That kind of defensiveness may be coming across in your actions in dates that make them feel as though they have either done something wrong and need to apologize or that if they do something wrong that minor issues will become bigger ones.
And if you’re asking what you’re doing wrong it might help people give advice to know a little about you and what you’ve been doing on dates. (like what kind of conversations happen, how much energy do they have in conversations, what do like to discuss, what are some trends you notice on dates where the energy shifts, what kinds of things do you do for a living and what kind of guys are you attracted to)
You say guys never approach in person you but you’ve gone on a lot of first dates, if that is the case there is something that you’re doing in person that isn’t vibing with them and I don’t think it has anything to do with your looks. The energy you are putting out and defensiveness may be something they pick up on as “she doesn’t want to be approached”.
I could be off the mark so take it with a grain of salt, it’s difficult to get a grasp on what to change without knowing specifics.
I don’t know you, but I see people commenting on intensity as a factor. I did not immediately think you might be too intense or anything from your post. I just want to comment on my experience with intensity.
I dated a woman who was probably one of the hottest humans I ever met. I saw her at a bar and it was the first time I just wouldn’t let myself leave without asking for her number. She gave it to me, and we dated. She was looking for something long term, and was moving REALLY fast. I thought she was awesome. Smart. Funny. Like I said extremely attractive. Some of the best sex I ever had etc.
But that intensity really did chase me away. I broke up with her pretty quickly, not because I didn’t like her, but just because I couldn’t deal. She wanted (insisted really) to be too familiar too quick and it put me off. I still sometimes wistfully imagine I hadnt broken it off, but it wasn’t a rational decision really. I was just.. chased away.
Are you fat?
Red flags, check all that apply:
Resting bitch face, social anxiety that makes you seem disinterested or boring OR being disinterested or boring, not asking questions or trying to get to know the other person, not elaborating on questions asked, having an intimidating job, intimidating personality, talking about astrology signs (i.e. lolol you’re such a scorpio etc etc.), your parents have a bad relationship, you talk bad about people in your circle to your date or gossip a lot, you’re more negative than positive, you’re voice is monotone and/or quiet, you don’t make any eye contact (can tell you from experience blossoming relationships LOVE eye contact), you talk about exes, you don’t carry on the conversation, you don’t act easy in a way that shows you like the guy but doesn’t come off slutty, you act shallow or easy, you dress weird, you smell bad, your teeth are yellow, you have no interests or hobbies, you’re tall or overweight, you smoke A LOT. The worst I’ve had so far is a girl who is on her phone the entire time and only ever talks about herself and never asks a single thing the whole time.
I’m going to assume something just out on a limb as well, your personality might just be not that exciting. I would talk to a shrink, or someone that you know hates you enough to be brutally blunt and honest.
Are you a tank in an mmo?
Because it seems like you’re in defensive spec.
I read through all of the replies and your previous post/comment history and I think it’s very likely you have an anxious attachment style.
– You mention you have anxiety
– All of the effort you spent towards a previous boyfriend with your thoughtful gift-giving and him not reciprocating your energy
– You’re sensitive to perceived criticism
– What the other men call intense or desperate I think is better described as clingy/needy, which is a big tell of having that attachment style
– Anxious types are often attracted to avoidant types. People “easily scared away” or perpetually “never looking for something serious”
I plug this guy’s channel a lot because I think he has a ton of great content on the subject. I would suggest taking a look and consider his boot camp course and maybe even join his online community:
https://youtu.be/ChKOHMi0tpk
If you do have an attachment issue, you will never be able to form a healthy and fulfilling relationship until that’s addressed.
My specific advice:
– Stop focusing on dating until you’re in a better place.
– Ditch astrology. Look into Myers-Briggs and Enneagram. Don’t take either too literally but they can be helpful in understanding yourself better. Certainly better than astrology.
– I suspect you’re too reserved on dates because you fear rejection and not letting your authentic self shine through. Be yourself to attract the people who will be attracted to who you are. A man will want a woman who brings some light into his life, but you come across as a bit “heavy”
– Cats are cooler than dogs
Sounds like you’re trapped in the vicious cycle of neediness. You want a relationship but for whatever reason it hasn’t happened, so you start to press just a little too hard when the prospect for one comes along, but in doing so you come on too strong and end up pushing away the thing you really want.
My advice would be to try and enjoy dating for what it is and not what it may lead to. Live in the moment and let things develop organically. The fact is that you’re not going to really vibe with a majority of the people you meet, and that’s perfectly ok. You can still have a good time while you’re waiting to meet someone that does work for you.
If I told you that I was a psychic and that I could assure you beyond any doubt that you would meet someone amazing and start a lifelong relationship with them, but you wouldn’t meet for another 2 years, what would you do in the meantime? Whatever it is, do that now.
Height and weight? Probably the only thing not posted in the top comments
Do you ever meet a man on a first date and think that YOU don’t want to pursue HIM? It feels like you just want to be with someone indiscriminately and men sense that immediately